Amazing Childhood

New Blog

2010-10-26T21:25:00.001-07:00

I decided to make this project official and moved over to www.givingkidsourbest.com/
Hope to see you there!

My 10 Goals for a Happy Family and my New Blog

2010-10-24T13:50:00.000-07:00

"Managing a home and family is no less demanding or time consuming than running a large corporation... the development of lovely, joyful, responsible children doesn't just happen accidentally, any more than a successful corporation just happens. A unified, organized, progressing family requires a unified, organized, progressive plan! Setting goals and producing a plan are just as essential to a mother and father as to a good company." Linda Eyre A Joyful Mother of Children

Since the summer I've read (or skimmed ;)) 30+ amazing parenting books and counting. The overlap in the experts' ideas has lead me to 10 areas of awareness or goals I've started working on to strengthen my family and home:

Build Routines- Routines don't just happen (at least in my family) but are an amazingly powerful tool to help everyone's day go smoothly, eliminate contention, meet everyone's needs, create a feeling of order and calm and... keep cavities at bay. Also a tool to teach kids the power of work.
Practice Calm and Connected Discipline- A number of my readings prove the most long-term effective way to teach kids is by remaining calm and focused with prepared tools on hand when disciplining instead of giving in to yelling, anger, frustration, and "losing it".
Support Good Choices- Often the parenting paradigm is backwards- kids get more payoff and attention from parents when they make choices that have a negative impact than when they are making good choices. By noticing, verbalizing, rewarding, and stickerizing good choices I hope to help build and reinforce them.
Enjoy One Another Consistently having fun as a family through building family traditions, strengthening relationships and skills, laughing together, connecting and building memories.
Speak Love I speak love to my children as I pay the price to really know them individually- spending one on one time together, making eye contact, giving gifts, giving affection, noticing things that make them unique and listening to them. Also may prevent a host of discipline and esteem problems.
Record and Remember- Capturing happy moments in photos, journals and videos, organizing and taking time to remember them builds family joy in the present and motivates us all in many different ways to be better for each other.
Explore-Discover-Learn- Kids are wired for creative exploration, discovery and play and are happiest when they do this. Providing time, opportunities and tools to keep this enthusiasm alive strengthens my connection to my kids when we do it together and leads to the development of talents and a love of learning that may build a foundation for a productive and happy career.
Strengthen our Community and Build Friendships- Getting to know our neighbors, building our schools and community, connecting with families who have kids my kids' age and providing my kids the time and availability to build and prioritize friendships teaches them to be a good friend and build good friendships. It gives us opportunities to lend a hand and find a hand when needed.
Give and Be Thankful- The development of gratitude and awareness of blessings ever-present in our lives came up in almost every book I read as a tool for strengthening family connections and increased well-being. Part of that awareness for thanks is giving back and finding opportunities to serve our community, country and world.
Nurture Faith and Spirituality- A relationship with God helps bring out my best and builds joy and happiness in my life. Many experts recognize it as an important foundation for wholistic childhood development.

These goals are all great and many connect with each other but they're also intimidating and overwhelming, so the glue that actually makes them happen is Plan and Be Prepared. For the past month, each Sunday I go through them in my binder, break them into little action items, and plug them into my monthly calendar and daily schedule. By consistently doing a little bit I'm amazed at how much I'm able to accomplish.
Which brings me to my little announcement- with the help of my amazing friend and PR talent Lyndsey I've decided to move my parenting project to a new blog www.givingkidsourbest.com Each week I'll post a few times about one of these 10 areas and try to get your feedback and advice. You've already all helped me so much as I struggle to reach my goal of making my 2x2 home a peaceful and happy place that nurtures and grows my kids into their best, so I hope you'll keep sharing your insights. Churchill said "We shape our homes and then our homes shape us" - hopefully this will lead my 2x2 situation to a good place ;)

Charla's Poster Idea

2010-10-20T21:54:00.000-07:00

"Once you have a solid plan-a list of what needs to be done-you must work that plan. In other words, just do it-and don't second guess yourself... If I stick to the plan I usually accomplish my goal" Debbie Lillard Absolutely Organized: A Mom's Guide to a No-Stress Schedule and Clutter-free Home

Over the past couple weeks in response to a binder-post comment I've been creating a poster to match my daily schedule page so my kids could visually see what was planned for our day. I plan these pages around my 10 goals based on all my research, which I'll get to next time. Charla actually once told me that she taught two kindergarten classes- one had a schedule and routines and the other didn't. She thought the kids would love the freedom of the unscheduled class, but she was surprised to see that everyone was happier in the scheduled class. The kids liked knowing what was coming up next. Even when kids direct their playtime, I'm realizing that in today's world playtime often needs a dedicated time-slot so they can get into it, and kids sometimes need a variety of places/items to start their play.
So I made this poster. Actually the kids painted it and I very unprofessionally drew the time-circles based off my ideas page headers, then got them laminated and stuck on with velcro dots. The morning routine is a bit itemized (there's a separate sticker for bed-making, teeth-brushing, prayer-saying, dressed-getting etc.) but more on that later.

Honestly, I feel kinda dorky that I made this, it seems like I'm really trying over-extraordinarily hard here, but I thought it was a good idea and wanted to see what it would do. My kids actually really love it, and it's fun to let them pick circles (musictime or arttime after breakfast?) Mostly thought I've really noticed our days go more smoothly when we take a minute with it right after breakfast because they know what's coming up next and we can talk about it.
Does anyone have things they do with their kids to tell them about plans?

Plan and Prepare: Can it Be Really, Truly Be Done? Where do you find Mom-Motivation?

2010-10-18T13:22:00.000-07:00

"He who every morning plans the transaction of the day and follows out that plan, carries a thread that will guide him through the maze of the most busy life. But where no plan is laid, where the disposal of time is surrendered merely to the chance of incidence, chaos will soon reign." Victor Hugo (I wish it were easier)

At any given moment I've got about 100+ things I could be doing that are all good: cleaning my oven/sink/tub/dining room chairs/piano, returning phone calls and emails, making dentist visits, preparing meals, headstarting on Christmas shopping, playing/teaching/reading/singing with my kids, serving in my community, drawing with my kids, organizing photos...
How do I choose the best one?
The best way I've found is to plan. When my vision extends to a global perspective I make the best plans; I can plan my goals into practice, I can plan my errands with efficiency, I can meet my kids needs, I can prioritize and balance. In contrast, when I decide in the now I can't see too far because the moment waves at me with its demands- fix me! clean me! create me! watch me! I see the plants I haven't watered yet, that shelf that needs organizing, that scrapbook page I want to finish and the children I need to bathe so I attend to what's in front of me, rarely getting beyond my line of sight. So the good gets done, the better not so much.

Of course with chaotic, unpredictable, multiple-variables kid-life no plan at this stage will ever get followed exactly. Some people think that unpredictability is solid grounds to not bother with planning right now, others feel like it's too depressing to see everything you didn't get done. But the more I plan, the more I realize how desperately this time of my life really does need it, probably more so than any other, because there's so much more at stake.

So I make to-do lists when something pops in my head or when I review my goals and look at my continuously-updated ideas page, then I transfer those to-do list items onto the time map of daily schedule pages, all of which I keep in my handy binder which saves my life every day. I have a big meeting with Ian once a week where we go over our calendar and objectives. Each night I create the plan for the next day.
These daily-page tools inspired from Steady Days are fantastic, but Ian and I have only had two meetings, so I can't really say we're doing this. Even as I see how much smoother my days are going when I plan them with purpose, how satisfied I am that we made it to the park again and I found a spot in my schedule to pick up the Caleb Box, and take Halloween costume photos and write sympathy cards and pick up thank you gifts and do so many little wonderful things on my list, I also know it's going to be hard to keep this up. I've talked about this before, but there are a billion legitimate excuses to just slack off, to let go of Hugo's thread and surrender to the chaos of the day. Plus, nobody is watching me, nobody is giving performance reviews or salary increases, NOBODY REALLY CARES! Where do I find that strength to continue day after day to plan to give my best to my kids and my family, the most important job I'll ever have, when it's really easy to skip it?

Does anybody have any ideas for what keeps you motivated? Seriously, how do moms and anybody stay motivated? How do you get through the pulls and tugs and dead ends and frustrations and chaos to give that little bit of extra effort to make plans and goals and follow them when tons of things are working against you? Is this something that can really be done?

Explore, Discover, Learn: A Place for every Mess and Every Mess in its Place

2010-10-15T15:07:00.000-07:00

"The more you get messy and go through the routine of cleaning up together, the easier the process will be," Ginger Carlson Child of Wonder: Nurturing Creativity and Naturally Curious Children

We made another mess yesterday- a haunted gingerbread house from a kit we get each year from dear Grandma Louise. I love to let my kids really do it instead of me doing it. This, of course, meant that it's not quite like the picture on the box, which makes the Martha Stewart craft lover in me shudder, but it does mean they really participate and use those fine motor skills instead of hanging back, following my instructions the whole time, or watching me do it.

I decided to follow Melanie's idea and throw down a sheet before we got started. I've heard of this idea before, but I've never given it a try. It just seems easier to start instead of hunting around for a sheet. Now, I don't want to overstate, but at least for this project, the sheet investment made cleanup seriously take about 10 seconds. Loved it! Why don't I get my lazy butt up and take mess-prep more seriously?

Other ideas are doing it outside, scheduling mess-time around baths and making a kid "handwash basin" for outside and inside and investing in a dustbuster. As I'm taking Katie's suggestion about resigning myself to messes I'm looking at ways to prepare accordingly for pre and post cleanup instead of being freaked out by it. As I let go of my anxiety, the door is opening to lots of projects I know my kids will love but I've avoided because of the mess factor- nut doughs, mudpies, papier mache, soap doughs, cloth sculptures, collages, and more! Of course, I'm going to have to put a limit, like Kristin suggests, to just once or twice a week, but I don't want to say never anymore. If anyone else has any mess strategy ideas, please (please. seriously.) share...

I've been doing a lot of research over the past couple months about ways to bring out the best in my kids and me and from the many books I've read so far I've come up with 10 "areas" or goals/objectives if you will. One of these is the Explore, Discover, Learn area. My kids (all kids) are wired for this, and it supports their development and overall happy-level when I find ways to fan that enthusiasm while keeping my sanity. For better or worse, messes are usually part of Explore, Discover, Learn so I better learn to work with them.
Next week I'm going to hit another area. I'm having a hard time choosing which one because they're all so good and all connect to each other, but I'll tackle this one next: Plan and Prepare

Explore, Discover, Learn: messing up everything

2010-10-13T21:44:00.000-07:00

"Children need messes. Not just when they are babies and toddlers trying to make sense of their world, but well into their childhood... If a child doesn't learn to make a mess, he may not learn to use his mind in an open-ended way" Ginger Carlson Child of Wonder: Nurturing Creativity and Naturally Curious Children

Thank you so much to everyone who shared their strategies for dealing with messes. They were all so good! I think the common theme was to kind of pre-pare for the chaos, Either resign to the mess (decide beforehand I'm OK with it), or make preparations to minimize (I'm trying this sheet idea out tomorrow), or say no, this isn't something I can deal with right now, we'll plan for it another time (this is guilt-free-necessary at times).

But what about ambush- messes? Yesterday we made owl cookies, a yearly tradition that's fun because even little boys can really participate in squishing the eyes together and placing in the m&ms and cashews. And it's pretty simple, not too messy, or so I thought. Nope. Afterwards nuts were scattered ALL over the floor, m&ms were EVERYWHERE, some of the cookie dough fell on the ground and got smashed into the carpet... and since it was nearing the 5pm hour my kids were going haywire. I constantly had to stop and start as I cleaned to break up fights, working hard to stay patient. I was prepared to resign myself to the mess, I just had no idea it would be this bad!

The funny thing is that after dinner as the whole family polished off the cookies, we wound up having a really good time together. We acted silly and eventually pulled out Lobel's Owl at Home to read around the table. I completely and utterly forgot about the nuisancey mess. That mess was a price to pay for a magical moment, in this case being surrounded by smiling, laughing kid faces, hearing Jack say "ow-ah coo-kees" and just having a really great time together.

Ginger Carlson has a whole chapter dedicated to the importance of encouraging kids to get messy, even going so far as to mention sensory delays for kids that are "too clean." "Although it may be difficult at times to accept the messes our children (need to make), know that you can. But don't just accept the mess, rejoice in it, knowing that you are supporting your child's creative growth even further." I don't know if I can go that far, but I can probably appreciate it a little more.

Explore, Discover, Learn: Encouraging Passionate Creativity or Monstrous Messes?

2010-10-11T21:45:00.000-07:00

"Children love to be busy, and useful. They delight in seeing that there is a place for them in the hum of doing, making, and fixing that surrounds them... honor your child's efforts with real tools for their work." Kim John Payne, Simplicity Parenting

Please. Does anyone have any ideas about how to encourage passionate discovery without going insane?
For well over a year my little son has been torturing me with his culinary experiments. He loves to mix things, and while I want to encourage his curiosity and creativity, it's just plain hard when he dumps an entire gallon of extra-virgin olive oil on the counter (there goes $20), or blankets our dinner with powdered sugar (what do we eat now?), sprays the kitchen floor with PAM (so his brother slips so hard he almost cracks his head) and other patience-testing, madness inducing activities. Despite my best efforts I get snappy, which is slowly dampening his enthusiastic little flame.

So this week after fighting back a huge lash-out when Caleb wound up using all our eggs in one of his concoctions-which I didn't realize until I was in the middle of making dinner and my recipe CALLED for eggs- I pulled out my binder and approached the problem with purpose. I decided I could help him pursue his passion and "honor (his) efforts" while preserving my sanity if I got him his own ingredients. I went to the dollar store the very next day when my nanny was home and spent $10 stocking up on spices, a couple baking mix boxes, oil, his own jars of flour and sugar, etc.

I put them in a box which we called 'the Caleb Box,' and told him he could use these and only these ingredients in his baking. He totally LOVES it, and for the past week has pulled it out every single day. I can hear him humming as he mixes and stirs. He seems happier, content and focused. Some of his experiments are even quite tasty, at least his brothers like them.
But my problems aren't solved. This advice is easier said then done because now he's cooking more not less and it's like I'm inviting him to frustrate me. I feel sheepish that I still get frustrated because he pitches in when I ask him to help me clean up, he takes good care of his box, he's allowed one egg a day and he sticks to that which is very good. But. HE STILL MAKES MESSES! I still have to clean up after him because he can't do it all himself. Wiping counters, scrubbing baking dishes and bowls, vacuuming crumbs. I still feel frustrated even as I recognize this is so great for him, even as I'm happy he's happy. Is there something that I can do differently? Does anyone else struggle with this? I know the accessibility to creativity is very good (countless experts tell me this), I know my kids are happy when they do it (look at these photos for heaven's sake- he loves it!) but how do I keep a smile on my face when I'm slipping on the egg shells day after day after day after day....

Home for Halloween

2010-10-09T21:40:00.000-07:00

"A house is not a home unless it contains food and fire for the mind as well as the body" Benjamin Franklin

I love getting in the holiday spirit and firing up my boys' imaginations by borrowing a bunch of festive books from the library. Some of our favs for Halloween are Fright Night Flight, Scary, Scary Halloween (illustrations by Jan Brett), Ghosts in the House (please try to check out this one, my kids LOVE it), Plumply Dumply Pumpkin, Georgie's Halloween, the House that Drac Built and By the Light of the Halloween Moon. My kids love gathering for Storytime and popping questions like 'what's a manticore' and 'where do werewolves come from?'. Somehow the answers don't seem to scare them that much, probably because these books usually end with kids putting the ghosts and ghouls in their place.

Last week after reading Plumply Dumply Pumpkin they asked if we could carve the pumpkin I picked up the night before into a jack'o lantern like the one in the illustration. We had a lot of fun working on it together- they scooped out the goop and drew the face, then we put a candle inside and read more stories under a blanket fort.

I'm really grateful that I'm devoting a couple hours each week just on connecting my kids without going anywhere or trying to get anything else done. Things aren't perfect, but when I look back to the way they were before I was making an effort to connect with them, it's been a big change.

Wonder Wands

2010-10-05T19:49:00.000-07:00

"Children... bring a passion to life at which many adults marvel. If given freedom, they play, experiment, question, make enormous messes, take risks, explore freely, and then apply what they have learned to the world by...creating anew." Ginger Carlson Child of Wonder: Nurturing Creative and Naturally Curious Children

I am amazed by all the things my kids enjoy doing; the more we do, the more we seem to be discovering how much there is to do. Most of these activities center around creating things, which has been undoubtedly influenced by two books whose ideas I've been experimenting with lately- the Creative Family and Child of Wonder. It might also be because my children, maybe all children, come wired to be creative and they feel happy when they get to do that. Dieter F. Uchtdorf said "the desire to create is one of the deepest yearnings of the human soul."

I am also amazed at how exhausting it all can be. When I get in the zone it's pretty fun, but afterwards these messes can really get under my skin. Sometimes I feel like we spend almost as long cleaning up afterwards, and I have to work hard not to get grouchy. I try to stay motivated by remembering how much my kids enjoy their projects, and how it seems to lift their overall moods throughout the day. Once the cleanup is over it doesn't seem too horrible and I just remember the good stuff.
I love that my kids are starting to get invested in the projects, that they think them up and choose the items to work with. Last week Caleb asked if we could make a wand during our "Creative Play." We talked about what it might look like, and wound up cutting out a cardboard star, wrapping it in tinfoil, bending a coathanger into a stick, wrapping that with an old dress I had marked to give to the thrift store (Caleb liked the colour), before Caleb wanted to paint it (whew! just so you know, we did all that over 2 hours). Julian turned his star into a necklace which he beaded with beads I recently got from IKEA on pipe cleaners. Jack and Christian wound up painting some old jeans I have. None of it was planned, it just was all done with materials we had within arm's reach. I love Amanda Blake Soule's idea of repurposing items to use for craft projects. It works every time!

According to Carlson, it's not the end product that matters (which is funny- Caleb didn't wind up playing with that wand much) it's the process of creating that helps kids develop problem solving skills and the ingenuity they need to weather the transitions they will experience throughout life. How many times have I tried to make something with my kids but just wind up doing most of it, as my kids contribute little. In the end it looks pretty, but what's the point if I did it all?

1-2-3 Magic: I Hate to be Pushy, but Read This Book

2010-09-30T21:47:00.000-07:00

"We know you love your kids, but for many reasons it is critically important that you also like and enjoy your kids-every day" 1-2-3 Magic: Effective Discipline for Children 2-12

I don't want to give plugs for any books, but this one has sold 1.25 million copies, been translated into 20 languages over the last several years has been the #1 child discipline book on amazon. I wish I had read it a year or two ago, it's got all the best points of so many books I've read put succinctly. Dr. Phelan gives advice on what he believes are the 3 jobs of any parent 1.Control obnoxious behavior, 2. Encourage good behavior and 3.Strengthen the Relationship with your Kids.

One of the things that I've been wondering about, and really the question that started my parenting "question-journey" is how do I control my frustration? Should I be trying to parent without ever yelling? Is it possible? Can I be effective? Dr. Phelan's answer is an emphatic, no-holds-barred yes. In fact, he says the two biggest parenting mistakes are too much talk and too much emotion (like the Neutral Face advice, but simpler). His technique of counting slowly to 3 and then sending kids to timeout if they don't stop the obnoxious behavior is genius. If done right, it can't not work. I've put it at the top of my tool belt. So has Ian.

I love that he covers a whole bunch of scenarios- what if your kid pees on the floor in timeout or trashes the room? What if you're in the car or at a restaurant? What if a crowd's watching? What if your kid mocks as you count? He's got a solution for everything. It's great.

Another thing that I really appreciated was that this book isn't wordy, preachy, meandery, redundant and anecdotal like almost every other parenting book on the market. It's clear, simple and impactful (more here). I actually speed read it during naptime and started applying it that night. I have never intentionally recommended a book before, but I have to break my rule on this one: Every parent needs to read this. (I do have to say the age range of 2-12 is a bit dicey. It only half-works on my little guys. I'm sure in a few more months we'll be good.)

I believe the most important job, the one that makes the others much easier is the third one- strengthening relationships with my kids. With our preschool days open for me to shape, what's the best way to choose how to spend our time that keeps them happy, me sane, my kids learning and growing, and all of us connected?

The Oxymoron of Scheduling Time with Young Children and 10 Reasons to Still Use a Schedule

2010-09-28T15:01:00.000-07:00

"Babies (and children) are always more trouble than you thought, and more wonderful" Charles Osgood

Can I be honest about something? It sometimes feels like scheduling with kids is a bit of an oxymoron, because kids aren't mini-adults, they're kids. And sometimes they don't feel like arttime, and they are perfectly happy playing together instead of moving onto the next thing, and they nap an extra long/short time and/or need to visit the doctor.
I'm learning that what I'm creating is more of a flexi-plan, complete with alternative ideas and room for interruptions. As crazy as it sounds, just being aware of how we use our time sometimes helps us to find better ways to spend it, and despite the unpredictability I still find the schedule to be valuable because:

1. I'm more purposeful about the way we use our time, which brings satisfaction, fulfillment and a sense of accomplishment similar to when I was working full-time. I'm aware of what we are doing, instead of what we aren't doing, so I don't feel like we "did nothing" all day.
2. It creates a battery of activities as alternatives for each other to switch and swap as needed. So if bakingtime doesn't work out one day, I find if it was on the list usually a moment will be right for it at some point during the week.
3. It shows me what blocks of time are "free" for play which will be dictated, in part, by how our day is going. The research I'm doing continues to underline how crucial playtime is for my kids, and important it is to protect it.
4. The odd times when practically nothing goes wrong and we can enjoy most of the things on the schedule, I love that we were prepared to take advantage of the fine winds and turn a good day into a great day.
5. On the days when nothing goes right, I know that there are ups and downs and tomorrow will, very likely, be a better day.
6. It makes my day go smoother in general because I know roughly what it's shape will be even if it's impossible to nail down the details.
7. It helps me get out the door and anticipate how best to do my errands by grouping them together.
8. It helps me balance out our activities so we don't do the same thing all the time. I continue to be amazed by how much there is to do at home with kids this age!
9. It helps me make sure we are spending time connecting together and building our relationships because I visually see how much "fun" time we have together.
10. It seems to be helping me kids be more calm because they are understanding that we are grouping our activities into sections. If they ask to do something, I often tell them that we'll finish it after snacktime, quiettime, etc. They don't seem to argue with me much about it.

A Place for Everything- the Binder that Rocks the House

2010-09-23T13:35:00.000-07:00

"I enjoy an organized lifestyle because it helps me get what I want. Good home management skills provide a cheerful background for living. A well-managed home eliminates much tension and irritability." Denise Schofield Confessions of an Organized Homemaker

I first learned about the power of planners from Denise Schofield. She's a big believer in 1. writing down goals (run a marathon, take a cooking class, have more obedient children :)- 2. making a to-do list that includes steps to reaching those goals as well as other things that need doing 3. plugging those to-do items down on a time-map/ schedule.

Some version of that system is advised by tons of other experts. I love Jamie C. Martin's take on the mom binder in Steady Days, and recently compiled a binder for myself and my lovely feedback-ladies. I sewed the covers out of oilcloth- they're not going up for sale on etsy any time soon, but they sure stay clean and I loved the colours.

A one stop shop for blank day schedules, my ideas page, a place for goals, my to-do list, a section for each child, my church service: it's changing my life. When I have a minute at the doctor's or before bed, I will write down a quick moment/cute thing that my kids are doing. I love recording those because I know I'll forget them; I never had a place before now. I put recipes and other odds and ends that looking interesting in plastic sleeves. Each night when I do our schedule for the next day, including a grocery list if I'm going shopping, I check for ideas.

Also, can I tell you that I brought it to Caleb's physical therapy appointment yesterday? Can I tell you how impressed the therapist was when she saw me place the handouts she gave me securely inside a binder and was doubly impressed when I took notes on her suggestions in my binder. I can now quickly access everything and put it into my daily schedule. She couldn't believe it. I kid you not, when she saw how seriously and professionally I was taking her job and my job she offered an additional FREE session so we could cover things we didn't get to that day.

I'm still working on getting some monthly calendars in there and accepting the reality that there just isn't enough time to do everything I want. But seriously, it's just given me a little extra help that's gone a long way when I really needed it. Nicole and Char I will be sending them to you next week.

"When I have things running smoothly, our home is the happiest, most peaceful place I know"- Denise Schofield

More Simple Projects- a Bear Pillow

2010-09-20T22:04:00.000-07:00

"Play brings together head, heart and hand. It is fundamental to each and every one of us and although it may change as we mature, it never completely disappears from our lives... play equips children ... to reach their full potential in the world." Creative Play for your Toddler, Steiner Waldorf Expertise and Toy Projects for 2-4years
Children thrive on play, kid-driven sections of the day where they can discover and explore. This is the message that I am getting from all the parenting books that I'm reading, and nowhere is it more clear than in the books with the Waldorf slant (which are suprisingly a lot right now from a wide variety of experts) That guy really seems all about protecting childhood and letting children develop at their own pace, an idea I've been working to implement in moderation just to help my kids be more calm. After we cut back on the out-of-home activities on our slate I had to get over my initial panic of what on earth am I going to do with my kids all morning/afternoon. I continue to be surprised that there is more than enough to keep my kids playing happily.
This book has some great ideas for home activities, including helping children get deeper into their imaginative play by making, (with mom) real life items for their dolls- clothes, hats, dishes, food, houses, curtains, trucks anything (cereal boxes, toilet paper/paper towel rolls all could have been materials of choice). Per my mantra I skipped their complicated ones and created an easy project I had items for. Using leftover fabric, old quilt batting I've inexplicably had for 2 years, large yarn needles and thick thread, we made bear pillows!

My kids absolutely loved this activity! I showed them how to sew (and tried to supervise them so things didn't get ugly) and they were totally captivated while they worked on hand-eye/fine motor skills. We had to do it over 2 days and they asked about it non-stop. They had so much fun tucking their bears into bed with them and talking to them during quiet time. Now they want to make blankets and beds and a house... these projects could keep us busy for awhile.

Resourcefulness and an Endless Supply of Projects

2010-09-17T07:02:00.000-07:00

"Giving things and materials a second life as something else can be one of the most satisfying of creative expressions" Amanda Blake Soule, the Creative Family: How to Encourage Imagination and Nurture Family Connections

One of the best pieces of advice I've gleaned from my reading is the power of resourcefulness. In the Creative Family, Soule describes her maternal grandmother who raised her children alone during the Great Depression with virtually no income in rural Maine. Despite their impoverished circumstances their lives were filled with love, adventure and creativity. "Nothing was thrown away, and everything was given new life as something else once its original purpose was complete."
Being resourceful with my kids is genius: it helps me come up with projects on the spot because I don't have to do any prep time or pick up any materials. It saves us money and keeps my kids humming happily, but most importantly resourceful nurtures creativity. A box becomes a candy house or a boat, a drinking straw is a roof on a card decoration, yesterday's newspaper is a cafe menu or a crown. When my kids have to come up with the building blocks for a scarecrow or turn a cereal box into a boat they are learning lots. That motivated problem-solving rivals anything an expert could come up with to develop their minds and imaginations.

Soule encourages using leftover food (beans, grains), leaves, pinecones, bark, garbage (as in trash! think of great art pieces made out of recyclables), old clothes, rocks, etc. Over the years I've purchased scrapbooking supplies, a hobby I don't always have much time to do anymore. I've been repurposing some old items for their projects. Last week they made a "candy house" and yesterday they made thank you cards for their grandparents and great-grandparents. I was amazed- they did everything on their own- using bits of yarn, ribbon, even independently thought up the idea of using a leftover drinking straw for a roof. They're really getting it- the sky's the limit for fun projects when we think of ways to use what's on hand.

Block Party and Simple Parenting

2010-09-15T07:59:00.000-07:00

"Children's play flourishes when we let it, rather than make it happen" Simplicity Parenting: Using the Extraordinary Power of Less to Raise Calmer, Happier and More Secure Kids

Over the weekend our new neighborhood had a Block Party! It's the first one I've been to and I loved the casual easiness of it as everyone gathered on the street and just hung out. It was nearly an all day event and we were there for 4+ hours with a bounce house, slide, pinata and the teenagers on the street playing for the families. I love activities like this- easy, fun, simple, we just let our kids play and play and play and they cried when it was time to go. It was a side of Los Angeles I hadn't seen before, families and people of all ages in a community interacting and enjoying.

When I look back on the things I've read so far, across the board a common theme from the experts is that parents need to simplify life. Simplify life to connect with kids more, to not push them into too many stressful activities/events, to decipher what they really need, to keep their emotional tanks full and verbalize the positive things they are doing. Scheduling our day has been huge for me, mostly because I come ready to "be there" for them. I'm working on some big charts for my kids, a binder for me, and a checklist of all the goals I'm working on to take it one step further.
But there are still days when they resist my requests, and I want to continue to bring more peace to our home. While I realize it's not necessary, I'm curious to see what the experts say, if there are more tools I can use. I still have a lot of books to get through...

Einstein Never Used Flashcards- the Beauty of the Everyday

2010-09-14T08:11:00.000-07:00

"research overwhelmingly shows that a child’s intellectual awakening takes place during the normal adult-child interactions that occur in everyday, purposeful activities" Einstein Never Used Flashcards: How Our Children Really Learn, Kathy Hirsh-Pasek, Phd and Roberta Michnik Golinkof

I have loved reading Einstein Never Used Flashcards just to get a bit more information about how my kids learn. The basic premise of their book, like so many others I'm reading right now, is that kids need to slow it down and have more interactions with their parents or other caretakers instead of doing lots of classes, activities, etc. They de-bunk some popular myths out there, like listening to Mozart makes your kids smarter, using flashcards and memorizing things works, babies can "add and subtract", and providing an "enriched" environment makes kids more brainy. That last myth came from a study about rats- rats who lived in cages with lots of toys and slides had bigger brains than those who didn't, but what the media didn't publicize is that the rats with the best brains of all were the ones who lived in their natural environment.
Their premise is that kids who are involved in everyday activities with their parents and caretakers have the environment most conducive to how they will learn and develop best.
The other day when we did bakingtime, I was very aware of providing my kids with stimulation and interaction in everyday activities. The problem is that I decided we needed to involve everyone and put in tons of things- pureed carrots, pureed peaches, Craisins, flax etc.- and we all lost it. I was so frustrated by the end I knew that wasn't good either.
So next time I'm going to keep it simple- no point getting too ambitious with any of the activities we are doing.

Charla and Nicole, thanks for leaving a comment! I'm going to send both of you a starter Steady Days binder ;)

Ideas for Planning a Steady Day With Young Children

2010-09-09T11:42:00.000-07:00

"All of us know that our children quickly pick up on our stress and attitude, even when it is unspoken... How perceptive my children are; nothing slips by them. This is my motivation to stay organized. It's hard to be cheerful when you're running late... If I'm feeling pressured, I am less gentle, less attentive, and less pleasant to be around. Organization is a priority for me because it blesses my children" Jamie C. Martin, Steady Days: A Journey Toward Intentional, Professional Motherhood
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I used to feel like a deer caught in the headlights a lot during the day- what do we do next? But following the ideas from Steady Days and seeing each day in visual has helped a lot. I seriously love this schedule idea! Before going to bed I pick up one of my basic print out sheets and sketch in the plan-here's a typed sample because I'm messy with my pages. I usually have my planner so I can work in things from my to-do lists and put down any appointments we might have. I also check my ideas page listing all the 'times': Storytime, Arttime, Learningtime, Free Play, etc. A lot of them I only get to once or twice a week, so it's nice to mix it up so we can get to the important things ;)

I don't let myself get frustrated or irritated if we don't stick to it exactly because I know that it's a blueprint, a starting place, for hitting all the things I want to do that day. Seeing those finite little blocks helps me realize that there is only so much time; but over the course of a week we usually can get to everything important. I still need discipline to get up and keep things moving at a gentle, but steady pace (more on that later). Because I work a little from home and have help that comes a couple times a week I don't have a ton of housework. Martin, the Steady Days author, also says it's hard to create a schedule other than something quite basic if there's a baby in the home less than six months.

My goal is to use the schedule every day for 28 days so I can make it a habit. Has anyone else tried this schedule thing? If you leave a comment with some feedback before Monday I will pick someone to send a starter binder like the one I'm putting together for myself complete with a supply of daily planner sheets and a spot to write Mom's Favorite Moments. Martin has also posted a bunch of resource pages here that are great.

Throwing in the Banana- Sometimes this Mom Just Wants to Give Up

2010-09-06T13:55:00.000-07:00

Last week I was having a sweet, snuggly moment with l'il Chrish when suddenly my head whiplashed with pain. My eyes smarted and cheek throbbed like I had been slapped. Caleb had thrown a banana from across the room dead at me. Hard.

What child, completely unprovoked, clocks their own mother? Obviously I'm doing something totally wrong and all of this hard, painful, excruciating research and work is useless.

I could almost taste the anger in my mouth I was so blindingly enraged. Just when I was about to lose it the anger gave way a bit to weariness: weariness at trying so hard and still feeling so far away from the answers. And then, just maybe if I thought about it a certain way, under the weariness I felt a tender kind of strength. Roth (Women Food and God) may be onto something because somehow as I took a sec to feel the emotion it melted away and I was able to handle the situation with a new tack I've been working on: Be focused, firm and sharp as a tack as I 1.try to get at the "incident's" concern which was: Caleb was hungry and wanted me to open the banana for him, after which I 2.pound home the message that: It's Never OK to hit, kick, throw things, or otherwise be rude and harmful because that really, really hurt me and 3.we need to Always Use our Words. Next time say "mom, I'm hungry, can you help me with this?"

Luckily, very, very luckily, something good happened next. Head hanging, Caleb said "I'm sorry mom." My heart melted. That was the sweetest, most tender and unsolicited sorry my little son has ever said. And it all happened without shouting.

So in the end my son pounded me and I didn't even wind up punishing him; instead we hugged. Somehow, some way, I found the energy to straggle on through the moment with my 3 little steps. Some would shudder and say I'm just rewarding him. But my son is as confused as am I about why he acts this way at times; controlling himself and naming his need are learned skills. If I want him to use words instead of lashing out I need to model it for him (and see just how hard it can be)!

I hope I'm on the right track here, sometimes I don't know. There's no dress rehearsals, no second chances, no fast forwarding 10+ years to see what kind of habits my kids have. Parenting is ruthless like that. It's just one little teaching moment at a time, and my kids aren't the only students.
ps. next time I'm going to post a sample schedule. if anyone else has been trying it, please get ready to leave me some feedback! I would totally appreciate it!

Top Ten List of Things to Do at Home with Kids- 1. Dance Party!

2010-09-02T12:44:00.000-07:00

"The therapists advised us to keep (our son) moving, so we put on fifties rock ' roll and dropped our butts. "Dance party!" we'd call out after dinner, and head for the living room. Chubby Checker entered the pantheon, displaced Raffi, made "Splish Splash" our favorite song.. We twirled around, did flailing jumping jacks and somersaults, danced the twist, the swim, and the pony. What began as therapy for a three-year-old turned into play for a family, a nightly ritual of music and movement and fun. And slowly, almost imperceptibly, our anxiety over our son's issues and problems was transformed..." Katrina Kenison, The Gift of an Ordinary Day

I have to admit, dance parties feel like they should be impromptu and spontaneous, but usually if I'm not thinking about them or making a teensy bit of effort to plan them, like Katrina Kenison, they just don't happen. And a day with a dance party is a good day because you can't dance without smiling really big. At least we can't. Short, sweet, no mess, no special ingredients, no arguing... just a few minutes of laughter and silliness to pick up our spirits and have fun together. Our favorite songs are Tonight's Going to be a Good Night by Black Eyed Peas and Let's Dance by Lady Gaga. Also Me and Julio Down by the Schoolyard by Paul Simon.
I'm coming up with quite a list I work off when I'm scheduling our days. Will post a sample soon.

"L'arte d'arrangiarsi"- Simple Projects with My Kids

2010-09-01T15:41:00.000-07:00

"There’s (a) wonderful Italian expression: l’arte d’arrangiarsi – the art of making something out of nothing. The art of turning a few simple ingredients into a feast, or a few gathered friends into a festival. Anyone with a talent for happiness can do this..." Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat Pray Love

I once bought 'idea' cards listing fun activities to do with kids using household items. Sensory boxes, flashlight exploration, ball jars, crumpled newspaper in handkerchiefs... They all sounded good but unfortunately the flashlight batteries were always dead, I couldn't find anything resembling a handkerchief and none of the balls fit in the jars I had. The kicker was that if I actually did pull it together my kids rarely got interested! When I was baking they loved to smell the spices, but if I gave them cinnamon sticks in a sensory box they ran away. I often felt irritated they didn't appreciate my efforts.

I'm learning that sometimes simple is really the best way to get to special, and focusing on my kids is a much better way to spend the morning than focusing on a handkerchief-hunt. The last thing I want to do is feel irritated, but so often I find my patience wearing when I'm getting an activity together, or hurrying my kids out the door to get to a playdate, a museum, or a park. While going places, meeting friends and being busy are all wonderful and necessary, I sometimes feel they don't allow me to really connect with my kids because we're too busy being entertained to interact. That being said, we do need a bit of a plan because we all have fun, connect with each other and behave better when we find "something to do"- an activity of sorts. I'm learning this activity needs to be easy, require zero prep time, and no special "ingredients". In other words, amidst all the chaos of our lives, I need to whip up "something out of nothing", what the Italians call l'arte d'arrangiarsi- turning a "few ingredients into a feast and a few friends into a festival".

Yesterday I had planned to stay home in the morning so I could be with my kids, but when we do this I also try to keep it stress-free by not planning anything specific. One time we made a Hot Chocolate Cafe, another time we "went fishing". But today when we finished getting ready for the day I paniced: I literally could not think of anything for us to do! Slowly, I took a deep breath and listened to what was happening in the moment. My guys seemed up for a little project, nothing big but something they could sink their teeth into. I looked around and happened to see an old lamp we were getting rid of just sitting out on the driveway. I saw one of my boys carrying Peter Rabbit and remembered during storytime last week they'd asked a lot of questions about what a scarecrow was. Something told me the lamp would be the perfect scarecrow stand. L'arte d'arrangiarsi. When everyone responded with enthusiasm to "making a scarecrow," we got started.

With Beatrix Potter's scarecrow drawing as reference, my boys helped me find a random cardboard tube for the arms. Julian solved the problem of how to attach it to the stand by going inside the house and coming back with an extra firewire computer cable we had sitting around (how oddly genius!) It was strong yet flexible to work with.

Caleb brought shoes with laces like the picture and Julian set up the pants with a coat hanger. They coloured in hands and ripped a paper for the face, which was a little small but the right shape. They drew in the face themselves. Their little brothers hung around and helped out, just happy to be a part of the action. I was surprised at how 'into it' they were as they went beyond the picture to come up with their own creations. They stayed engaged when I stepped back to let them try to solve the problems, jumping in only when they got frustrated. In the end, who knew a junky old lamp, cardboard tube, and firewire cable could turn into a free, easy hour of fun and a way to connect with my sons? At one point I got a little giggly when they were working together to put on the jacket and started singing "What works? TeamWork! What works? Teamwork!" (I have no idea where that came from...) because I thought I felt a teeny, tickly sprinkling of l'arte d'arrangiarsi magic hit us just right then.
I realize that sometimes it doesn't all work out like that, but sometimes it does and I'm so glad I try! I've learned the key is to listen to my kids- what are they interested in right now? Are they asking questions about something? What does the day feel like? What do we have lying around? Keeping it simple and focusing on the fact that we just want to do something together, no matter what it is, has taken me a long way from the frustration of my idea cards. If I use what's within arm's reach, listen to the moment and follow my kids' lead, I have a feeling we'll continue to go to some pretty magic places... together..

Trying to Work the Schedule with my Little Ones

2010-08-30T09:37:00.000-07:00

Usually I leave our older boys' doctor check ups feeling overwhelmed. I come away with a list of well intentioned "try-to's" that peter out a few weeks later. Last week the doctor's advice included: 1. have one-on-one time with your boys because that's super important for twins 2. try to work on some fine motor skills with Caleb by playing Board Games and other finger activities 3. keep up the physical activity with all my kids and try to sign Caleb up for swim lessons.

I'm hoping this year I'll take the advice into stride by turning it into habits instead of one-month wonders. I was surprised to find myself turning to my daily routine for help; like making a necklace I'm trying to arrange the beads I want on the string of our day. I've started to include a nanny column for the days that our housekeeper/nanny is in the house, and a column for Ian.

I can't say enough about the help I'm finding from this Steady Days routine for little kids. I'm trying to leave us plenty of time to do everything, but we still often fall behind schedule. Still, even if I schedule in a half hour for fine motor skills and we only wind up doing 5 minutes, consistently, it's still an improvement on where we at before. Just being able to see my day on one page with all the spots there are to fit in the things my kids need and I need (all simplified) is such a relief!

Routines with Little Kids

2010-08-27T07:50:00.000-07:00

"I had often found it amazing that almost every day I had the opportunity to create a new habit, either positive or negative, in my young children" Jamie C. Martin, Steady Days

Lately I've been manually jotting down a plan/structure/schedule for our day per the ideas in Steady Days (I super highly recommend this book). Overall I want us to do lots of things, and so do my kids!- connect with friends, have Arttime, Musictime, Bakingtime, Learning-letterstime, Naptime, Playtime plus I need to run errands, make dinner and do a million other things. Knowing my first priorities are connecting with my kids and finding a little time to get personal things done have helped me find that with some planning I can do all the things we need over a couple of days.

Just the simple act of committing the sched to paper is helpful and I'll usually glance at it only a couple times during the day when I get panicky about what to do next. So far Arttime has been a big hit- the other day I brought out the paint and the kids asked if they could turn one of the leftover moving boxes into a ship. They even asked if we could put up a sail and find some water. I love the way that rough planning helps us be more creative and sometimes have more fun then a rigid schedule or no plan at all.

I really feel like drawing from a big store of ways to spend the day and arranging them ahead of time in whatever works for us is one of the most important tools I've discovered so far. I used to go into work with a plan- a list of items that need doing and blocks of time for doing them, why should this be any different? My plan isn't set in stone, if my kids are clamoring for baking muffins when we had arttime down we switch, or if a park day invite pops up, we can switch out our free play time. It's just a blueprint, a starting place to shape the moving pieces of our day so we hit all the important things. It helps me see the things we did do that day, instead of the things we didn't.

The problem is that it's hard to make myself keep it up! At work I had other adults that I was interacting with who wanted to see my results and kept me accountable. Here, let's be honest, as long as nobody calls Child Services on me and my husband opens the door to a relatively peaceful home, my work is accountable to no person. To make things worse, unlike my workplace where the results of what I did could be seen right away, many of these results aren't going to be seen for years to come, maybe even decades. The shaping of minds and hearts is long term stuff that starts with each and every day. Like beads on a string there will literally be thousands and thousands of them before my kids leave home. How do I keep up the willpower to be purposeful and intentional about each one?

One answer I came upon last night is to use my fellow-moms and friends to support and be accountable to each other. Why not invest in each other's success? A couple friends I meet with in the Power of Moms learning circle have agreed to be reportees with our daily plans so I'm interested to see how that goes (I'm counting on you to count on me!) And I encourage everyone who might be interested to try out the structure idea- print out these, make your own etc.- and write back after a week with how it went. I would love to hear from you!

Steady Days

2010-08-25T07:49:00.000-07:00

"Every mother functions best when she's being intentional with her time and energy" Jamie C. Martin, Steady Days
Jamie C. Martin immersed herself in motherhood by having three kids all the same age: one biological and two adopted from India and Africa. The basic premise behind her short and lovely book Steady Days: A Journey Toward Intentional, Professional Motherhood is that moms should approach their job with as much professionalism and purpose as any important CEO, because that job is one of the most important ever.

She has a couple really simple principles that I love: plan the day. I love her choice of the word "steady" because I think it's an encouragement to provide that stability that everybody works best under. Create a 'Steady Routine' that might be the same every day, or different each day of the week. Plug in the blocks of time with all the things that mom and kids need and want to do. Her ideas include: Structured Play (kids and mom play with a toy that mom chooses, maybe something kind of involved) Free Play (letting kids play unconstrained and often outside, although usually needs to be supervised), Room Time (teaching kids how to play on their own and mom doesn't always need to entertain them, best if confined to a room and special toys get taken out at this time), Quiet Time (either napping or, if an older kid it's different from Room Time: kids lie quietly and look at books and kind of rest) Storytime, VideoTime, Arttime, Baking, Crafttime, Individual Time, Scrapbooks (recording with kids what happened that day). Of course errands, playdates and outings get built into the day also. She has suggests making a column for you and your husband and/or nanny so that mom can do things she needs to get done during Quiet Time or Room Time.

I've been reading lots of books about the best ways to use my time with my kids, but this one helps me fit all the pieces fit together and not get overwhelmed, embracing and enjoying the moments like I want to without worrying about getting this or that done. I've always heard that kids thrive on routine, planning and order to the day. My sister in law told me that she once taught two separate kindergartens: one that had a lot of rules and structure and one that had none. Surprisingly, the kids did much better in the one with the structure. I know that this will be good, but sometimes it's hard not to get on a phone call that goes for a long time. If I was at work though I know I'd keep it short- and I am, after all, working!

Jamie herself admits that sometimes you can get into a bit of a rut if you don't plan some spontaneity in there too. It's an odd thought that having fun with my kids is kind of hard work at times, and spontaneity takes a bit of planning to set the stage, but it's my experience! One of my own favorite discoveries- Creative Play (playing together with my kids but letting them lead them activity and see where they take us), helps us have fun and connect with each other.

Anyways, here's my planner. I found that I need to print these out and write in them every day. I can't always stick to things perfectly, but found that the days definitely goes more smoothly when it's there. How to stay motivated and disciplined? Martin urges moms to remember our motivation- to give our kids our best. "What keeps me going in the midst of unpleasant difficulties is a Steady Heart. This is even more important that a Steady Day, because if you have a Steady Heart, the Steady Days will soon follow. A Steady Heart contains a sense of purpose, the idea that you know why you are doing what you're doing, even down to the most mundane of tasks. Everything is involved in the big picture, so everything is important." Jamie C. Martin

Hey Anger, Want to Be My "Partner?"

2010-08-19T23:05:00.000-07:00

"When we allow ourselves to feel the full heat of anger without expressing it, a mountain of strength and courage is revealed" Geneen Roth

Oprah vouchee Geneen Roth has written a bunch of books designed to help people who eat compulsively, but she's the first to say her theories apply to anything dealing with losing control to something, so I decided to apply Roth's ideas to anger management in parenting. At that moment when I'm about to lose control and witch-face morph happens and I say a bunch of words I only sort of meant at a very loud volume, I stop and actually feel the emotion that is swallowing me. What is its story? She even gets into things like asking what colour it is (black? red? magenta?), where we feel it on our bodies (chest? kidney? stomach? big toe? j/k) and a physical object it resembles (tightening belt? crashing wrecking ball?).
In the heat of a parenting moment I don't have time to do all of that; I just do my best in a few seconds. When I take the time to feel what is coming, and this sounds completely crazy, but here goes: I almost feel like my emotion is telling me something important that I can only hear if I stay in control and actively listen. If I do this I can actually partner with my anger as it directs me in a response.
Today one son wanted a sugary-something around dinner and I said no, eventually he started to spit at me and call me "poopy mommy." I felt the anger explode- what an outlandishly rude thing to do simply because I'm trying to keep him healthy! I took a couple deep breaths, watching him as I listened. It felt like the anger was actually not so much about what he was doing, but me feeling my dignity, my pride even, was threatened. In the same instant I felt a surge of something else -how could this tired little boy, and I could see by watching that he was tired- honestly, actually, truly threaten my dignity. Surprisingly I felt a quiet, steady power inside me that sounded of echoing eternities; my divine nature. As soon as I showed the anger this place it softened into an understanding of sorts, not exactly compassion like the Dalai Lama describes, but maybe its not as hot, but decent-looking younger brother: understanding. This understanding embraced me as I quietly, but intently watched him spit and potty-talk in my face for just a moment longer until he kind of stopped, almost like he was silenced by my face. I used some of the other things I've been learning to teach him this was unacceptable and he apologized. All of this took place in ten seconds. He climbed on my lap like it never happened.
I wish I could say that adding this great new tool on my belt is really pouring out the peace- but that would be lying. What it's mostly doing is helping me melt stressful events quickly, not explode them; it's helping me dissolve my anger, not store it. In different situations I feel the anger differently and respond in different ways. Obviously I'm not supermom and can't figure this out all the time but when I can, listening to the anger sometimes also shows me where the motivation is coming from: a hitting moment is taking out frustration at not getting a need met instantly; a teasing moment is dealing with boredom. My kids need to maturely deal with boredom and frustration, but that'll take time. No two and four year old can master it. Realistically it will take years of teaching and learning; I don't know why I sometimes think that yelling is going to speed it up.
In the meantime, the words in Moroni 7:45-46 have been going through my mind a lot lately, mostly because I'm starting to see how beautiful, but long this journey is going to be: "Charity suffereth long, and is kind... is not puffed up, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil, and rejoiceth not in iniquity but rejoiceth in the truth, beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things... charity never faileth. Wherefore cleave unto charity which is the greatest of all"
Hoo boy.

This Just Got a Lot Harder-

2010-08-17T22:31:00.000-07:00

Today at the park I asked one of my sons to stop pushing a rotating circle-thing so his little brother could get off. He flagrantly ignored me, kept pushing, and baby brother got dragged and scraped on the ground. I stopped my son, then calmly told him that what he did hurt his baby brother. Without warning he struck me right across the face.
If I back up a bit, just prior to going to the park I consciously did try to give all my sons as much attention as I could to fill up their 'emotional tanks' and connect with them. As we were getting ready to go, another son tossed our car keys in the air and they had mishappenly landed in a small crack underneath the sealed concrete steps of my brother's house. Despite me and my sister-in-law straining for 20 minutes lying on our bellies and reaching into mouldy dirt with wire hangers, pens, magnets, prayer, and wooden spatulas with the rubber tips removed, we didn't get them. Afterwards, I was a little stiff as I handled my kids, a tad rougher than usual. Having the sliding door close on one of my son's little fingers, crushing and bruising them blue didn't help. Also having another son consistently take his shoes off and throw them into obscure hiding places on three separate occasions also didn't wipe out the black cloud that was gathering over my head.
I could feel the tension in my voice as I struggled not to yell while we walked to the park. It still didn't prevent a meltdown. About a minute before my son punched me in the face, my sister in law said that if she was me, she would be yelling all day long at her kids.
Today was an especially bad day and traveling makes things rough. I realize that my 2x2 situation is very unusual, but having these stressful events that occur both accidentally and on purpose breed more chaos have become the new norm as my kids hit 2 and 4.
I'm not just talking about embarrassing behavior that doesn't look good (although thankyou for pointing that out in your comment, Staci, because that does happen too and I'm learning to let that go). What I mean by meltdowns is when my kids cross a line where their flagrant disobedience causes intentional harm to me and/or their siblings, or drains me of time and energy by cleaning up huge, unintentional, messes and totally enrage me. But the meltdowns are also connected to these weird, stress-inducing, accidental events that I can't prevent very easily.
These stress-inducing events typically don't happen when we're doing our child-driven creative play. But we can't do that all day every day. Life requires us to go to the park, visit our family, and pick up the dry-cleaning. And no matter how emotionally tanked up everybody is, and I'm realizing how desperately important that is now, the bottom line is that with too many little kids around it can get crazy. Exponentially, terrifyingly crazy.
In light of all this, I'm making a bold, possible super-crazy goal over one thing I can control: do not ever, under any circumstances, or for any amount of love or money, lose my temper. Ever. (Although, one stipulation: I may be aiming for progress, not perfection here).
When I lose my temper I can't find it for awhile. Shouting can be very effective, but with little recovery time before the next random crisis of blueberry stains, nuclear diapers, broken lamps or a shoved little brother strikes, it's all too easy to get completely insane. Yelling and turning into witch-face makes my kids cry. It breaks them, sometimes a little, sometimes a lot and sometimes into too many pieces. The anger ripples through everyone, giving the thumbs up for all my little guys to lose it too. In the Dalai Lama's book on the Power of Patience, he says outbursts of anger plant the seeds of anger in others- "that person does not hang on to anger but passes it on, perhaps repeatedly." Acting in anger diminishes our virtues; if left unchecked anger can destroy us. Staying with patience is strength, it brings immense power.
But I found that when I kept myself checked, the anger eventually explodes anyways- bigger, uglier and guiltier. In Women Food and God: An Unexpected Path to Almost Everything, Geneen Roth has a focused approach. She believes in the importance of facing deficiencies, of being with a yucky feeling instead of drowning in it or escaping from it or numbing away from it. "All any feeling wants is to be welcomed with tenderness. It wants room to unfold. It wants to relax and tell its story. It wants to dissolve like a thousand writhing snakes that with a flick of kindness become harmless strands of rope." Skeptical at first, I've had some success with her ideas. She believes there is great power in feeling anger without acting out in it. "When we allow ourselves to feel the full heat of anger without expressing it, a mountain of strength and courage is revealed."
Seriously? Could that actually be true? We'll see...

Watering the Roses, not the Weeds

2010-08-07T13:33:00.000-07:00

"When we focus on what is good and beautiful in someone, whether or not we think that they "deserve" it, the good and beautiful are strengthened merely by light of our attention" Katrina Kenison, The Gift of An Ordinary Day

When I was a new mom it seemed that the word on the downlow, the one whispered behind open palms at the playgrounds, large elm trees off sidewalks, step-aside areas away from the cash registers at Target, was, whatever you do- it's not cool to go easy on your kids when they're being bad. I've heard many cautionary tales about the mom who wouldn't discipline her child and was kicked out of playgroup, or mysteriously stopped getting calls for playdates. In public, if a child is out of control, I can almost hear people thinking, and often hear them saying: "that mom's got to come down hard on him."
I think just about everyone agrees kids need limits, but what if this way of thinking actually incentivizes negative behavior? What if giving big responses for bad behavior and few or no responses for good behavior actually incentives bad behavior? What if focusing a lot on good behavior while staying neutral and calm and un-exciting during undesirable behavior before doling out timeout is a piece of the puzzle I'm looking for to bring more peace to my home?
The basic premise of Transforming the Difficult Child, which I believe applies to both the difficult and undifficult, is that in traditional parenting kids get energized responses when they act badly; unconsciously this is desirable to them. "Most conventional parenting paradigms have it backwards: the higher payoff goes to occasions when the rules are broken, and the payoff is minimal when the child is just going along in an acceptable yet ordinary fashion."
The solution is to help kids create and nurture success by looking for times when kids are doing good things-playing quietly on their own, helping out, etc.- and verbalize those several times an hour, even once every 10min., giving focus and meaning to those beautiful quiet moments that are so ordinary. I've always tried to be positive with my kids, but never so frequently and as a means for pointing out rules that are being kept. Some of the comments can be neutral and non-judgmental, "The color you chose for your project is very bright and glittery. I see you combined the purple with some orange," and others can be positive "I see you are working hard not to bother your brother even though he pushed you. I am proud of you for not hurting him and getting back to what you were working on."
I've been trying this for a few days and I have to say the world looks a lot better. My kids do a lot of good things! I love seeing their eyes light up and their ear cock towards me to take in the positive words. I think the power here is in pointing out how following rules helps us feel good instead of just seeing rules as something bad we're always breaking.
Yesterday I asked Julian to give a sparkly red bouncy ball back to his younger brother. With a frowny face he started dragging his feet in that direction. Normally that's the point that I lose it and he runs off. But I tried out the positive talk, using the littlest thing to start: "I like the way you're walking back towards your brother, I know it's hard, but you're doing a great job" He stopped with a near-smile on his face. Even though I was about to say "hurry up please!" that look made me sputter and try to keep going, "that's great the way you're coming back this way so he can have a turn too. You're doing a good job of listening, I like to see that." He gave it back without a whimper of protest!

It seems to be the strangest thing in the world that I and other wonderful mothers can become enmeshed in negative patterns with the little people that we love so dearly. But I see how pointing out negative acts can perpetuate them, and I fear when I don't give ample attention to good things they diminish. Can I look for more ways to put a "hand on the brow" like Galway Kinnell's beautiful poem encourages:

"Sometimes it is necessary
to reteach a thing its loveliness,
to put a hand on its brow
of the flower
and retell it in words and in touch
it is lovely
until it flowers again from within, of self-blessing"
Has anyone else made a conscious effort to try this?

Mom Anger: Fighting that Urge

2010-08-04T14:20:00.002-07:00

"I'm talking about something so frightening that no one ever brings it up, probably for fear someone will call her aloud what we all call ourselves at our most guilt-ridden and self-doubting: (a bad mom)." A Mom's Anger- Sometimes I Scare Myself, Does Anyone Else Get this mad?

So before I post about all the family creations we're making I must stop and deal with demon lady again. Creative play is helping, but I can't deny the flashes of real hatred that still stun me when things go awry. "Teaching our children and teenagers to handle anger is truly what I consider to be the most difficult part of parenting. First, it is most difficult because it does not come naturally... our natural tendency is to become more angry than the child," says D. Ross Campbell in How to Really Love Your Child Yep. All to naturally.
I don't know why I didn't see it quite this way before since it's so obvious now but this has become one of my truisms in this peace journey: I have to fight the urge to get drawn into conflict!! My kids, whether they realize it or not, are sparking me into battle with the Basic Scenario: I ask my child very nicely to put Object A in Location X (usually back in little brother's hand) and they scream "NO!!" and throw, dump or shatter a huge mess on the ground and/or pound something into someone's face. My eyes flash red as in an instant I know my kind gesture was basically met with the bird, I must soothe an innocent victim or dig out a magic eraser and get Cinderella-scrubbing, and after everything I do all day for those little stinkers they couldn't possibly appreciate me less! By then I've already given into the moment by yelling and dragging the offender to their room.
Anger is a part of this imperfect life; pressures are applied to us all resulting in kettle steam that must find a way out. What I didn't realize fully is that following directions and managing anger successfully are advanced skills that take a long time to mature- we're talking Age 17 as the Best Case Scenario. Some people take longer or never learn to manage anger. It's unreasonable to expect my kids to do anything much differently at this age and it's my job to carefully teach them how to manage anger, this means I need to model good anger management myself. (yikes!)
One of the things Campbell advocates for is "Neutral Face" which "will pay many dividends as the years come and go. The accumulation of mountains of needless anger provoked in your child will be avoided." The neutral face means being fully attentive, but pleasant, firm and calm in the face of a raging, out of control meltdown. I've often watched passerbys trying to tease a reaction out of a human statue or mime and are awed at how those people can really keep their cool down. Anytime I've tried to be a mime I really suck. I always smile, which is death to the NF. Campbell says smiling or laughing to ease the tension can make the child feel belittled and his concerns aren't being taken seriously. The purpose of NF is to stay in control of the moment.
I love NF. It's awesome. Getting angry leaves me feeling burned, and steering clear of a lash-out saves us all trouble and tears. Also when I get angry I look at my kids with a mean eye and my face turns all witchy, according to Campbell this fuels the flames and leaves kids feeling unloved. He believes it's crucial for kids to know they're loved even when they're being bad as part of a larger discipline strategy. So I think of NF as my gameface. When a mess or a shove shakes me out of nowhere I think "It's Gotime" and steel myself to appropriately manage my own anger and the overall situation calmly. Don't laugh, but it seriously feels like a superpower, one that is growing daily as I practice it.
In "Transforming the Difficult Child," Glasser and Easley also stress how important NF is in helping to never, ever get sucked into the fray. But unlike Campbell, who recommends gentle lectures after the storm passes, Glasser and Easley think those only work on The Cosby Show and Full House. They say after relaxing that deathgrip on my flippy little lid, the next step should avoid lectures because they don't work in real life with little children.
Obviously, NF isn't the only answer, and pitching lectures seems a bit harsh. What happens next is interesting... and I'll get to it soon. What would it be like to not flip my lid for a whole week- maybe a whole two weeks? Dare I dream? "Success can become second nature, like breathing, and can take over one's life as well... in expansive and healthy ways" say Glasser and Easley. I'm all for that.

"the creative family"

2010-08-02T13:51:00.000-07:00

"Being creative is important: important to me because I feel myself to be a more complete person when my creativity is expressed; important to my children, who witness adults growing, sharing and learning creatively; and important to my family, who grow and connect by creating together." Amanda Blake Soule

I stumbled upon Amanda Blake Soule's 'The Creative Family: How to Encourage Imagination and Nurture Family Connections' mostly because I thought the cover was cute, and it's taken my tentative discoveries of imaginative and creative play as a way to connect with my kids to a whole new level. While I don't know if I'll ever take it to the mat every day the way she does, I find her ideas inspiring. From putting up doorway and clothesline theaters, taking a nature walk with on-the-go art bags for some inspiring sketch-time in the woods, using both makeup and costumes to dress-up, gathering pinecones, grasses and berries for table displays, making afghans and cards for charity organizations and having family drawing time, she pulls out all the stops. There's a photo of her one year old daughter finger-crotcheting, her three year old son embroidering one of his drawings on a pillow.
Not particularly crafty until she started having kids and her 'creative spirit was awakened', her basic premise is that kids are happier when they are embracing their creative selves by developing and expanding their imaginations, and family connection is deeply nurtured when families create together.
I've already discovered some of her tenets- let your kids lead the way and it's actually easier to play when there's less toys around. So after wrapping a present for a friend's birthday party last week, Caleb asked about wrapping something for his Grandmother. Following her idea about handmade gifts, I asked him if he wanted to paint her a picture to wrap and he got very excited. While the boys have painted at school I've never had them paint at home because I know they'll all want to do it and just the thought of the four of them and that mess makes me want to pass out. A year ago I bought some paints, brushes and canvases from IKEA and have not once opened them; to be honest, the minute after I bought them I never had any intention of opening them. I guess I just needed a little push to get myself past the hesitation.

Still, it wasn't without great trepidation and a few second guesses that they were brought forth into the light of day. They hadn't dried up (darn!). Luckily it was Sunday so Ian was around to lend a hand. I have to admit the boys thoroughly relished their paint time, were absorbed for about an hour, and are so very proud of their creations. I was quite surprised to see how much Jack loved it- he actually made a very good painting completely on his own.
She has tons of ideas I plan on trying out over the next little while. Does anyone else have tips about what works for their kids and their families when it comes to creating things?

Something must Give-

2010-07-31T18:44:00.001-07:00

"Finding the time to be alone with your child, giving them all your attention for an extended period of time, is one of the most difficult aspects of parenting. We must a pay price to make it happen," Ross Greene "How to Really Love Your Child"

After our trip to the Hot Chocolate Cafe, I wondered if that kind of connected morning was a fluke- maybe everyone woke up on the right side of the bed that day or had a really good breakfast. Next time we could easily wind up in FightCity or SuperBoringLand.
But so far, when I can get the right balance by staying engaged and giving the boys ownership, a magic couple of hours results. The other day Caleb and Julian, spurred by our friends' recent fishing trip, took us to the "aquarium". They caught little toys floating in basins with clothes hangers before we bounced on some beds. The next day popcorn came up in conversation; we took the lid off the popper and measured the kernels out in a tablespoon we passed around the circle so everyone had a turn. Afterwards they ate their treat in the "magic cave" before heading outside for lunch.

Making a plan ahead of time is useless; sparked by something we read in book or a conversation floating in my boys' heads the destination surprises us all that very morning. Since learning kids are often happiest at this age developing their creativity and imagination, I've felt so freed to play with simple household items and make them into whatever we want. They came up with the idea for the "fish" (random little piecey toys), the "aquariums" (plastic toy basins) and the "cave" (a spot behind the piano.) Their ownership really has resulted in happy play and less pressure for me to keep them entertained.

I'm tempted to say that I'm noticing far less outbursts, especially in one son, but I haven't been tracking that accurately so I can't say for sure. I'm tempted to say the amount of inter-sibling rivalry is going down, but that might be idealistic; all that time together may actually be making it worse. What I can say for sure is that I feel closer to my kids and I can tell they feel closer to me, and that some quiet place in my heart tells me that my kids need this right now.
In order to find time for uninterrupted play a few times a week and keep up with the business of life something had to give. As I thought about what that could be while knowing what it was, a small part of me hesitated. It felt like I've already given so much. My national daytime Emmy sits on top of the piano collecting dust. I won it when I was 28; while I wasn't the most talented editor on the team, my age and responsibilities were significant. Sometimes my mind wanders to the six-figure salary I was pulling in then and all the things it could buy my kids now if it was back- a top-notch preschool, a beautiful home in this beautiful place. Mother Theresa said it's much harder to care for those in our homes than those far away. We can care for those far away with food and physical things, those at home we have to care for with love, something internal that must be renewed daily. Love is hard to come by when you feel stressed all the time. I've decided to slash my 2 day/wk work schedule back, leaving the kids with child care help just two afternoons a week instead of four. I can't think of any other way to make this happen. In the myriad of situations and factors life offers, I know this decision isn't right for everyone, but it feels right for us right now. While part of me thinks it's insane to set aside very good earning power so I can catch floating baubles with coat hangers, another, more gentle part of me knows that is exactly what my kids need right now. I may or may not find myself with more time later; that's a gift I will gratefully accept if it comes.
Today when my four boys were happily and non-contentiously eating their popcorn together they invited me over. Knowing these years of magic caves and wanting mom around are numbered, I set aside a project I picked up during their independent moment. Earlier I had sprinkled a couple chocolate chips into the popcorn, all of which had vanished immediately. As we neared the bottom of the bowl a last chip was spotted. Caleb snatched it quickly. Just as he was about to eat it, he paused as he looked at me. "Here you go, mom," he said as he gently put it in my hand. His sweet offering wasn't given without some small awareness of sacrifice, maybe his own and mine, came straight from the heart and touched me deeply. I don't mind what I might have to give to see this little boy with a filled heart every day of his life.

The more time I spend, though, the more I see how much I have to learn, how much I struggle to keep my patience and manage my anger as well as my kids'. And how do I balance the development of their creativity with learning their letters and things all the other kids are doing? Although I still have lots more to cover in my new readings, I recently ordered another 12 books, including a book about Anger and Patience by the Dalai Lama. More on that later...

Hang on- We're Going... Somewhere

2010-07-28T13:30:00.000-07:00

"Without my intense dislike for housework, this book never would have been written. I find it easier to have my kids out exploring than to stay home and clean up after them." Shelley-Anne Wooderson-Los Angeles by Stroller

By being less bossy with my kids, but also engaging with them more instead of getting swallowed into my own world, it's been easier to be at home. It's almost like we're going on a trip. We all get in the car, but I make myself comfortable in the passenger seat, guiding and supporting and maybe navigating a bit. The four year olds are at the wheel, taking us all to some very interesting places.
Take, for instance, our little jaunt last week. That morning heavy clouds glowered and Caleb and Julian were wanting to go to Starbucks. Since we didn't know if it might rain (and I didn't want to go), I nudged them in a different direction and somehow, after a few minutes of me trying very hard not to take over completely, the boys decided to make hot chocolate at home.

My sous-chefs helped me bring all of the ingredients to the table and everyone got a turn mixing and measuring; despite only having 4 ingredients we took our time. While letting each little hand put in a tablespoon of cocoa was time consuming, what was the rush? The slow pace steered us quite nicely and kept everyone happy.
We mixed everything up and put the pot on the stove. I pulled out some applesauce and crackers. We ate and played peekaboo while the milk slowly warmed. I realized that it almost didn't matter terribly what we were doing when I was trying to make time with my boys just as long as we were together and an atmosphere of no-fights prevailed.

When the chocolate was done the big boys served us. They pulled some newspapers onto the table. It felt like we had found our own little cafe! I asked the boys what the name of our cafe was. 'The Hot Chocolate Cafe!" said Julian. Everybody laughed at that. The babies didn't really get it, but they squealed with glee anyways. After awhile I suggested we make some menus. On the newspaper they started writing "lists" of all the things they "needed for the cafe". They giggled and scribbled for nearly ten minutes. Included were: macaroni, cars, Buzz Light Year, apples, spoons, yo yos, jelly beans, chocolate and hot chocolate. I didn't write anything, I didn't even try to correct Caleb's pen-holding. But I did pull out our "cafe" sign and had them help me read it. We drank and drank all the hot chocolate until it was gone, and then everyone went down for naps/quiet time.

I've never been to the Hot Chocolate cafe before. It's not on any map and I don't think any of us knew it existed before we dredged it up. I can't say we'll ever find it again, but I'm sure glad I let them steer us along to its cozy little corners.
On the other hand, another trip that afternoon wasn't quite as successful. I had stupidly ditched out of the passenger seat. The boys kept steering but without my input we all found ourselves in Crackertown.

This doesn't even do justice to the disgusting mess of ground up crumbs scattered all over the house. Enlisting help made it worse. It took me way too long to clean it up.
When I let them drive, it's usually messy, whether or not I'm around. Even at the Hot Chocolate cafe the janitor apparently didn't show up for duty so I had to fill in. Messes can be frustrating, but I don't want to throw the baby out with the bathwater. We all feel better when my kids get real, full access to me for a long stretch of time when they're invested in the play and I'm not trying to duck off.
The summer before I gave birth to Caleb and Julian I visited Morocco, Spain, England and Italy. Looking back, those trips were really wonderful. They opened my eyes, they helped me understand our world better. But in a couple ways, they're right on par with a trip to the Hot Chocolate Cafe. The exhilarating feeling of discovering something new and the tingly excitement that comes with it was reflected in all the shining eyes of my boys, and me I might add. However, I don't ever recommend a trip to that crappy joint called Crackertown. But how to avoid those stinky places? We shall see... ;)

the Shut-ins

2010-07-27T15:29:00.000-07:00

"A child who doesn't experience leisure-or better yet, boredom-will always be looking for external stimulation, activity, or entertainment," Kim John Payne, Simplicity Parenting

Last week I tried very hard to take a hold of my mortal fear of being home alone with my 2x2 household and show it just who exactly is boss around here. Usually once I get everyone ready for the day we're out like a shot to GET somewhere or meet someone before the first whine pierces my eardrums. It keeps me sane. But in order to be more connected to my kids, I wondered if too many activities was getting in the way of that. So last week we stayed home all morning and/or all afternoon.
Every Day.
My husband, who noticed the massive change in our schedule, asked why we had turned into shut-ins.
It was very enlightening, I found a number of things I can do better for my particular situation if I want more peace in my home.
The first thing I noticed is that I need to avoid being too hands-off, (ie. distracted or in my own world of phone calls, email and projects-more on that later) or too hands-on with my kids. I don't mean to be a nosy old know-it-all, but I find it hard to hold back, to allow my kids to "bring more of themselves to the engagement," as recommended by Kim John Payne in his masterful Simplicity Parenting. "When we don't try to fill children's minds and toy chests with prefabricated examples of "imagination," they have more freedom to forge their own, to bring their own ideas into play."
See here's what I do. Caleb finds a beautiful classic leather book (Tom Sawyer incidentally) and brings it over to me. "Look! A cookbook!" Me: "Oh yes! Let's see, there's a recipe in here for Muffins! Let's pretend to make those, these can be the eggs, oh and look it calls for cinnamon..." All I want to do is feed him imaginative ideas and get his little brain spinning. But his imagination isn't getting engaged and until that happens he can't play happily. So, biting back the words that come so naturally, I say "oh, what's in the cookbook?" after a pause: "Recipes" "What kind of recipes?" another pause: "Cranberry juice pie" That's better than lame-o muffins, glad I kept quiet! After I get him started he's out gathering supplies. My input, which started out minimally, tapers and he gets into a peaceful world of play. No whining. No flailing frustration. The ensuing silence, however long it lasts, feels like a miracle. I want to bottle it and hang it on the wall.
the "pie"
Holding back a bit has been good for us in other ways. One of my children was desperate for tape. He had already used some and was yelling for more. Usually I hunt it up, thinking that this will bring more peace to our house. But actually, I'm learning that sometimes it exhausts us all. Payne also talks about countering kids' requests to be entertained or of wanting more with: "something else is right around the corner." He says, "Scarcity-that frustrating, "nothing to do" state-is like a hush in the crowd. Silence. What whispered voice can begin to be heard? The child's inner voice. Stand back. Anything can happen. By reaching for something to do, instead of always being scheduled or entertained, children get creative. They begin building a world of their own making." Sometimes I will need to get tape, but in this instance I kept saying "you'll need to find something else" over and over in a pleasant, firm voice until finally HE DID.
I don't like being at home because I often feel too many demands from my kids to keep them happy, or that it's not interesting or exciting enough, and ultimately, I'm not enough. While being at home all day everyday isn't healthy, there's a lot more to learn here than I thought. Ultimately, I found this final thought from Payne interesting, "Loading up a child's days with activities and events... can establish a reliance, a favoring of external stimulation over emotional or inner activity..." He wonders if it might sow seeds for addictive behavior- "an increasing and compulsive tendency to avoid pain or boredom."

a little Magic Please

2010-07-24T16:18:00.000-07:00

"We find delight in the beauty and happiness of children that makes the heart too big for the body" Ralph Waldo Emerson

That last post was a bit dour and scary. When looking for rainbows I guess I'm going to see a lot of rain. In trying to be a better parent, or even just trying to be a parent at all, I'm challenged in ways that makes everything I went through to get pregnant look like a cakewalk. I've never done this before, I'll never get a chance to do it again, and I wish I had more answers. What I do have is a lot of faith that with some effort, love and patience the very power of the childhood years themselves will help me out a bit.
I was unprepared for the awe I feel over childhood. Magic is defined as the power to change the ordinary to the extraordinary by unexplained means, and by that definition childhood has to have the most magical of anything on earth. Many times I have seen children touch something very, very ordinary with their presence -hanging around by the tennis courts, chomping on a snack, finding a cardboard tube- and instantly the experience is deliciously hilarious, exciting, giggly. Curly ringlets bouncing up and down, sweet laughter like bells spilling over the sidewalk, little bodies shivering and shaking all over from happiness- and from what? Just life; plain, boring, unembellished life of the variety that would be hard pressed to crack a smile out of anyone else. It's touching. It's lovely. It's beautiful. A coordinator at a nursing home told me that just having children around was therapeutic for their seniors. Dostoyevsky said "the soul is healed by being with children."
I found this little quip in Wallace Stegner's immortal Angle of Repose : "Botanists tell us that the blossom is an evolution of the leaf- but they cannot say just why that particular bud should take from the same air and sunshine a fairer substance, a deeper color... and become something at which each passerby pauses, and goes on his way happier for the sight." On the sturdy stem of boring, daily, routine activities children can make the moment blossom with rich delight, exquisite pleasure, joyful and easy hearts, all fruitful ground for planting a lifetime of beautiful connection.
But the sweet spontaneity that transforms the leaf into a bud can also turn into a handful of crushed dust. In their excitement, kids can spill, break, stain, scrape and mess the moment; quite unintentionally for the most part, but still. The question to put to me is if I can keep the magic alive, the bud unwithered. To do this I must put a smile on my face, clear a path of safety, wipe and scrub and tidy, and then look in their eyes and smile again.
As I'm gearing up to build better bonds with my kids, maybe I need to be prepared to also become a magician.

Connecting the Dots

2010-07-23T17:34:00.000-07:00

"Mothering does not just mean caring for; it also means caring about-recognizing each of our children as unique individuals and cherishing them just as they are," Katrina Kenison, Mitten Strings for God

In order to figure out what my kids are REALLY saying, thus avoiding explosive behavior and creating more harmony, I'm realizing that I need to strengthen our connection. My sister-in-law describes her 3yr old's behavior like a rope between them. When their connection is strong, he's good, when it breaks due to one thing or another... ooo boy. She's emotionally sensitive enough to feel these changes.
I have many obstacles when it comes to connecting with my kids on a satisfying, daily basis. First, I had a lot of them all at once. Maybe I can connect well with one or two, but it's tough to hit all four, especially my younger ones. Nursing helps with that, and when it's gone things change. Also, connecting is different than spending time together. I spend a lot of time with my kids, but at some point I started feeling that entertaining, educating, and enlightening them with all the skills they are going to need to do well in this world (socially, academically, fine motor, gross motor etc.) is a better use of time than just being together.
Activities that connect me with my kids are not the ones where I'm trying to make something happen- eat food, find shoes, learn letters, brush teeth, leave me alone so I can shower... Connecting activities are slow and gentle. They include a lot of eye contact. A lot of laughing together, they put a sparkle in my kids' eyes.
The problem is that with my 2x2 situation, the best way for me to connect with my kids is when we're at home with absolutely no distractions. But the other problem is that with my 2x2 situation I've been avoiding being at home alone because I feel there's too much chaos. My kids are stimulated and distracted when we attend events, so for the past two years I've scheduled multiple types of events for us to attend- meeting friends at their house, at the church, inviting friends over, going to preschool, doctor appointments etc. I literally try to have something scheduled pre and post afternoon naps, every single day.
These events are great and important, they're not the problem. The problem is that we're out of balance. When we're engaged in them I'm not able to connect with my kids. I'm usually chatting with friends, trying to make sure everyone stays in one piece, or herding. So 'connection time' gets squeezed in around bedtime or a few moments here and there. And as I'm reading about the kind of connection kids really need to weather the storms that will be hitting them in just a few short years. Frankly, I'm terrified.
Basically every parenting book that I'm reading right now talks about how strong, heartfelt connections between parents and children are increasingly rare in the face of technology usage, demanding work schedules, commuting schedules, homework requirements, and just the expectations of life today.
Kids have increasingly vanished behind a silent wall where their real friends and activities are completely unknown by their truly caring and involved parents. In the amazing book Childhood Unbound renowned parenting expert Dr. Ron Taffel went behind the silent wall to learn about the world that disconnected kids (which is, soberingly, most kids today) have created in an attempt to help them get out of it. What he saw literally made him go white. It's unlike anything any other generation has known, and it's in heartland USA, not just urban centers.
Raves, alcohol, drugs, tattoos, group sex in every possible permutation and location, extreme fighting in warehouses until someone becomes unconscious, cyberbullying, all by kids fourteen, thirteen, twelve... and the problem is when they start at these ages when brain development is at a sensitive stage they often become hopeless addicts and worse. He also has plenty of stories of make-out parties starting at nine, eight year olds saying "fuck you" or "what an asshole" when their parents ask them to turn off the TV and come for dinner... it's inextricably heartbreaking.
One of his basic premises is that parents need to engage with their kids when they're young. Otherwise, they become sad, then angry, then they just don't care. They vanish into their own universe, buttressed by texting, tweeting, and lying to their totally unsuspecting parents. Taffel says, "the hard truth is that parents love their children, but they do not create the time to pay direct, undivided, personal attention to them."
Yikes. At times, my kids do seem angry, but I do so much for them! Could trying harder to really connect with my kids on a daily basis bring more peace to our home now and side-step future land-mines? Taffel seems to think so.
to be continued... (this is all going to come together, I promise)

So, what are you REALLY Saying??

2010-07-22T15:52:00.000-07:00

"If you don't understand the concerns that are fueling (outbursts), then those concerns won't get addressed and explosions will persist" Ross W. Greene

So in my pursuit of peace I'm trying to eliminate explosive outbursts from my kids (and, thus, me). Even if that's impossible, I have to try. I hate them! (the outbursts, not my kids) The basic premise of the highly recommended "Explosive Child" by Ross W. Greene is the reason an outburst occurs is that kids have a concern that isn't being addressed, and as it gets dismissed or ignored by the parent, who is trying to show the kid that they're in charge and their will must be obeyed, the frustration crescendos to out-of-control craziness. Sometimes timeouts help, but often timeouts add fuel to the fire because they even more aggressively ignore the concern. Instead of timeouts, Ross' solution is to gather information and try to get at the heart of the concern.
Using this "method" one of Greene's clients found out their kid fought about doing homework because they write slower than their ideas come out and got too frustrated. The parent was shocked; they thought their kid was just being a punk. Another found out that their kid fought with them about getting on the school bus because someone always hit them, another that their kid didn't want to turn off the video games because they didn't have any friends to play with. You'd think kids would just say this, but I think they don't know how. Some pretty powerful revelations can pop up when the "why" is discussed. Next, the parent respectfully shares their concerns ("well, I'm concerned that if you don't do your homework you're going to get further behind and won't write faster etc.") and then they work out a solution together that addresses both concerns.

As I'm trying to apply the principles of empathetically "gathering information" over an outburst or area of conflict, I've been surprised how sometimes it really does work. A few outbursts have been quelled around here with a good talk. But sometimes I just can't figure it out. Ross talks about how you really have to dig around and be patient; sometimes kids are speaking a different language.
Not surprising, they're kids. Most adults can't even communicate clearly.
For example, yesterday morning Caleb was having a cataclysmic meltdown because he wanted to watch a movie and I said no. He kept asking and asking and we reached outburst mode before I could blink.
So I knelt down and looked him right in the eye and asked him why he was getting so upset about not watching a movie.
His reply? "I just want to watch one right now" in a very high-pitched whine.
Aargh.... so unhelpful!! Why did he want to watch one right now? As a rule movies only come on in the afternoon for an hour during babies' naptime. He knows that. And Caleb never asks to watch movies. He can barely sit for five minutes when a movie is on.
I thought hard. That word "now" stuck with me. I thought back to what had happened that morning- nothing out of the ordinary. I thought back to what had happened yesterday. We are taking advantage of a free pre-k summer program Caleb qualifies for due to his cerebral palsy (which is very, very mild, my sister-in-law calls it "just a whiff") The summer program is great for me. I don't have to lift a finger. The bus comes right to our door to pick him up and drop him off and it lightens my load to have high energy Caleb entertained for a couple hours. Also, while I was nervous about sending him on the bus, he seemed to LOVE it. He was so excited to get downstairs and wait for it.
But when he came home yesterday he missed the naptime movie, which he normally couldn't care less about. Is that why he wanted to watch it now? It was almost time to go to school, come to think of it I had actually mentioned it in passing a few minutes before the eruption.
I took a shot in the dark- "do you not want to go to school?"
Immediately: No. Now I was asking the right question: "Why don't you want to go to school?" Caleb proceeded to tell me that it was too crowded, that he didn't like his teachers, that he didn't like being away from brother etc. etc. We talked about it and worked out a solution together. His outburst ended immediately. Instead of dragging him to timeout because he was arguing with me, we hugged.
His freak out had nothing to do with watching a movie, he was freaking out because he was overwhelmed with his school and he needed my help.
Good grief, what a heck of a lucky guess that stumbled me over in that direction! How on earth am I going to decipher what my kids concerns are each and every time outbursts occur if they say one thing and really mean something that exists in a different universe? But I'm so glad I figured it out- my little boy just doesn't have the words. He doesn't even have the ability to know he doesn't have the right words. He just has his frustration and his anxiety to communicate I'm not understanding him. If I had let him watch a movie I think he still would have been frustrated because that's not what he really wanted. I think most kids must feel like they're speaking a different language, and it's really hard for them when they can't communicate clearly; their frustrations build as they watch us get more and more irritated with them and even punish them. No wonder we get explosions. No wonder negative patterns develop. No wonder both of us wind up in tears. It breaks my heart to think of all the times my kids were trying to tell me something with all that crying and screaming- maybe all they needed to do was change their socks- and what did I do? I became a mindless barbarian, eager to maintain her deluded sense of power, swinging her babies into timeout and stomping off about how difficult THEY were, as they showered their pillows with their sorrow because they we couldn't communicate. What a heartless wench I am!
So now I just have to figure out how to pyschically decipher what they're saying in the future. So this never happens again.

Do I have too Many Toys, or Not Enough Toys and How Do I get my Kids to Play with Them?

2010-07-19T15:22:00.000-07:00

There are so many places to start when it comes to bringing more peace to my home. One thing that I've been wondering about is how to get my kids to play better- or even just play for ten seconds without having to break up a fight. I've noticed for awhile that it seems like my kids aren't playing with their toys, or if they do it's not for very long. Thinking that good toys would help, I bought more - at Target, thrift stores, online sales, craigslist, etc. - spending carefully and trying to pick quality- so they would play happily. I also organized them better. I created a "toy library" where different toys would get rotated through and be "new" again. I made puzzle bags and got rid of toys that had been outgrown or were too challenging.

I noticed that my kids did play with them a little more after that. They went for old toys that were in new places and got excited about ones they hadn't seen in awhile. But in the end I still felt like my kids weren't getting into the "flow" of play, where their attention and imagination were captured for an extended period of time (as in longer than 2 minutes) and they weren't fighting or calling for me. They'd pull something out and quickly abandon it or they'd want me to "do it" so I'd wind up playing with it which seemed odd. Either way it always created chaos. I felt like I didn't have enough toys, or I was missing the right toys to capture their imagination. I'd look at preschool classrooms and see the shelves and shelves of toys they had. Maybe that's what it took- a big collection. But it didn't matter how much I'd buy, I never came much closer to creating a peaceful play atmosphere.
Something that's been coming up in several of the parenting books I'm reading is that too many toys overwhelm kids and actually make it harder for them to engage in play. In "Simplicity Parenting" Kim John Payne sites dramatic changes in normally developing kids and kids diagnosed with learning disabilities when the number of toys they have at home is significantly reduced to just a handful. While it's never been easier to overwhelm kids with toys with expert marketing, cheap, cheap costs and the fact they're even in gas stations now, according to him and others, a mountain of toys encourages behavior that is hyper, demanding, and "entitled."
I didn't believe we had a "mountain" on our hands, but I decided to get rid of some of our toys more ruthlessly than before. I gathered up the ones that they had outgrown over a year ago (rattles and other things I was holding onto for heavens knows why). That filled an entire garbage bag. I was shocked!! Then I gathered up the ones that were broken, poorly designed, or missing pieces that I hoped my kids would overlook and play with anyway. Another huge garbage bag. Then I gathered toys in good shape but weren't getting played with into the "toy library". Two huge garbage bags.

Immediately it felt good to have the stacks and clutter gone and to look in a box or on a shelf and see a solitary toy instead of a jumble. The changes in fighting and play were much more dramatic than my first attempt. My kids really did start playing with the toys they had for longer stretches. I saw them looking in boxes that no longer had anything in them, and keep playing with what they already pulled out.
Watching my kids play in a less cluttered environment has made me realize I've been expecting their toys to do all the work for them-I felt if they had just the right toy, or enough toys, then they'd really play happily. But what matters more then what toys kids have is HOW they engage with them. Payne says engaged play "is not in the things themselves, it is the force with which children move, imagine, and design with them." Having less- less toys, less expectations from me, and less input from toys has lead to some great discoveries...
to be continued

the Joke Is On Me

2010-07-19T09:37:00.000-07:00

(Lindsay took this photo, I love it!!)
So I decided to try to unravel the mysteries of my parenthood experience by starting up a new blog with all sorts of goals and research and observations and earth-shattering, illustrious revelations...
Meanwhile, as I'm learning the ways of how to have a "garden sweet" in my home, all four boys are screaming at the top of their lungs and my poor husband is helplessly trying to keep them from tearing each other's heads off.
Talk about backfiring...
So while I scrapped the second blog idea, I did still want to create a mini-parenting project as an opportunity to learn some new things, get some feedback from all my dear friends (especially those who are leaving me or who have already left me as well as those who live far away!) as I try to create a more peaceful home and grapple with the 'amazing' aspects of childhood.
Just to be clear about the situation here, I'm not about to jump off the Empire State building (as one friend thought ;) But I do have kids who often don't do what I ask them to do, and sometimes they cry loudly about it and that gets my goat (and sometimes, demon-lady appears). Or, if I give them an answer they don't like, they cry, get upset, sometimes hit me. This happens. It's not debilitating, but I wonder if I can make it better. Scott Turansky said, "High hopes and idealistic goals are a part of every young family... An interesting transition takes place however, as families grow and mature. These same parents give up their positive vision in exchange for basic survival skills. They just want to get through the day. They can hardly wait for their child to go to kindergarten or high school and be out of the house." While I'm not quite there yet, I feel these words are all too true, and I've heard them from others.
I know what it feels like to have a peaceful, loving feeling in my home, because we had that at the beginning when we almost lost our little ones. It's absolutely amazing. And I think that childhood is amazing, not just as a teaching opportunity, but as a potential for magic, adventure, and connection. It's incredible, and it's short, and it's one of the most challenging, daily things I've ever lived through. But I believe that it's possible to get that peaceful feeling back in my home, maybe a different version of it because our kids and our situation is different, but some kind of version. So I'm going to be seeing trying out some of the things I'm reading and seeing if, indeed, it's possible.

Making a Parenting Project

2010-07-17T06:51:00.000-07:00

“Live as you would have wished to live when you are dying” Christian Furchtegott Gellert

Our twin baby boys arrived at 26 weeks instead of 40, robbed of 35% of their gestation and placed at the knife’s edge of viability with a shot at a normal life. The list of disabilities and damages the doctors might likely find was heartbreaking. Death was not excluded, nor was it the worst thing. For the next 103 days while the hospital kept them and watched them, IV’ed them and operated on them, we waded through time like it was made of cement. Each day, each hour, each heartbeat of plastic incubator walls, xrays and brain scans washed us with worry and pain, but each tick inched us closer to the time they could come home. I would have given anything to have them away from the cables & monitors, the huge heavy hospital doors miles from our house. I wanted to envelop them in peace and quiet in our home forever.

That brush with death developed into a gift. When the boys were finally released, I was marveled by the heavenly feelings we felt after the happy union. They sent me floating on a cloud of joy that deepened over the weeks and months. I tickled, I laughed, I watched my husband hold and soothe our dear boys as I physically lived one of my favorite childhood songs “there is beauty all around, there is joy in every sound, roses bloom beneath our feet, all the earth’s a garden sweet, making life a bliss complete when there’s love at home.” Strangers consistently told me how calm, peaceful and patient I seemed for having twin babies. The care, love and joy I gave and received from my little babies as they grew through to their first and second birthdays was incredibly satisfying, soul-stilling, breathtaking. I wanted to make sure that this lasted forever.

The only constant is change, and due to a number of factors and an unbelievable journey I won’t get into here, two other little twin baby boys joined us at a much healthier gestation (34 weeks) two years after their brothers and, in comparison, sailed right home from the hospital although not without reminders of our first brush with death. We hired full-time help. We tightened our budget. We sang a lot of silly songs. We changed a lot of diapers. We got a lot of funny looks when we went out with our quad stroller. Amazingly, despite the growing workload and occasional outburst, I was still fairly calm, patient, in good control of my temper, and wanted to keep it that way.

But one day, when my boys were well into three and my babies were rounding over 18 months, I realized that things had shifted. I was yelling at my kids more. I frequently lost my patience, and even when I was calm it wasn’t the same loving gentleness I had before. Things I had skimmed over in parenting books were now coming to the forefront, again from Turansky: "First baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby. Second baby: You spend a bit of every day watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby. Third baby: You spend a little bit of each day hiding from the children." When my kids were fighting for their lives in the NICU I would have done anything for them, I had a dream of a beautiful, peaceful, happy home. OK, maybe it was unrealistic, and I don't want to give the impression that we were always fighting or screaming at each other. In fact, overall I think we still looked pretty happy, especially for having 2 sets of twins, but something has shifted. Things are harder. A LOT harder! And despite what I kept telling myself- they aren't going to get easier!!

So I've been researching tons of parenting books and came up with a bunch of things I'm working on now, when my kids are young, during this last year before they start school. I'm so excited about what I'm learning. I kind of started a new blog, but as I was working on it yesterday while Ian had four screaming children, I realized it wasn't helping my cause any. So, instead of being crazy, 'm just going to put up some posts about what I'm learning here and there, as I find time...

the DEMON is out

2010-07-15T16:18:00.000-07:00

"Each child is an adventure into a better life - an opportunity to change the old pattern and make it new." Hubert Humphrey

Last week, I ordered fifty-three parenting books.
Caleb smashed my temple with a metal car when I was trying to get him to share with his brother and it hurt so much and I got so enraged... while nothing in particular happened, it just felt really, really ugly. This incident was not isolated, over the past few months a shrillness has crept into my voice with a frequency that wasn't there even six months ago.
When one of my children's wills butts up against my own and there's just the right mix of this and that on both sides- ah beware. They turn me into a crazy monster and afterwards make me wonder "Who was that person?" followed by a chilling "oh, I know her very well. She's my worst self. My Very. Worst. Self." Yes, she's my dark secret, like Mr. Rochester's ex-wife locked up in the attic. She doesn't get out that often, but when she does she Rages. She snarls, she snorts, her face contorts into scary, weird, grotesque expressions. She pulls her hair and gnashes her teeth. She throws things, she yells at people, she swears (does she ever have a sailor's mouth). She's a demon.
For obvious reasons, I find it very unsettling that the people I love the most, the sweetest, dearest, purest little precious children who giggle and laugh with me and make my heart burst with joy, they're the ones, yes, THEY'RE the culprits, that bring her out of me more frequently than anyone else in my adult life.
Also, these angelic creatures- THEY turn into slobbering, snarling demons too, even more then I do. Of course, this is to be expected. They're children, (er, right?) Recognize the little cherub cuddling with me earlier? Well, now he's hitting, biting and kicking me. And I'm not alone, this little quip from Ross Greene's "Explosive Child" made me feel better : "Amy's parents would ... inform her that a time-out was imminent. Amy would begin throwing things at her parents...would try to scratch and claw... spit on or bite or head-butt them. They would confine Amy to her room until she calmed down. Once locked in her room-when her parents were actually able to get her there- she would destroy anything she could get her hands on, including some of her favorite toys... including her mirror."
All because they asked her to brush her teeth. Yep. Just trying to keep her chompers from rotting out of her head.
Reading about Amy also showed me a glimpse of what may be as wills strengthen, patterns harden, life gets more complicated and stressful as responsibilities grow. I don't know if demon-lady or demon-child will ever be good-riddanced out of the attic, but I've decided there are some ways that I can batten the hatches a little better now, and in the future, so they can't get out. Too often.
Since my kids have developed from passive infants to children with a will all their own, my old tricks- hungry? bored? tired?- just don't work like they used to. The meltdowns seem to come as unbidden as rainfall and all I can do is watch, helplessly, as the storm unfurls on us both. But as I've read my stacks, it turns out I might be wrong. According to what I'm reading, they can be practically eliminated with the right tools in hand.
I've set a very bold goal to
ELIMINATE THE EXPLOSIONS.
When I first ordered all these parenting books and they started arriving faster than I could even open them, I wondered if I was over-reacting. The car smashing wasn't that bad, mild in the grand scheme of things. I have two sets of twins! Things are going to get hairy sometimes. But I've been learning sooo much it's kind of exciting. I've decided to post every other day about the big list of goals I've cooked up.
More next time...

Confessions of an (unwitting) Shoplifter

2010-07-06T10:54:00.000-07:00

It started innocently enough. One day when I was in the Children's Place and the kids were going crazy I left with a tie in the bottom of the shopping cart, one that I didn't know was there and didn't pay for. When I saw it I knew I couldn't put it back right away. As exhausted and harried as any mother of 14 month old twins would be who had just spent over two hours and two hundred dollars shopping the best sale she had ever been exposed to (huge clearance plus an employee-friend's discount) I could barely lift my hand to put the key in the ignition, let alone load the kids back into their strollers and walk all the way back to the store. In retrospect I really should have found a way. But I just felt I couldn't. I resolved to bring the tie back next time I was there. Little did I know that "next time" wound up being about two years later, and needlessly to say, I had forgotten all about the tie (which was too big and tucked away somewhere).
But a month after the Children's Place incident "we" shoplifted again, this time at Target. The little munchkins slipped something into the shopping cart and I didn't see when I put everything on the conveyor belt. It was a Cover girl foundation, SPF30, just my colour. I resolved to bring it back to Target, but since I go so rarely it wound up kicking around in my bathroom. One day I opened it and started using it.
If only I went back to these stores often it would be no problem, but running errands for me is inexplicably hard. I avoid them like the plague. I grocery shop every three weeks, I go to Target no more than a couple times a year. Once when we needed a bathtub toy container I just made one by drilling holes into the bottom of an empty plastic laundry box to avoid an errand. It was a turning point for me, and from then on whenever this little 'problem' would occur, this vulnerability created by too many kids, too many tasks, too little time, and a shopping cart with dark corners and shadowy basket edges, I'd make sure to return the shoplifted item immediately- in a clothing store I'd just chuck it on the first display shelf I found, at Target I brought it back to customer service. As hard as it was then, it was going to be impossible later.
But the bottle of foundation - I couldn't return that now. I'd broken the seal. And what if I did get questioned? What would I say? Would they believe it was unintentional or arrest me? I didn't have time or bandwidth to contemplate the dilemma between the doctors visits, therapy appointments, cerebral palsy hovering over us. I would have loved to correct the problem if I had the time and energy to do it. And then one day, the universe stepped in.
We were doing our bi-annual Target stop before hitting the library to make some returns. I had a few of the items in my purse, and, in helping me to load items from the cart to the conveyor belt, one of them had a barcode that got scanned even though it was clearly labeled as library material "High School Musical 2" (don't ask me why I had that dvd-it's too embarrassing ;) The total rang up around $16+tax. The cost of the foundation I had lifted plus interest.
I didn't find the blunder until later, but I faced the same problem. How was I going to find time to go back to the store and explain what had happened? Just as I was the unwilling benefactor of a pleasantry, I was now the unwilling benefactor of a penalty. Ah-ha! Justice! But miraculously, I didn't need to feel bad about paying for an empty barcode, I was spared the frustrations of the customer service line, because I owed them one.
Having two sets of twins through IVF has provided me with many ethical and moral dilemmas I never could have imagined, the least of which was shoplifting.
Now I better get that tie back to Children's Place before I get slapped with a heftiier late fee.

Vintage Fun

2010-06-29T20:32:00.001-07:00

I love the book "Mitten Strings for God" by Katrina Kenison. It's about slowing down, scheduling empty afternoons and creating close, meaningful relationships with our little people. She tells a story of 'the breakfast tree', which was a tree that she and her mom sat in one morning with a breakfast picnic to welcome the day together. " ...we both recall the magic of that morning, how lovely it was. Over the years, I've come to think of the breakfast tree as a symbol of my childhood and of what I loved most about being a child-the kind of casual, daily intimacy with nature that was simply a way of life, a way of life that I took wholly for granted then and for which I am deeply grateful now. I suspect the breakfast tree symbolized something for my mother, too-it was a point of entry into my child's world, a place where a busy mother and a little girl once took in the world's wonders together, in a spirit of shared adventure and discovery."
Lately in these less-scheduled summer days I feel like there's a simplicity (not necessarily ease) to what my kids like to do best with their days- they tend to be happiest when they're given the ability to access discovery, adventure, and a type of magic that comes with all that. It's typically old fashioned fun without the help of technology, and it takes a bit of time, planning and focus on my part, but then again, just like the breakfast tree, I'm a part of the adventure, at least peripherally as I supply the location or the supplies, and the support. It's been having a picnic behind the piano, floating paper boats down a creek, capturing tadpoles, climbing trees, rolling down hills, pumping on a swing, picking up ants... I don't believe there are a shortage of moms who frown upon these things- ants might bite, or the creek could be contaminated, or you can get sap on yourself or slip out of the tree... All of this could be true. But I think most of the time these risks are hugely overblown; I encourage my kids to sample the world, to feel it on their fingers and breathe it into their bodies and experience it all of their own making. It's finding the wonder and beauty of simple things with my kids. I love it!

Summer is the best time to do it too, although if I get creative, there are opportunities inside and outside at any time of year. I love to take advantage of big swaths of parks with trees, hills, or even a creek because the boys could really just spend all day exploring it. When I slow down and do it with them, I can't deny that it's really special for me too.

"Suddenly, I realized, we truly did have something to celebrate: the joy of real togetherness."-Katrina Kenison
ps. I don't think it would be honest to give the impression that I've been feeling as calm and collected as this post may come across- this week has been particularly hairy, but I do like to focus on the calmness I feel when we're climbing trees or rolling down hills...

New York, I Love You

2010-06-21T20:27:00.000-07:00

"Well, the flight is full." The stewardess who uttered these horrible words offered no pity, no sympathy, no understanding of what it had taken for us to get to this ticket counter. It seriously took everything that I had not to burst into tears right before her uncaring, pursed lips. But if I was honest, I can't say I was surprised. The whole trip to New York always seemed like it wasn't really going to happen. Hoop after hoop had to be cleared well before we ever stepped on a plane. First we had to "see about" our buddy passes from a very gracious friend, then we had to pack everybody and everybody's shirts, shorts, socks, shoes, diapers, wipes, sippy cups, toys and drive 6+ hairy hours to Grandma's house. Then Ian had to work remotely for a few days so the little guys could get used to things on site and quit keeping everybody up all night when we, er, abandoned them. Then Grandma and the aunties would be in charge of our four under four for four days, a feat that undoubtedly would be the hugest favour in the world except that Ian and I have to do it everyday and we just wanted to celebrate our 12-year anniversary with a special trip
(even still, it was a huge favour!). So while we were exhausting ourselves flying all day Thursday, flying back Sunday and then driving 6 hours back to LA, we were supposed to be having a good time. Yes, it really did seem like somehow, this was not going to happen. And maybe that was a good thing.
The day before Ian had sat me down and said that it might just be too stressful for us. And too glitchey. Why didn't we just call the whole thing off and drive up to a nice little place around San Francisco where we could get some sleep? After all, wouldn't it be best to rest, and, as Ian's Grandpa put it, New York isn't exactly a "sleepy little town." I wavered, I came close to relenting... why did I insist teetering us on these ledges of craziness? Who in their right minds would be doing all this to fly across the country for, like 2 days when it really came down to it? I had justified the trip in my mind because we were flying on buddy passes and we had a free hotel night we were using, but on the other hand that kind of travel is glitchy. Maybe the risk wasn't worth it... what if it totally backfired and we got stuck somewhere, or the kids were too much to handle and we couldn't get home? Maybe... hmm...
But then I got a funny feeling that we needed to go for it. Life was short. We may never get back to NYC for years and years, we didn't call on family too often the way every other 2x2 mom I know does, and whatever happened, just being together would be fun. Nobody was talking me off this ledge.
I was regretting all of that big time when we got to the airport and found out that the flight load, which our buddy pass benefactor told us looked "fine" the day before, was full- 149 seats were gone out of 150, and there were 3 standby passengers ahead of us. I ran to the phone to cancel our hotel, only to find that we would have to pay $509 for our "free" night, way more than it was actually worth, if we didn't show up, and the'd also charge us for the second night.
Again, it was all I could do not to burst into tears.
The best part of the trip happened right there when Ian just smiled at me. He didn't get mad, he didn't say "I told you so", he didn't even sigh or roll his eyes. He just smiled and said "let's go for it, whatever happens, we'll be together." He knew how much I wanted to go to New York, how hard it was for me to leave all those years ago, and how much I had been looking forward to our trip. So he just went with it. I know it wasn't easy for him to look so positive. And I have never loved him quite the way I did right then.
As we waited to get onto the flight to JFK and I saw how crowded the gate was, I just knew we weren't getting on, but I said a fervent little prayer that we would. In the grand scheme of things this was a pretty ridiculous request, but if there was any possible way we could get to New York so that we could have a wonderful time together and strengthen our marriage and make some good memories, to please please please let it happen.
As we sat watching the hoard board my heart was simultaenously sinking and pounding so loudly I was pretty sure everyone could hear it. Just before the desk closed the stewardess said that we did have a chance. PLEASE! I thought. PLEASE!!! NOBODY ELSE MAKE IT!! And, then, suddenly, moments before we were supposed to take off... she handed us tickets. And not even two middle seats at the back, these were two seats right next to each other at the front! One of the other standbys had canceled and another crew member had switched his seat so we could sit together.
I felt like we were walking on the clouds. By some miraculous miracle, we were going to be going to New York after all.
That turned out to be just the beginning. Our trip was perfection itself of an embarrassing variety. We didn't have any ugly run-ins that are so typical of this aggressive, type-A city. In fact, we kept noticing kind deeds- a group of people scrambling to help someone with their suitcases on the air train, a man in a hurry stopping to help a young mother with her stroller off Prince Street, some people helping someone with their crutches by Washington Square. And everywhere we ate was the best food we had eaten in ages. We started laughing about how it got to the point where we'd just be meandering around and turn a corner thinking oh, what's here? Oh, something else that's going to blow my mind. We'd hit the most outstanding chocolate shop or pizza parlour or cupcake bakery. Everything was amazing. Including the weather.

June is typically a cloud of humidity, but our days were perfect. Unbelievable. Sunny and a little warm with a baby breeze. And our trip was the best kind, we didn't do any of the 'big' things, like climb the Statue of Liberty or do the Empire State Buildiing, we just soaked in all the little things that make New York what it is. I sighed in deep comfort at the unique, musical little squeal of the subway train as it was pulling out of the platform. I never noticed how much I missed it. I loved seeing the kid with the white-boy fro who set up shop on the Brooklyn bridge, typewritter in lap and a cardboard sign saying POEMS FOR SALE taped to his stomach. I would have loved one of his typed poems, but a crowd of people beat me to it so Ian and I made up our own poems, his were so

good I thought he had gotten them from somewhere else.
I loved the amazing pizza we tried at 'KESTE' which means 'THIS IS IT' in Italian, and how all the people who served us were authentic Italians who spoke Italian to us like of course we'd be Italian too, and the crisp crust that gave way to chewy softness inside and ooey gooey cheese that tasted like the mushrooms it was paired with. And how we wandered into a cafe when the US vs. Slovenia World Cup game was on and the emotion of the crowd took us into its embrace as they went crazy for the 2nd goal and wept with despair at the robbery of the third goal and how instantly we were a part of things. Even wandering through Dean and Deluca and laughing at the $170/lb Waygu was such fun. Everywhere hydrangeas were blooming, sending their sweetly invisible scent in the air and all the people in all the parks were talking earnestly about their relationships, and we were strolling around, hand in hand.

On Saturday afternoon we went to an old favorite, Doughnut Plant, in the lower east side and got lavender, blueberry, tres leches, and peanut butter-glaze & blackberry-jam filled doughnuts with blueberry lemonade on the side and took a taxi up to the Bethesda fountain in Central Park for an impromptu picnic, driving past all the crazy places I used to work and laughing at all the crazy people I used to work with.

We drove past the building where I was when I watched the towers fall, and the building where I got my first paycheck in New York and sang "if you can make it here..." and we went to the bridge by the Dakota where we got pictures taken a million years ago when we were young and just starting law school and Ian still had most of his hair.
It just felt like the city was unbelievably generous to us. Strangers offerred us unsolicited subway information that saved our skins, lines to amazing restaurants weren't too long, the return flight was perfect, although after that first scare we cut our trip short a day so we could get onto a less crowded one, the "free" hotel night really did not charge us one penny, and every single minute was colourful, amazing, and precious. I do miss New York, after all these years I can't believe how instantly I felt at home again, but I'm inexplicably glad we're not living there. With our 2x2 situation it would be quite horrendous. But I'm so grateful that I do have a little bit of crazy ledge-jumping in me, and most of all that I have a husband who, when the moment is right, totally goes along with it. Also, amazing family in Sacramento who kindly and graciously watched our little guys so well and so uncomplainingly everyone was happy and safe and had no desire to return home. I'm glad we went. Somehow, this time, everything did work out.

The temple was amazing. We lived through all the renos but moved right before it was finished.

Where on Earth did the Year Go?- Joy School Graduation

2010-06-13T19:36:00.000-07:00

Did an entire school year really just go by? It's hard for me to believe that our lessons from Joy School about how wonderful the earth is, the difference between 'healthy' food and 'sometimes' food, making Jack-o-lanterns while talking about feelings, and filling in a goal chart for each time Julian played nicely with his brothers were not just a couple weeks ago.
This has definitely been one of my happiest 'years'. (I'm talking school years here since so many endings and beginnings seem to occur in the June/September vicinity) I can't say I necessarily accomplished the most, but it was pretty happy. Having so many little kids at home is chaotic and frustrating at times, but I also realized this year how much fun it really can be. Caleb and Julian were finally cleared from having to go to so many doctors appointments and therapy visits and our days were free to explore LA, go to Disneyland, run in the grass, swing at the park, meet with friends, and do Joy School.

Joy School, for anyone who has no idea what I'm talking about, is a co-op preschool where moms take turns teaching all the kids in the group in their home. The lesson plans, which are pulled off a website usually the night before we're supposed to teach, are a little different from other preschools because they doesn't touch on letters or academic things. Each unit is about joy concepts like the Joy of the Earth, the Joy of Sharing and Service, Setting Goals, Being Curious, etc. Reading the book 'Teaching Your Children Joy' while teaching the units turned it into a parenting tool that helped me understand what my children are going through better and appreciate this chapter of life more fully (ie. at all ;). The Curiosity unit therapeutically helped me see Caleb's mixture experiments and the disapperance of an entire quart of extra virgin olive oil as an expression of curiosity, not just an attempt to make my life miserable. The unit on Goal setting showed me that my kids could actually work towards a goal, for example they can get themselves dressed and make their beds after breakfast in the morning, which they actually and surprisingly do quite consistently.
One of the best parts about Joy School was the families we did it with. By great good luck we all lived in a 4 or 5 block radius and the ability to walk to 'school' was awesome. The other moms are some of the most fabulous people in my life and it was a huge blessing to be a bigger part of each other's child-raising experiences. Also, they were kind enough not to make me teach doubletime since I had twins, which was a big sacrifice and something they always poo-pooed and never made me feel bad about whenever I expressed thanks. Finally, I have developed such a soft spot for the three other little boys in our group. It has been such a treat to watch their little personalities develop and see how different they are. I will always have a special place in my heart for them and enjoy keeping tabs on how they do as they all grow up.

At the graduation we had a slideshow of all the photos of the year- it was neat to see how much they'd grown and remember things like the Daddy-Day campout trip where all the dads took the kids camping and they even wound up on the local news... I know they're still young, a year away from kindgergarten, but it's going by fast so I threw in a song at the end that I edited a little called 'Blessed Be': "So dream on sweet dreams tonight, and we'll dream too of a future clean and bright. Dream on, soon you'll be Standing tall and free- Oh blessed be the hopes and dreams of our Baby."

Next year our group be all over the country and the world and Joy School as we knew it this past year will be no more. But I'm so grateful it worked out the way that it did and who knows?? Maybe next year will hold something even better in its own unique way. We'll just have to see...

Ian's Birthday Party

2010-05-25T14:22:00.000-07:00

So I know I'm way behind on this, but Ian's birthday celebration this year was really fun. (I figured I had to make up for so many not-so-stellar years) We went bowling with our friends- it's the first time any of us had done it for awhile and it was sooo fun! Afterwards Ian took us to a little pizza place in Abbott Kinney that was fun and yummy and it felt like a bit of an adventure. The next day we had a BBQ party at our friends' place. The food was amazing, Ian grilled up some pizzas and they were so good. The next day, Ian's actual birthday, just he and I went to Disneyland in the afternoon and early evening. It seriously was the BEST birthday weekend. Love you honey!!

Life with an Elevator+4 little boys=many angels circling the building

2010-05-20T09:54:00.000-07:00

When we were looking for a "temporary" abode three years ago one of the must-haves on the list was no stairs. After almost eating it, I just could not deal with two babies and flights of stairs from the parking garage if we all wanted to stay in one piece. Any place we looked at had to have a front door (and parking spot) at sidewalk level or come with an elevator. Since it's tough to find the former in Westwood, the latter was ours and has been awesome. So far.

Now that the kids are older and especially Jack and Christian are mobile the elevator is no longer our friend. For one thing, its incredibly impatient. It only gets summoned every 15 minutes or so so I'm not sure why it's always in a big hurry, but you can feel how desperately it wants to close the door as quickly as possible. I've memorized its open-time heartbeat by panicked heartbeat: 7 tiny seconds. This is nowhere near enough time to herd four little kids who all have minds and wills of their own over the tempting gap just the right size to throw mom's keys down, or maneuver a quad stroller that barely fits out the door. Or load in grocery carts laden with Costco food. So it's always closing on us and I have to push in the black bar quite hard to make it open again.

For one thing, it's the perfect recipe for pinched little fingers, crushed bones and severed digits. After all, it happened just recently to my friend, her little 2 1/2 year old, and their bathroom door. The incident resulted in a dangling finger and four hours before a doctor stitched it back on. This elevator is far more powerful, insensitive, and creviced than a mom and a bathroom door.

For another thing, it's the perfect recipe for chaos and mom-insanity. Tacking on the extra time it takes to go anywhere when we have to already have to pack snacks, locate and wash sippy cups, get kids dressed, wiped, socked and shod, last minute diaper changes etc. and THEN herd them to the elevator, try to get them all inside instead of playing on the stairs (while I get one the other runs away- you get the picture), and then exiting them safely and trying to herd them over to the car in the parking garage while trying to protect the wild little tykes from cars backing up and cars coming in and the massive garage door opening is unlike anything I've tried to do before. I need a sheepdog. I am a sheepdog.

I should be much more frustrated and upset, weeping on the ground, pulling my hair out and having a tantrum of my own when it literally takes me somedays 20 minutes (this is NOT an exaggeration) to get my kids from their car seats to the front entry of our apartment. Oh, and try to deal with a cargo load full of Costco loose food as well. My kids should be more maimed, and we should have far less Costco trips, but miraculously, and I'm talking about serious miracles here people, none of those things are really happening. Well, too much.

Lucky for us we have Wiley, Bingo and Champ. These are the trusty shopping carts that someone has thoughtfully placed in the parking garage to make cargo transfer possible. Wiley is the handiest, I don't know how he's in such good form, but he almost pushes himself. Bingo is solid and you can load him up with the heaviest stuff and Champ is just an all around good packhorse. I usually need all three to get our stuff up. But I can do it without too much problem. The kids love to sit in the child seats.

But even luckier for us, I have literally seen my kids fingers get fully pinched and caught and dragged in the sides of the doors while I'm thinking oh no, this is it, there's no way that's coming out but then miraculously their little hands slide out unharmed. I have seen my kids about to fall down the stairs while I'm trying to herd them back down into the elevator and as I'm watching in slowmotion it looks so bad I see an airlift in the immediate future, but then something lifts them and puts them back on their feet. I almost feel like I shouldn't talk about this unseen help because it sounds crazy or ungrateful, but I am not kidding, we should have had a thousand incidents by now and everybody's escaped with nothing worse than a couple scrapes.

As to my sanity, I have to admit I do get very grumpy sometimes, but it never lasts for very long and overall I'm good with it. The elevator keeps us humble, it helps me be more organized (well, than I would normally be;), use my time consciously and run our errands very efficiently. It helps me look at the things that I love about living here- walking distance to the temple, the best sushi right around the corner, and close to all the things Ian is working on so we get to see him more.

That being said, I don't want to tempt our good luck. We've been looking and thinking a TON about where we are going to move because we really do need to move. And our neighbors can't wait for us to move. And I must say a driveway sounds like a heavenly thing that I will never, ever take for granted. We made a massive list of pros and cons of all the places we are looking to move to and nothing is jumping out as a clear answer with a real advantage. So we're here for the moment. But every night and every morning we pray that we can find a house to move to and a plan to make that possible. (Caleb and Julian always pray for a house and a dog. Not in that order.) Hopefully we find it soon!

the Power of Moms-Friends

2010-05-12T21:27:00.001-07:00

I love being a SAHM, but definitely one of the difficulties is that it kind of inherently cuts you off from the world. No office to go to every day, no boss motivating me or group lunches to herd over to.
Lucky for me, I have an amazing and inspiring group of mom friends who are in every way my colleagues. I met many of them when Caleb and Julian were just a few months old and they have made my experience so much more than it otherwise would have been. Our kids are mostly all the same ages so we have a lot in common. Getting together with them multiple times a week over the past 3+ years has been amazing- probably more fun for us than our kids. We go to Disneyland together, try out parks, and we're doing a 5k run in two weeks. We go to the occasional movie together and do baby-sitting swaps so that we can get in low-cost date nights. We watch each other's kids so that we can go to the doctor, the grocer or for a haircut (although with my four kids I might do this a little less than some others. The fact that I have friends brave enough to help me at all speaks volumes as to how amazing these ladies are). We take turns teaching a music class on Friday mornings for our kids, and on Tuesdays we get together for bike-riding. They have steered me towards fun, low-cost gymnastics classes and helped me figure out what to do for preschool. I swap dinners each week with one friend and another has let us plant a garden at her house. They motivate me to exercise, eat better, develop my talents, be more patient and overall be a better mom, a better wife and a better friend.
I don't know what I would do without my mom-friends.
Sadly, many of them are moving out of LA this summer. So this past weekend we headed up to San Francisco for a last hurrah girls' get together. In total, we were leaving behind 20 children and 8 supportive husbands (and my amazing mom-in-law who sacrificed her own Mother's Day to carry my load. The Mother's Day thing was totally unintentional by the way. We figured it out after the plane tix were bought...)

We got to our hotel in Union Square on Friday night (although on the plane ride over we had a stir when we recognized Jesse Metcalfe from 'John Tucker Must Die' riding 1st class on our flight). But the biggest treat was meeting up with Katie at SFO, who flew in from London just for our special weekend. Together we trekked over to the Ferry Building for the world's most amazing hamburgers and sweet potato fries, and then brought cheesecake back to the hotel for a pajama party over 'the Young Victoria'. I could have gone home that night having had an amazing time, but the fun was just beginning.

The next day we got up early for a gorgeous morning run along the water, then we all got manicures and pedicures (for me it had been YEARS since this last splurge) and started a conversation that carried us through the rest of the day: How did you meet your husband? And how did you get engaged? I had heard these stories in bits and pieces, but it was great to get the full version from everyone. While a couple girls went to the Wicked matinee we hit H&M, Anthro, Nordstroms and walked to Ghiradelli Square and rode the cable car. That night we ate at an awesome local joint called 'Sears Fine Foods' where Katie gave me a bite of the most delicious grilled cheese sandwich with pesto, butternut squash, and white cheddar. Unbelievable. We stayed up late Saturday night listening to everyone's stories, and as I listened I seriously felt like I was watching lots of romantic comedies. Some of these stories were way better than a movie!

On Sunday we mostly hung out in Golden Gate Park, chatted, and took tons of photos of us- by ourselves. Like an individual photo. It was crazy! I can't wait for the exceptionally talented photographer Lindsay's photos of the occasion- it was definitely a weekend to remember. I came home excited to see all my boys, with a fresh perspective on all the things I've got going on here and a much longer fuse than I had last week.

It was my kind of fun. We talked about doing another one in five years.
I'm in.

Savoring the Sweetness of Vanishing Moments

2010-04-21T23:00:00.000-07:00

I was chatting in the park the other day with a new acquaintance; this sweet, dear woman was telling me how difficult she was finding the whole 'motherhood' thing and I was nodding sympathetically. She expressed an intense longing for the time when her kids were a little older and it was a little easier.
I don't know what it is with me the past couple weeks, but I've started feeling just the teensiet bit sad whenever I hear someone, or even myself, say "I can't wait until______(fill in the blank examples: my kids are feeding themselves/putting their shoes on/staying dry at night/sleeping through the night/doing their own laundry/wiping their own noses etc.) This is a pretty big shift for me because I spent the first three years of C+J's life talking about how I couldn't wait for them to do xyz that I thought would make my life more comfortable).
Lately I'm truly realizing that each stage has its own set of treasures and they go by in a blink- when the babies aren't sleeping through the night they're preciously soft and spectacularly cuddly and yummy and tiny and new, and when they aren't potty-trained they're learning to really communicate and they think every tiny mundane thing about the world we live in is a stupendous miracle, and when they're still wetting the bed they have the most vivid imaginations and the whole world is alive with magic and secrets and screaming with glee. I took the kids to the pharmacy today and while waiting for quite awhile (seriously we were there for 45 minutes even though it was a call-in) we had a blast playing monster behind a $4 MedicationSpecial display. I looked a little crazy play-grabbing at them, (what else is new) but I've been embracing the fact that my kids are at the stage when they're happier having fun and so am I. A random older lady even joined me in playing monster. She just came up, said 'boo' and hid behind the display and left giggling. While hiding behind the display C&J found three hollow cardboard inner tubes and worked together to hold them just right so they'd make them a long tunnel for a dark blue ring they got at the dentist's office to fall through. The entire pharmacy line was watching them, spellbound, to see if the engineering was correct enough for the ring to make it through the tunnel on each drop. People even cheered a little when they made it.
I wish I could have frozen that moment and kept it cupped in my hands forever, that time when we waited at the pharmacy for 45 minutes but it felt a lot less and we entertained 7 people with a blue dentist ring. But strangely, I find savoring the moments hurts a little, like taking a deep breath in the dead of winter when the air tastes so good and clean at first and then the sharp cold completely burns your lungs. I start to savor, but then I get a little sad because it reminds me that it will soon be gone. Who knows when we'll be there again, and when we are the boys might be in kindergarten, or they won't want to play monster behind the saline solution. I read about someone who, whenever she got to a new place and started enjoying herself she'd say "I'm going to come back here", like she wanted to save the moment, expand it, hold onto it by pushing it into the future, instead of seeing it for what it was- transient, fragile as butterfly wings, about to evaporate when life pulls us to get in the car and deal with traffic and get dinner going. Her friend would point out that she probably wouldn't go back there, because there were other places to visit, other moments to experience, and even if she came back it wouldn't be the same. There would be different people, and different weather, and all the things that made that moment it's own peculiar blend of joy and pleasure and newness would all be different. There would never be another moment like that again.

A couple Saturdays ago we went to the ballfield next to the temple and just hung out. The kids found a bottle brush tree and played camping under it. Ian and I had such a great time just relaxing with them. I kept thinking, we need to come back, but again, who knows when it will be. Birthday Parties, service projects, bike rides on the beach, u-pick strawberry fields... there are a smorgasboard of things to do and only a handful of free weekends. By the time we get back here again Jack and Christian will be talking.
My friend recently told me about a book that's been described as "telling motherhood like it is, without the flowery nonsense." When shopping for books about being a Stay at Home Mom when I was trying to figure out my new 'job' it seemed like everything had something in the title about Surviving or Survival or something like "Only 16 Hours Until Bedtime", I remember another one with a teddy bear hanging by a noose, its head lolling to one side. The "grit-your-teeth-and-hang-on-for-dear-life-hope-to-see-you-on-the-other-side-of-this-alive" is pretty funny, not inaccurate, and it's everywhere. But I can't help but feel it makes it all out to be a trek of endurance, hair-brained and half-insane, gasping to hold on until I wave my kids off on their first day of kindergarten and slowly start to rebuild my life** (**although I don't deny there is some truth to this)

I may have days where I almost fall off my balcony trying to retrieve a lost throw rug, or I make my house smell like a packed smoker's lounge for an entire week because I badly burned the contents of three separate pans (including an entire pound of bacon and beans in a pot we got for our wedding that sadly had to go in the garbage) but every day I feel more and more like childhood is so alive, astonishing and amazing, almost more for me than for my kids, these perfect moments of rings down tubes and capes and bottle brush trees and shining eyes and dirty faces are so unbelievable in their quiet, perfect completeness that the whole world would just be so happy and I'm just so sure that all wars would cease if everyone got a few of these moments with their kids every day. Last week Julian wore his cape I made/pinned, for him to the mall playground and jumped off hamburgers and hotdogs, totally in the moment. I don't know who was more into it though, him or me. He was living, and I was doing the best I could to savor. I just wished I could have explained all of this to my new friend in the park.

Silver Bells and Cockle Shells

2010-04-06T21:17:00.001-07:00

I've written posts in the past about the goals that Ian and I have set this year and last year to eat more fresh, local vegetables. One of the things we wanted to try to do this year was plant a garden. Unfortunately, without a yard this is very difficult. Some might say impossible. Last year we tried to plant some things on the deck- they fared so-so.
So when our friends moved into a house with a really huge yard and mentioned they wanted to plant a garden we shamelessly invited ourselves to do it with them. The fact that they said yes speaks volumes about their gracious, kind natures. They really should have told us to take a hike, but they were incredibly Christlike in their decision to share. Also, I hope it's not incorrect to say that they probably wouldn't have planted it we hadn't harrassed them with our eagerness, or at least they wouldn't have planted it for awhile. I ordered some worms, bought some bins, and we made a vermicompost pile a couple months before planting. We also got all the seeds weeks before planting. And we called in a favor to get the soil tested. Yes, our kind-hearted friends probably figured it was better to let us in on it and rescue ourselves from all that energetic enthusiasm that was bound to waste away on a couple sad little pots on the patio.
We weren't sure what to expect- last garden attempt was back in our old place and it didn't do so well. I wouldn't be exaggerating to say that pests ravaged, shredded, and annihilated it, despite our efforts to use good compost and lots of insecticide.
After a week or two

But this time around we used more and better manure, plus the worm tea, and there's been a lot of rain this season. It's grown fast and we've been enjoying kale, chard and bok choy that has been incredibly delicious (and we actually know what to do with it thanks to the farm box we've been getting). It's fun to see the kids getting into it to- I nicknamed them 'the hose team' because they were so excited to bring the hose around to the garden to help water it with the 'worm tea' a few weeks ago.
the hose team in action-

Baby Bok Choy stage:
We planted it mid-February and were eating yummy baby bok choy just a few weeks later. The first night we cooked it the kids downed it by the handful, I kid you not. I just couldn't believe it. We'll see if we can keep it going. It's hard to find time to get over there, and our friends are busy too so it's hard to find time to have us ove so we'll see what happens, but in the meantime I'm pretty grateful we've been able to give our kids a garden experience here in the middle of the city from our yardless apartment. It's also been great to get to know our amazing friends the Mammens better.

the Best (and Completely Craziest) Years of our Lives (How is that Possible?)

2010-03-23T22:40:00.001-07:00

I can't really explain how crazy the past few weeks have been. How do I convey the frustration of having my kids break a glass picture frame, and the panicy need to clean it as fast as physically possible before my kids step in it but only while using one arm because I'm holding my 18monther on my hip and I can't put him down or he'll sever a limb, while one of my kids dumps powdered sugar into the dinner sauteeing on the stove, and someone else knocks off our throw rug onto the neighbors' balcony below us just beyond reach of my broom (I almost fell off my 3 story balcony trying to retrieve this rug, by the way), then having my other 18monther dump sweet potatoes onto the carpet that would have been protected by the throw rug I failed to retrieve despite almost losing my life for it, and forget I had ripped off one of the diaper tabs while putting on my wriggly baby's diaper until I see the pile of poo he left because his diaper came off, have my cell phone dumped in the toilet, my home phone dumped in the toilet so I'm totally phoneless, a weird mixture of oil and paprika dumped on the couch that will never come out, an entire bottle of red paint dumped on the carpet... and all of this happened within a 3 day period and many of it simultaneously (there's no way we're getting our deposit back). How do I explain all this... what's the word? Sheer and utter chaos doesn't even do it justice. No wonder I've been sick for an entire month!

Anyways, despite the insanity brought on mainly by a new phase that we are trying to get a handle on, I can't help but feel that these are the best years of my life. I love singing with my kids in the morning, dancing while we get dressed and make beds, seeing how excited they get over dandelions, seeing how crazy giggly they are when I play peekaboo with them or Ian chases them with the Gymbo clown doll, how much they love to be with me and how much they enjoy reading stories or getting excited about the holidays. I've never laughed so much or noticed how amazing everything is. We took them to the Santa Monica airport recently. It's a small municipal airport with a viewing platform set against the backdrop of the Century City highrises for people to watch the small planes landing and lifting off. The action was nonstop the Saturday we were there and all of them were totally enthralled- I love the absorbing look of wonder and fascination on their faces, you just don't see that as often with adults.

It's pure, uninhibited fascination. I love being reminded of feeling that way, and enjoying it with my kids, I've never felt so happy so I'll take powdered sugar pasta and paprika soaked couches any day because I wouldn't miss this for anything (although we recently installed a gate to our kitchen and the situation is much improved, and after my mom's visit and help from my friend Natalie I finally got over my virus. Hurray!).

St Patrick's Day Grillfest

2010-03-18T14:12:00.002-07:00

We had our last day of soccer yesterday and a BBQ afterwards. Unfortunately none of the pictures I took of the kids kicking balls turned out because it was so bright. Daylight savings meant it was sunnier longer and the weather was really hot yesterday (80/27!) so it was perfect grill weather. We are so spoiled rotten that all of us live close to the church with its huge ballfield, BBQ pit, tables and playground. It was so cute to see all the kids running around in green. Everyone chipped in and got Ian a really sweet present to thank him for coaching the class. He felt so loved.

My mom friends are all so cute- I actually got the chance to take a few photos of them for about 2 minutes because my mom is here and she took Jack and Christian home with her! I felt bad that they couldn't be there for the BBQ, but it was so, so nice to not constantly be chasing after them and get to finish my sentences a little more than usual. I think we are a pretty happy bunch- not necessarily glamorous or flashy, but we know how to enjoy a nice Wednesday evening with our kids and husbands, which is no small feat. Three cheers for St Patrick's Day BBQs!

What's so Great about Orange County?

2010-03-13T13:09:00.000-08:00

We went to check out one of the new housing developments in Irvine the other day. I had heard a lot of good things about it, and Irvine is consistently ranked among the top 5 places in the US to live.
Let me just say the hype lived up to itself and then some.
We spent most of our time there trying to pick our jaws up from off the gorgeous ground we were walking on.
This. Place. Is. Amazing.
I guess I can't speak for all of Irvine, we spent most of our time in Woodbury. One of our friends who works in realty development has looked at all the new housing developments in the country. He said that this is the best one he's seen in the US.
And quite possibly the world.

First of all, 30-40% of the community is park space. And not just brandnew, undergrown parks, they've got mature trees and grapevines climbing the pillars and shade canopies, playgrounds, picnic benches, BBQ pits, doggie bags, water fountains... I don't know how they did it.

And then there's a 40 acre recreation center right in the middle with a waterpark filled with all kinds of water features for the kids, several pools including an Olympic size pool for their swim team (what community has a swim team?),
tennis courts, basketball courts, volleyball courts (all of which you can reserve online), a baseball field and soccer field, which was packed the day we were there. I saw people running home during play to grab drinks and head back to the field. Oh yeah, did I mention a 10-star elementary school was right next to the recreation center in the middle of all this? Down the street. Walking distance.

As if that wasn't enough, as we were driving along we hit the Town Center.

Okay, they had a Trader Joe's, a Ralph's, Staples, restaurants, a gym, dry cleaners... EVERYTHING! PEOPLE WERE WALKING HOME WITH THEIR SHOPPING CARTS!! Obviously, not everyone lives close enough to the Town Center do this, BUT STILL!!!
At the model home info center we found out about the gorgeous hiking 15 minutes away at Limestone Canyon, and the Jeffrey Open Space Trail actually RUNS THROUGH THE HOUSING DEVELOPMENT!
I almost passed out as I realized you could literally go for a swim or take a hike, swing by Trader Joes' and grab dinner, pick up your kids at school, let them play in the park as you're walking home, eat dinner at the picnic tables, walk to church for Mutual, and then all be back in your house together before the sun set. Oh, because did I mention, a brand new LDS Church is RIGHT ACROSS THE STREET FROM EVERYTHING
O.M.G. (Gracious) And, it's 20 minutes from Disneyland, 10 minutes from the Ocean... We had to flee before we bought something right on the spot.

Over the next couple days, Ian and I, infatuated with Woodbury, looked hard at the 50 mile commute options. He would have to travel a lot of off hours and work a day or two from home, which is an option for him, but would be punitive in some respects for all of us. I rely on Ian's help at the beginning and ends of the day a lot right now, and losing him to a commute would be painful. And while the whole place reminds me a lot of Italy- the home design, lots of green common space- there's not much private yard space. The backyards barely warranted the name. There was room for a BBQ, outdoor furniture, and that was seriously it before you hit the shared fence. Many didn't even have grass. Ian and I love gardening and having the kids play in the yard while I watch them through the kitchen window as I'm chopping carrots is a must-have.
Another thing- it's pricey. Pricey areas usually draw 2-income families and not as many people to share the SAHM experience with. I was planning on seeing what the ward was like, but I didn't get around to it. Only one ward for quite a large area.
So... we decided this would be a great place to live when our kids are a little older, and they're not as interested in playing in the backyard and Ian's career is a little more settled. I think it would be amazing, but for now it's on the backburner.

Soccering

2010-03-06T22:08:00.000-08:00

Last fall Ian started looking around for a soccer league/class to put the boys in. The leagues don't start yet for their age group and the 3 yr old workshops were pricey. Very pricey. And since I'm all about the DIY movement I asked Ian what he thought about doing a soccer class for the kids we know who are 3-4. Ian co-coached his younger sister's team and he's played a lot of soccer growing up (plus his stepdad played on the US Olympic team so EVERYONE plays soccer in his family) so it seemed like a good fit. I think it's a huge testament to what a great dad Ian is because he decided to go for it! I was surprised at how many other people wanted to do it too, almost everyone we asked signed up, so we wound up with 13 kids in the class. Everybody pitched in $40 for equipment and Ian got a bunch of soccer dvds, did some research online, and came up with some games.

I think the best thing about it is that we get the kids running around outside and having fun together. I think that Ian is amazing to leave work early every Wednesday afternoon and wear himself out running around good-heartedly with all those kids. A couple of the other dads lend a hand too so it's fun. I'm just amazed at what he's been able to do with this age group, and how well he's kept his patience with them. We're seven weeks into it and I've seen the kids really improving.

I just love the community that we have here! When I think about moving to a place that doesn't have a huge group of kids our kids' age I feel like it's going to be such a downgrade in lifestyle. We do so many things together- gymnastics on Mondays, bike riding at the church on Tuesdays, soccer on Wednesdays, Musicmakers on Fridays, Disneyland trips, Joy School, playdates, babysitting swaps... wow when I really think about it the list of fun, free activities that provide my kids some fun, low-opportunities to play with others and learn some things is HUGE! These things aren't going all year round, and I don't make it to all of them, but it's great to know that they're there and that I'm in this with a bunch of colleagues.
We really do have an amazing life here right now.

Exploring Westchester

2010-03-03T15:49:00.000-08:00

I can't imagine that there's a tougher place to nail down an area to live than Los Angeles! If we wind up staying in LA proper we'll probably be moving here. This spot is not far from the airport and even though it's not bad noise-wise, the prices are quite a bit lower. For the price of our 1940s 1000 ft2 Midvale house we can get nearly twice as much house here in Westchester. The neighborhood is a bit on the old-side, but these 1950s houses have decent sized yards too, so it's a no-brainer. The neighborhoods are gorgeous and driving around we saw lots of young families and kids playing out on streets. There are parks and community centers and the school situation is actually very good- it's got to be the most family-friendly area in Los Angeles that isn't crazy-expensive.

There are couple exceptional charter schools in the area or close by, Open Charter, Magnolia Academy, Goethe International... and so even if the public schools may not be the best we have an excellent chance of getting our kids into a charter school through high school. One of the schools that just opened this year is a German immersion program with an IB curriculum. I went through 6 years of language immersion in elementary school and even though I don't use my French at all now, becoming fluent in a language at a young age really had an impact on me. I feel like it gave me a lot of confidence in my abilities and made me comfortable to try new things; when I think about how quickly I advanced in the workplace I think it ties back in large part to my foundation in language immersion. I'm really excited about the school possibilities here and even though Charter School spots aren't guaranteed, there are enough options that in all likelihood we would get in somewhere. I can't imagine there are going to be as many amazing exceptional experiences anywhere else in the country for the cost of a public education experience.

The ward actually had a number of young families in it, several of whom had purchased homes. The Primary was a good size, but I was a bit discouraged when I saw the Sunbeams. There were only three kids in there! Caleb and Julian have 15-20 kids in Sunbeams where we are now, enough for two classes. Having kids their age means not only Joy School cohorts, babysitting swaps, playdates and family friends, but my SAHM colleagues are MY best friends and my life support. I worry that even though the community here is great, there wouldn't be as many people as I have now, and that's something I have really come to rely on. Maybe these are silly fears, but it gives me pause.

Well, we may still wind up here. The house prices are much better, although not fantastic, the area is really close to Ian's work, the houses themselves are OK... but it's still LA. Next stop- Orange County.

Could this Be Our New Home?

2010-02-21T15:58:00.000-08:00

On September 25, 2003 we closed on a townhouse in Mid-City area Los Angeles and moved in later that day. Our new place was 1300ft2, with three large bedrooms, 2 1/2 baths and a little patio in the back.

Although we loved it and made it nice with French doors, mouldings and jasmine bushes, (and Christmas decorations I was too lazy to take down) it never really felt like home. The price was good, the size was great, and it was close to Ian's work and my freelance jobs, but the community wasn't there. Our ward only had one other young couple (One!) and they had both grown up in the area and weren't looking for friends. Our neighbors were nice but despite our dinner invitations we never did get close. I organized a book club but for some reason it never came together. After having Caleb and Julian the lack of parks within a 15 minute drive radius, high curbs, steep hills, and three flights of stairs between the bedrooms and the car garage made it maddening. One day I almost tripped on the stairs and dropped my kids. We knew it was time to move.

In 2007 prices were threw the roof and all the way to the moon. So we sold our home and moved into an apartment to rent until we figured out what to do.
Three years later we're still here and confused as ever about where to move. We love the area that we live in now, and would love to stay, but we're still renting. The whole time we've been here we've thinking about what to do for a permanent solution. It's been on our minds more and more as our kids are approaching school age (we've only got 19 months before that happens!) Ian's got job options here and so we're committed to Los Angeles. While living here is amazing, it's not easy. To organize ourselves we've come up with a house hunting list, things that we are taking into account:

a. proximity to work. We'd love for Ian to have a short commute so he can be home with us a lot
b. a reasonable price, we're looking for something that's going to stretch us, not sink us. Having proceeds from our 2007 sale help us out, but not as much as we'd like.
c. a great community and ward with lots of young families; this usually comes with good school options
d. good lot size. It's been a dream of ours to have a big yard for playing, gardening, and cooking in a wood burning brick oven.
e. house quality- size, age, repair status, etc.

courtyard of our old place-didn't think we'd still be sharing walls with people!

Most people would take one look at that list and tell us the only way to find all that is out of LA. A few years ago when my cousin and her family, living in Canada, moved out of their townhouse they just drove around one night to look at houses and bought the first one they were interested in. It was less than a mile from her husband's work, an older house of modest but comfortable size spruced up from a recent flip with a great yard. The price was manageable. They got everything on my list in only a couple weeks! But... they're living in a less desirable climate than LA, so we all give up something. What's it going to be for us?
A friend of mine said that she's not going to buy a home until everything really lines up and it feels just exactly right. I couldn't help but think that she's NEVER going to get something in LA, but obviously squeezing into a less than perfect situation can have unhappy effects: see example above. Since no situation is ever going to be perfect; how do you know when it's good enough? We really thought that our years of searching were coming to a close when we put in an offer on this little gem a few weeks ago:

2540 Midvale Ave

This cutey is right in the area we live now. It has a huge yard but even with 3 bedrooms it's tiny- 1,000 ft2 (reminds me of a Manhattan apartment. In fact I've seen smaller families than ours living in bigger Manhattan apartments). After first seeing it we decided to pass, the size would be too much of a downgrade from our apartment now. But the day after the open house the realtor called me and he said the owners might be interested in a lowball offer. "The place has been on the market for four months and other prospective buyers are having financing issues. Not enough downpayment..." he said. And I started thinking. That kitchen window does look out the backyard, and there's a mature lemon tree and avocado tree back there, and the yard could easily handle a garden, a play area and brick oven ... the current owner had some preliminary plans drawn up for an addition and with the new price it all just might work out.
Could our years of patiently holding onto our downpayment actually be paying off? Is this the miracle we've been waiting for all this time? The prices were finally, barely, in our range and we could qualify for a loan where others with less savings couldn't. I went and knocked on the neighbors' doors, and the more we talked the more we liked what we heard. That little pocket was a good mix of young families and old timers who had raised their kids there. Just 10minutes from Ian's work, it was seriously right around the corner from a great mall with a movie theater and a Barnes and Noble and Starbucks- a walkable community which I like. The school was great, and it was just blocks from several families we are friends with. We looked into building additions and talked to contractors to make the house more livable. Ian got really excited about building a brick oven in the backyard.

Suddenly, just as we were getting ready to put in our offer, someone beat us to it. They saw the house, put in an offer and went into escrow all on the same day.
We were devastated, but the realtor told us there was hope. This offer came from folks who only had a 3.5% downpayment and were carrying a lot of debt so there was a high possibility they wouldn't get a loan- we'd know in 17 days. So we got pre-qualified on a loan and put in our offer. And we asked everybody to pray for us. And for two weeks we could think of nothing else, talk of nothing else, dream about nothing else.
After a week we got a counter offer from the owners. Their accepted offer was having a lot of trouble securing their loan- we could get this house!! But we were also a big disheartened. They wanted us to come up on our price, their current accepted offer was 50,000 over ours! And with all the additions we were looking to do on the house we were quickly falling out of the affordable zone. We also started thinking about the area- we love it, but how many of our friends will be here in a few years? It's a really expensive area. Many young families like ours on one income just couldn't afford to live here long term.
And the more we thought about having to do additions, the more we realized it could be a disaster. These additions would require a ton of research on flooring, windows, roofing, insulation, planning with contractors, applying for permits... we're already running at maximum capacity so where were we going to find the time to do all that? We knew our boys would absolutely love to have a yard, but what they really need is access to us. If we were haggling with sub-contractors and dealing with foundation problems... I saw myself becoming short tempered and moody, my kids feeling confused and unloved. Skipping the additions and living in it as is with all of us, well, that was going to be stressful too. Little closet space, one teeny bathroom, the dining area and living room practically the same...
Would we really be happier here?
We decided not, and never did get in our final counter. Later the realtor told us that the loan had come through at the very last minute, extending beyond the optional 48 hours after the 17 day loan contingency- and the house had sold. I could go on about banks giving people loans who have no business getting them, and how all this debt is making life hard for our entire society because it makes our house prices go up, our taxes go up, it makes more families with both parents have to work, and it prices out the responsible ones who have a real downpayment and don't want to overextend themselves... But that's a topic for another post.
So anyways, the house hunt is on, for real this time, and it's taking us into the belly of the beast.
To Be Continued...

Change is... Change

2010-02-14T20:42:00.000-08:00

For the past year or so I feel like I've developed certain skills, such as nursing two babies simultaneously, cooking and shopping for baby purees, Spanglishing instructions to a nanny/housekeeper nearly every morning, and I built a complex set of routines around these skills and tasks: Costco Tuesday mornings during Joy School, physical therapy Friday afternoons, documenting my family's weekly activities Sunday afternoons...

I can't keep up with them anymore!

But something I've learned about mothering is that just when I get into a little bit of a comfortable routine, everything changes. Usually I don't quite even feel comfortable, it's just that all of a sudden everything gets really hard and I begin to scratch my head and then realize, oop... about twelve key things changed all at once: between all my kids' developmental stages and Ian's and my life there's a lot of change permutations in there.
Lately it feels like a lot has changed: nap schedules, nanny schedules, diet schedules, my schedule, and the skills I once had, like nursing and baby purees are obsolete and now I need to figure out how to get baby Christian to eat something besides cookies (he's got a hound nose for sweets), my kids to 12 o'clock church without an entire family meltdown, what to do with 3 year olds who are awake all day, how to channel Caleb's obsession with pouring water everywhere into something non-destructive, and how to find time to teach my kids how to hold pens and cut and do all the things they keep asking me about...
Obsolete are many of the skills I painstakingly perfected last year. My career field looks very different and I'm in need of some job retraining. Fast. Elizabeth Gilbert said "I grew up watching a mother who became with every new day whatever that day required of her. She produced gills when she needed gills, grew wings when the gills became obsoltee, manifested ferocious speed when speed was required..." I wish somebody could write a Dummy's Guide to growing gills and wings as a mom.
I've been taking a lot of deep breaths lately.

They're all over the place now.

I think that life is constantly changing, and no more so than life with little children. I'm finding myself in a real gap between trains right now, trying to get into a new rhythm with my new tasks. Perceptive as ever to my struggles Ian got me a very sweet Valentine's Book- "How to Organize Everything". I've decided to try to take the opportunity of job retraining to really look at the way that I do things around here- everything from how I organize my toys to exercising to working from home and see if I can't come up with a system that doesn't need a spatula to scrape me off the floor at the end of the day.
Otherwise, when people ask my how I do it, I want to tell them that I've figured out how to go to the bathroom only twice a day.
If only.

A Madera Christmas

2010-01-21T16:09:00.000-08:00

Lately I've been working for the church, editing videos from home about their humanitarian work. It is astounding how far reaching it is and how much they rely on the development of a culture of caring to make it work. I personally think resources are used more effectively on both ends when the relationship between those who are giving and those who are receiving remains close. When government largely takes over the responsibility to care for the poor and needy I think we lose our culture of caring, take on debts to be paid off by future generations, and see feelings of entitlement develop. As a family we try to work with our communities and teach our kids to serve others. We serve because it's the right thing to do, and because any of us may need to be the recipient of these programs at some point in the future. Our ward is very active in serving as well, a few months ago we participated in our annual tradition of making 1,000 lunches and delivering them to homeless people downtown, our Relief Society is making blankets for an orphanage in Mexico on Friday, and we're organizing a blood drive with three other wards for the Los Angeles Children's Hospital in April, and in June will volunteer at the Los Angeles Food Bank.
Who is responsible to help the poor and needy? It's a complicated answer, and I believe the government may have a small role, but ultimately, we are the ones responsible. And while people are selfish and unreliable when it comes to such an important thing, there are those who, when given the opportunity, will rise to the challenge, such as in this video.
REMOVED

If At First You Don't Succeed... Embracing Challenges

2010-01-13T07:58:00.000-08:00

Last year we planted young fruit trees at my in-laws house with so much enthusiasm and excitement thinking about it now still makes me giggle painfully. The salesman at the nursery told us to expect more fruit than we could handle that first summer: I could almost feel the weight of the gorgeous fruit in my hand and taste the sweet juicy peaches, nectarines, plums and pluots. A couple months after the trees were planted they were flowering promisingly
Every story as a 'one day', and here's ours: One day, totally out of the blue, hungry deer entered the ungated yard, found the little trees and feasted on the beautiful blossoms and tender bark, ripping into them like chainsaws and choking off new growth. Without the nutrient-transportation functions of the bark the trees would certainly die.
The shredded little trees

For several months we figured that the whimsical experiment had failed, like so many whimsical experiments do. That summer the sad little trees, barely twigs now, were almost a pitiful reminder of the bounteous harvest we weren't enjoying except for the fact that they were so emaciated you couldn't even see them. Everyone was just too put out or too busy or too whatever to do anything and the trees were on their way to withering away and finding themselves in the green garbage container.
Ian and I visited Sacramento for a long time over Christmas this year and we decided to try again and replant the trees in a fenced area of the yard. Ian's family got some more things too, blackberry bushes, a cherry tree and a fig tree and they dug up the trees and replanted them. Will they survive? Will they ever reach their potential or were the setbacks just too much? I have no idea if this is going to be a good sacrament meeting talk someday or a waste of time. All we have is hope to go off of, but even that is kind of nurturing in itself.

I'm trying hard to not sink into frustration over the setbacks that life gives us- A couple weeks ago I felt like howling in despair as I searched and searched for the super cute album cover with the Tim Holtz letter monogram on it I was working on and had disappeared from off my craft desk. I'm rationed to just a couple hours a week here and there spent in craf-bliss. Naptime was coming to an end, and I had spent the entire time searching instead of finishing the project. I felt like tossing everything in the garbage- why try? Why? Why bother trying to make or do anything for the next eighteen years?! I also took Julian and Caleb to their first gymnastics class and it was a real challenge for them, consequences of their early births will likely be with us for the rest of their lives. But when I want to toss everything in the green garbage container I try to take counsel in this quote from Joseph Smith's dad in a letter he wrote when his grandkids were first being born: "Above everything avoid a Melancholy Disposition, that is a humer that admits of any temptation and is capable of any impression and Distemper. Shun as death this humour, which will work you to all unthankfulness against god, unlovingness to men ...to your Selves and one another." Sometimes it doesn't always work, and it doesn't always work even after I try again, but I still try to try ;) Because that's what we're supposed to do when at first we don't succeed, right?
Also, just a random p.s. Since I don't post as much as I used to I just wanted to add some photos of my Project 365 book. I finally finished it and gave it to Ian for Christmas. He loves it, I'm really glad that I wound up going digital with it. I got the hardcover book published on www.blurb.com and they are awesome. It's so wonderful to have a chronicle of our first year with four kids. It had its hardships, I laugh at the photos of us crawling in through the back door of our car to lift the two infant seats over the back, but overall it was absolutely amazing.

How do you know if you're Crazy?

2009-12-15T08:51:00.000-08:00

Isabel makes my life easy in so many ways- I can go to Costco and Target by myself and doctor and dentist appointments are no problem. In some ways my life is easier than people who have less kids but no child care because I don't have to worry about bringing my kids along or dropping them with a friend. But recently Ian and I decided we needed to cut back Isabel's days. His company has told everyone not to expect raises or bonuses next year, and sometimes I've caught myself feeling like Isabel is a bit of a luxury and maybe not quite as much of a necessity as she was a year ago. A lot of people are cutting back on their child care, so I've (hopefully) found someone to do a nanny share and pick up two of her four days that we have her. But I was worried about one of my favorite things about having Isabel- I can take my kids to Disneyland.
Since we live in Southern California we can get the Disneyland annual passes and I've taken Caleb and Julian about once a month or once every couple of weeks for half a day at a time while Isabel watches Jack and Christian at home. Caleb and Julian have hit a stage of life where if they get out of supervised eyeline for even a minute, you can be sure they're doing something destructive. Like squirting liquid dish detergent all over the Christmas tree, or putting on an apron, pretending to be a chef, and dumping an entire Costco size bottle of olive oil into the waffle batter, or hiding in the closet, pushing against the sliding door, and breaking the $500 door size mirror that covered the door. And don't get me started on the carpet and walls. They don't really mean to be naughty, they're always very sorry and really they're just trying to play and satisfy their curiosity about the world but in the process they are completely trashing our home. Disneyland is wonderful because it's about a 45 minute drive out there, and they always travel well because they're so excited to be going, and once they're there they can run around and ride on rides and there's always something to see that we haven't yet and basically they're in heaven. Just looking around tires them out. It activates their imagination and gets them telling me stories about the different characters, yes, it's one of the wonderful things about living here.

So since we have less Isabel and I want her focusing on more of the housekeeping tasks, I decided that it's just time for me to be brave and try going to Disneyland on my own with my four kids. I've watched one of my friends in particular bring her three kids places that I think would be impossible and it's gotten me thinking about where my limits really are. So many people think I'm crazy even to just take my four out for a walk, and have told me so to my face. But it's really not that bad. There's such a trend to encourage us not to exhaust ourselves, an emphasis on the importance of finding 'me time' and how things should be easier than they are in reality. I think about everything our pioneer ancestors did- their limitations were definitely in a different place then mine. And for some reason I think it often makes me feel more stressed out than relaxed when I hear people telling me to take it easy all the time. I decided to put my crazy plan into practice and give Disneyland a try, enlisting the help of two of my friends who also have a stomach for adventure a la mommy variety. So we found ourselves as 3 adults with nine children- a 4 year old, three 3year olds, a 2 1/2er, and four babies all going to Disneyland one Wednesday afternoon.
The night before I was so nervous I couldn't sleep. What if all my kids melted down at once? What if someone fell out of the stroller and we had to call an ambulance? What if I collapsed while carrying Jack and Christian at the same time? Would my children be scarred for life? But the alternative also scared me- not only do my kids need something to do for part of the day, but it's also kind of sad and lonely to be at home by myself day after day while the rest of the world is out there... living. And I knew I had nothing to lose, if we couldn't make it out of the parking lot, we'd just pack up and drive home. Even the ride would be getting the kids out of the house for awhile.
So the next day I packed a ton of snacks, changed Jack and Christian's diapers while praying they didn't poo before we got home, loaded the quad stroller, secured all four car seats, took a deep breath, and got on the freeway.

Well, all I can say is that we had a total blast. It exceeded my best expectations. It helped that our kids know each other well and loved playing together while we waited in line. It also helped that there were three moms to shepherd the children, doing it alone would have been very difficult. It also helped that because Caleb has a cast right now we got a Handicap pass, and even though sometimes it didn't save a lot of time, it was really nice to just stand in one place, keeping babies in a stroller, instead of herding our kids through a line. The whole park was dolled up for Christmas, the Small World ride was amazing and overall it was just really, really fun. We got a lot of stares and 'wow, you're crazy' from the staff, but really, I didn't mind. I'm glad that I didn't let that crazy line make me stay home and miss one of the best days of our month so far.
I think that motherhood is a lot about finding where the limits are- in patience, kindness, physical energy, they're constantly being tested and expanded on a daily basis. Who knows where the boundaries really are? On the other hand, I don't want to push my luck. Let's just say that DisneyWorld on my own... now that's definitely not happening. ;)

An amazing baby story

2009-11-27T16:29:00.000-08:00

Wow, this is such an amazing story from my sister in law Charla, especially appropriate for this Thanksgiving time. Please read!

Running the River- a New Year's Resolution that actually got achieved

2009-11-18T09:26:00.000-08:00

Ian ran his first marathon over the weekend! He ran up in Sacramento's Run the River marathon whose trail sidles up along the American River. It was a gorgeous time of year to run with all the fall foliage out. If you knew his exercise habits over the last six years since we moved to LA, and before, you'd know that this was a really huge accomplishment for him. We are so proud of him!! It wasn't always easy to get in all of his training sessions, and it's a miracle he was able to do the marathon, but somehow he managed to pull off the whole 26.53 miles! Yeay! I can't believe he actually did his New Year's Resolution...

Last Christmas/New Year's Ian and I were relaxing with his family and my family over the break. Ian read Michael Pollard's Omnivore's Dilemma and was so inspired to make some changes in our food choices that we set a goal to start eating local produce. Eating healthier also inspired him to make some changes in his exercise routine, and he decided to work towards something... say a marathon perhaps. Actually, he set the goal to run a half marathon, which was still a big goal, and the fact that he did even more is so impressive to me. I had my goal to nurse my twins exclusively for one year, and we also made a family goal to have Love at Home (this is practically our family mantra now).

When we got home because I'm a little scrapper now I made a 'goal board' that hung in our room. It was the last thing we saw each night and first thing we saw in the morning. I put everything up there except my nursing goal- I just couldn't find a photo I felt comfortable with at the time. I put up Ian's long standing goal to produce his Western. It's really great to look at it now and see that we've accomplished (almost) all the things we set out to. We've been eating out of our CSA box all year, learning how to cook comfortably with chard, cabbage and kale (finally! although we never really got okra) and loving all the fresh, seasonal, organic veggies. We're holding FHE each week, and trying to have Love at Home (that's one of those nebulous goals, I should probably choose something more specific, although I don't know what that would be- only five fights per day??). Ian is still working on producing his movie, but he's made so much progress I think we can pretty much count that one.

It's almost time to make a new goal board for next year. I'm so grateful for all the opportunities that 2009 has given us! It's been an amazing year and I feel so excited to see what we'll choose to work on next year!

My Priority is Figuring out My Priorities...

2009-11-02T20:44:00.000-08:00

One of my huge frustrations over the past few months has been that I have sooo many things that I want/need to do that I'll start on thing A, then that doesn't seem nearly as important as thing B, which then seems to pale in importance to thing C, and on it goes. My to-do list is insanely long, but I just haven't been able to figure out what to cut back because everything seems important. Some things non-urgent items have been on my list for over a year, like getting a new ironing board. At the top of my list are doctor's visits, these are my big time sucker. Since Caleb and Julian were born so heart-stoppingly early they're followed by a fleet of doctors. Some of them we only see once a year, and others we see bi-weekly. And then I've got my medium pressing items, like getting flu shots for everyone, calling about health insurance snags, getting to Costco, getting the oil changed, reading daily with my kids, paying bills, tracking expenses, unpacking the new stage of clothes, packing up the old stage of clothes, making healthy food, taking photos, organizing photos, not to mention trying to shower, spending more than 2 seconds doing my hair, working for the church from home on occasion, getting the kids some outside time, reading the news every once in a blue moon, trying to exercise, get a haircut, date nights with Ian, the occasional service project, church activity, playdate, visiting teaching, reading my scriptures, building my community, corresponding with my extended family... just thinking about it all makes my head explode.
The worst thing is when I talk to different people, different priorities are hi-lited are hi-lited: "oh, exercise makes you feel so much better and then you can be a better mom!" or "it's so important to read to your children every day! their brains are developing so much and you don't want to miss the window" and "oh I wish I took more photos of my kids when they were small, they grew up so fast and I wish I has some albums!" and "it is so important to do your hair. It affects people's whole attitude about you " and "date nights are really important to your marriage when you have young children, even just a couple times a month are vital" and "you can't afford not to get a flu shot! We can't have you down for a few days" and "even when you're really busy, it's so important to serve others".
I hate feeling frustrated that I can't get to everything, and the last thing that I want to sacrifice as a mom is my temperament. Crabby moms are often doing too much... but it doesn't seem like they have a choice! I brought up my frustrations at a recent Parents of Multiples meeting. On tap was a psychologist who specializes in the stresses of having twins. I was hoping that someone would have tips about how to multi-task or use their time really, really effectively. Au contraire, this lady said that most twin moms seem to be A-type personalities (why is it that we always hear about the A-types... I'd like to hear the B-types or C-types or G-types pipe in every once in awhile...) with these really long list of goals and things we want to do (ahem) and we have to accept that fact that we are only going to be able to get a few of these goals done. Maybe per year. Period. End of story.
For about two seconds I resisted the notion that I had to cut down on my list. But I was too tired to really resist and before I knew it I started letting things go... I still have goals, it's just that I cut back on how much I do them. I only bring out my camera a couple times a week now, I've cut waaay back on scrapbooking, which meant that I had to say good-bye to my Project 365 (I had done it for a year though, I just stopped being insane enough to want to do it for a second year). I style my hair once a month, I only exercise a few minutes here and there, and despite what doctors tell me, I've cut back on how much we see them. I feel bad admitting that I'm so OK with these teensy goals, but for the first time in years my guilt and frustrations have melted away.
Somehow we had a really great Hallowe'en month this year. We missed two fun parties, my hair was super wacky, I had to postpone some doctors appointments, and as you can see I haven't blogged in forever, but I FEEL awesome. When a doctor's appointment ended really early I hadn't stacked my schedule like usual so with our free time we hit the Beverly Hills library and found wonderful Halloween books that set the tone for the whole Halloween month. We planned ahead to go to the pumpkin patch on a free Saturday and didn't schedule anything else that day. I found out about a trick or treat event at a retirement home just a few blocks from us and met up with a bunch of friends for a service project with our kids. Ian took a day off work and we hit Disneyland to check out the decorations, which were awesome, and we enjoyed our family day. And on the 31st it just felt easier to go trick or treating in our neighborhood instead of trunk or treating and Ian and I even dressed up for the first time in years at the request of our kids. (Caleb asked me if I could be Snow White) We met awesome neighbors and the boys had a blast trick or treating. I'm not exactly sure how I did all that, but I know that it had something to do with cutting down my expectations and enjoying my time with my kids. I've decided that whoever says you can do it all is only lying a little. I guess I can do it all, as long as my list only has a couple things on it.

the DIY movement, Puente style

2009-09-24T15:25:00.000-07:00

I love having our nanny, Isabel, help me out four days a week. I've just got too many doctor's visits and safety issues to cut her back, but having full-time help isn't something many families on one income do because it definitely comes at a cost. Over the past year I've been looking at creative ways to save money and have come up with quite a list of crazy things that somehow 'work' for our situation. All of them are a bit of a hassle, but save quite a bit overall because I went for high expenses and quick substitutes.

For example, I had my goal to nurse for one year which I did (and am still doing!) I made my goal and never bought formula! I also don't buy baby food (well, maybe once or twice and we went through it before you could blink), but make everything the babies eat. It would be quite a hassle to chop and cut those fruits and veggies for just one baby, but somehow it seems easy (did I say easy? easiER) to make food for two and the savings add up. I also use old cloth diapers every now and then for about a week. We never hire sitters, but instead do sitter-swaps with friends. For dates we've been going on bike rides and walks and getting movie tickets from Costco. I've made our own yogurt for the babies and as a buttermilk substitute in pancakes and waffles, Ian makes our syrup and for the past few months and I recently went through my closet and started making a few repairs and accessory purchases rather than buying a new post-preggers wardrobe. I'm surprised that once I got it out of my head to solve problems by making a purchase, the world of funky DIY has opened to me. I always see if I can make it myself, recycle something, or use craigslist.
SO, the newest thing I have to add to the list is studio photos. I love having recent, nice photos of my kids and our family. A couple weeks ago I realized I could save on ever paying for a photographer again if I just learned how to use the Nikon D80 camera Ian got me for my birthday awhile back. Then I wouldn't have to make appointments and drive out somewhere and risk multiple meltdowns! I found an online class, which was perfect for me because I didn't have to be anywhere, by Maggie Holmes, a famous scrapbooker and professional photographer. The class was a bit of an investment, but it was equal to or way less than the cost of a location family shoot so I feel like I came out ahead. I just did my first family photo swap too. I took photos for our friends the Taylors and then Justin, who also recently took a photography class, took photos of us. We all came out with so many good shots. I thought they turned out well and look forward to doing another one. I'll try to post more later.

I also finally learned how to use my camera. Let's just say it's embarrassing how little I knew about it. I'm still perfecting a few things, like focus, but I got to practice a lot on my kids and when they got sick of that, on friends in the area. Here are some other shots. I have learned a ton and loved every minute of it! I'll try to post more later, I have quite a few good ones!

Now if I can only figure out how to get myself ready with hair done and makeup on before 7pm at night... wonder if there's a DIY solution for that.

the Bermuda Triangle

2009-09-10T23:34:00.000-07:00

I just want you to know that it's so not you. It's me.

You are perfection itself.

Designed by Malia Mills, whose swimsuits typically run for hundreds of dollars, you just happened to be part of a special refined casual line Malie created for the affordable Martin + Osa. As if that wasn't too good to be true, you were on sale. I was incredibly lucky to snap you up. Our love affair began the first time I tried you on. You were a mix of fabrics that made me feel amazing and look about as good as I can possibly look in a swimsuit, except better. That one time I wore you was the most comfortable and relaxed swimsuit experience of my life. In fact I think it's my first public swimsuit experience in about six years. I still remember how odd it felt that I loved being in a bathing suit.

So I don't want you to take it personally. The thing is, before I had kids, I didn't understand it myself. If, say, a certain three year old had gotten into the glitter stash and dumped glitter all over his bed, his room, the bathroom, and the kitchen table, I would have listened politely as his mom moaned about spending hours vacuuming, wiping, shaking sheets, pillowcases and duvets over an apartment building balcony like they did in the 30s before rinsing out all linens and children involved in the disaster, only to find the glitter was still all over her house, including her tupperware and her toilet paper and her teeth. All the while I would have wondered privately why she didn't just put her glitter in a safer place. Probably everyone else who is not a mom of three year olds currently, or was a mom to a three year old within the past couple years before the amnesia sets in, would have wondered right along with me. Most of those not included in this category would have nodded in sympathy.
And, while we're making confessions, I should also mention my cell phone has been in my physical possession only four days in the past sixty, and my day planner/wallet is flattened because it got run over a couple times after I left it on top of my van and then drove away. A sharp turn on Sepulveda and Santa Monica left it for roadkill. Miraculously, my angels saw fit to have a very kind, complete stranger rescue it at great peril to his life and get in touch with me by calling the phone number on the last scrap of paper in there, which happened to be to the physical therapy office I frequent. Even more miraculously, everything important in there remained intact. Hundreds of other items are being pulled away by that special force that is turning my life upside down right now, including earrings, toothbrushes, necklaces, one of the diamonds in my brand new replacement-wedding-ring...

The weird thing is that somehow, in the past couple months, all the things that I really need are still here. My children, my health, my husband, my ATM cards, but anything that is one step removed seems to be fair game. So I wasn't surprised that you completely disappeared one day. I have my theories... but honestly there is no clear answer to what happened to you. Despite the fact that I turned every nook and cranny in my home upside down looking for you, it's been weeks and I know in my heart that you have left me, taken by the force that makes my crazy.

So wherever you are, I just want you to know that I still think about you every day. I miss you. Ours was a match made in heaven, and a separation from more than just little hands or my own forgetfulness; it's my own personal Bermuda Triangle.

Dramedic Cake Adventures

2009-08-23T15:34:00.000-07:00

This is the cake that I wanted to make Jack and Christian for their first Birthday. It's from a Martha Stewart Baby magazine I bought like 9 years ago.

Sailboat Cake- This glossy sea of dreams is made to delight even the most land-locked little boy. Fluffy icing, tinted the gentlest blue, is scalloped into waves around the sides of a chocolate cake that's swimming with fish cookies. A homemade paper sailboat crests the frothy waves of the cake's surface

Caitlin Flanagan hit the nail on the head when she said, "I fall mute and wondering at the pages of Martha Stewart Living."

If grown women had a fairy tale book, it would be Martha Stewart Omnimedia. Suspended in time and space on glossy magazine pages these images whisper of a beautiful world where fluffy icing is scalloped into waves swimming with fish cookies. But reading the instructions is a jolt of cold water into reality. Flanagan continues, "Much of the Stewart enterprise, of course, involves a certain level of fantasy and wish fulfillment, having to do not only with the old dreams of wealth and elegance but also with the new one of time. That many of Stewart's projects are time-consuming is in fact part of their appeal... " These projects always call for something obscure, and when the creations do appear in real life, the response is often along the lines of- why the heck did you spend so much time making that? I once handed these very Marthaesque invitations I had made out to a group of friends, and the first thing that one girl (who I didn't know very well by the way but was trying to be inclusive so she got one too) said was, verbatim, "Wow. You have waaay too much time on your hands."

The joy-killers are right. These projects do take an insane amount of time, especially when one has two sets of twins and the project they have settled on calls for four separate recipes involving a frosting tip and piping bag, blue and white sanding sugar, a candy thermometer, an inverted spatula, cake comb, meringue powder, good quality cocoa, and another set of instructions for an origami paper boat with a bamboo skewer. Honestly.

Flanagan says that people appreciate what MS does but nobody actually does it themselves! Nobody except.. well... dreamy quacks like me. A couple times a year I have to dive into one because I LOVE the magic quality that these time-consumers kick out (if you don't know what I'm talking about, go to Disneyland. Creating that fantastic hyper-reality keeps an army of gardeners/repair people busy. But they, of course, get paid for it.) Not that my kids receiving the cake appreciate it, my husband points out. That's true, and unfortunately our child care responsibilities are so demanding that any project I take on he has to shoulder too. I know they're turning ONE, not three, and they're not going to remember a lick of this. But still... I just have to make a Martha Stewart sailboat cake for them. Something inside of me, that sighing, romantic inner me propels me forward, especially after reading this pitch penned by MS staffers: "take a moment to recall your own childhood birthdays. Ask around and you'll discover that for most people, it is not the guests, the place or even the presents that are remembered, but rather the birthday cake. Made by a grandmother, aunt, or parent, a special cake is well worth the effort... it will foster memories that linger for years..." Wow, super syrupy and probably about as true as a happily ever after ending, but I want to believe that the magic and love of a fancy cake will lift someone. Jack and Christian only have their first birthday ONCE IN THEIR LIFE, and I wanted it to be memorable, even if they couldn't remember it. So as irrational as it was, there's no way anyone could talk me down from the ledge.

First stop is the well-stocked Ralph's supermarket, but unfortunately, I discover that sanding sugar, meringue powder, cake combs and inverted spatulas are not to be found. As I'm searching, Caleb and Julian put the entire contents of the baking aisle inside my cart. Sorry Ralph's worker who had to sort out the huge pile of chocolate pudding, lime jello, organic rice flour and peach cups I stacked on top of the bagged kidney beans as I got the heck out of Dodge.

LA is surprisingly very non-craft friendly, even the Michael's in Santa Monica is pretty lame, although they do have cake combs and frosting supplies. Locating a sanding sugar outlet=an errand for Ian. I've already spent about five times what it would have taken to make a sheet cake and I haven't even turned on my oven. A less tenacious mother of two sets of twins would have called it a day, but unfortunately, I am extremely stubborn.

The next day I made the origami sailboats, and the next day I made the sugar cookie dough, with my two little helpers, and the next day, which was the day before the party, I cut the dough into fish shapes using a paring knife and which TAKES FOREVER!! Dealing with sugar cookies is such a mess because it sticks to every surface, even when I use tons of flour, and the dough keeps tearing around the edges when I try to cut it into shapes. Getting through all the dough really took a long time. I'd like to see these frustration photos in MS.

Flanagan said Stewart presents a vision of domesticity that involves as much make-believe as practicality, that is filled with allure and prettiness rather than the drudgery and exhaustion of which we are all so wary...

She's so right about the vision presentation devoid of drudgery. Cutting the cookies was drudgery, and so was shuttling the cookie sheets around to get them all baked, but frosting them was outright tricky. The royal icing, made of meringue powder, didn't want to adhere itself in straight, clean lines like Martha's fish cookies, but got smeary around the edges, and we can't have that magical look happening if the edges are smeary. Plus, my helpers wanted to be involved, so of course, my patience got tested beyond excruciating as they glopped icing on the table and constantly tried to eat it. Although I have to say, overall, they're very sweet and I am trying to keep the experience fun so I couldn't get too mad. After a few deep breaths I finally realized they were perfect sanded-sugar-sprinklers.

After the kiddos went to bed I got to work on the cake batter. This particular cake is a double layer square, and I didn't have two 8 in. square cake pans, of course, nor thought I would ever need a second square cake pan again in my life, so I opted to bake each layer one at a time. The problem was that I guessed way too low when I filled the first pan and wound up cooking too much in the second. It was very late, and after baking the second pan 40 min. longer than the longest recommended time, it still wasn't done so I slid it back in the oven and lay down. The next thing I knew it was 2am and the smell of something burning had roused Ian from a deep sleep. He rushed to save us all from death, which meant he didn't get up for his marathon-training run, which meant that he had to go in the evening instead, which made us all grumpy... this cake was really getting on everyone's nerves.

Despite the fact that I was way more organized that I usually am, there was so much to do the morning of when I looked at the clock as I pulled out the replacement layer, inexplicably there was only one hour before the party was supposed to start. I made the icing that required the candy thermometer, and it got stiff so fast I didn't have time to use the inverted spatula, so in a frantic scramble I just started throwing icing onto the cake with my bare hands. At one point Caleb came up to me and forgot what he was going to say when he looked at me. My eyes were wild, I had icing smeared all over me and I looked like clawwoman because my hands were three times their normal size.

Somehow I managed to comb the cake and stick on the fish cookies and slap on the sailboats. My icing wasn't quite as pliable as I think it was supposed to be, so it wasn't perfect (aargh!) but it looked pretty good.

It was ten minutes to go time and we still had to set everything up. Ian, who had been picking up balloons and tables all morning was begging me to get outside, but I still had to change out of being clawwoman. I told him that everyone is usually late and there was still time; I can't count how many parties we've done over the years where the first guest shows up 30 min. after start time. Except today. Saturday, August 22 wound up being so jam packed with other events that our first guest got there on the dot and two others arrived within five minutes. Everyone was very helpful though, which was perfect because I was frantically able to get it all assembled. But everyone also had to leave early, and so when cake time rolled around there were only about five people left, which was perfect irony. But it was also very nice because the moment was low key, relaxed, and maybe, just maybe, a little bit magical (despite the fact the fish were trying to take off).

Jack and Christian 'played' with their baby friends, and we also pulled out the parachute. The parents got underneath it in a parachute house for a minute with the kids, whose faces were squiggly with delight.

All in all it was a fun party, and a big thanks to everyone who celebrated Jack and Christian's special day with us. They're one! I never thought we'd make it through this year, but somehow we did with enough energy to spend a week making a cake. I'm still working on finding the balance between putting in a lot of effort into something special and finding magic on the fly. While we cleaned up, Ian told me that the cake looked really great. But later, the next day, he asked me if I could make a sheet cake next year. One last Flanagan quote came to mind:
"The Stewart fantasy encompasses the feminine interest in formal weddings and gracious entertaining, but principally—and more powerfully—it turns on a wistful and almost shameful attraction to ironing boards and newly washed crockery and (crazy-insane cake experiences). And on this wan longing, Stewart has built an empire."
I said I'd think about it. It doesn't hurt to indulge the wan longing once a year, does it?

Guess which babies are going to be on Courteney Cox's TV show?

2009-08-11T09:22:00.001-07:00

A few weeks ago I was chatting with a mom from my twins group WLAPOM (West LA Parents of Multiples or "Oui La Pomme" as Ian calls it, which, coincidentally is French for "yes, the apple"). This mom told me that twins are very desirable for television work, even if they're not identical. She should know, because her kids booked multiple episodes on a show and they're a boy and a girl. I've never been very attracted to the idea of hauling my kids around to sit and wait at an audition, surrounded by hundreds of other hopeful moms about to get their dreams crushed, but when she told me that she's never done an audition AND all the money they made was set aside for college funds, I decided it wouldn't hurt to check it out.
Several weeks later out of the blue the agent called. Jack and Christian had been selected to attend a "paid interview" for Courteney Cox's series (in it's second season) Cougar Town. They wanted to talk to the moms to see how we were to work with, and the agent's assistant recommended bringing Baby Einstein toys for them to play with so they'd be fun and interactive. Three sets of twins were being interviewed and two sets would be selected to be on multiple episodes so the odds of getting picked were pretty good.
Oh. Ok. I hung up and wasn't exactly sure what my response should be. I chose: I'm not going to make a big deal about this. But then I wasn't sure. Shouldn't I at least try a little to have them get chosen? I vacillated between grilling myself on possible questions and what my responses should be (mental notes went something like this: make sure to tell them the boys were on a USC student film and they LOVED being on set, as did I!! Everyone was thrilled to work with us!!!!) and debating about whether I should give the boys a bath that day because I didn't want to look like I was trying too hard. In the process, I was, of course, making a big deal about it.
When Monday rolled around I had a lot to do! I had to drive out to Van Nuys to the Board of Labor building (which is now closed the 1st, 2nd and 3rd Fridays of the month to cut the state budget deficit) and show the uncaring lady at the desk the kids' birth certificates so she could do up work permits. (It's for TV, whoopdee do she eye-rolled). While we waited I overheard batches of moms with sullen, extra-groomed kids in tow talking about how 'their agents should have faxed it in' and 'you promise it will be ready today? And what's your name?' I had to get Ian to run to the bank on the studio lot and set up a required Coogan account so our kids wouldn't be like little Jackie Coogan whose parents blew his millions and left him penniless when he grew out of his child stardom. Because after all, they could be making millions too. They could!
When we got home I bathed the babies, and then I thought about trying to trim Jack's hair so it would be the same length as Christian's. Ian told me that was way too much, so I tried to get his hair a little more curly so it would at least match more. (We were asked to dress them in matching clothes, but it wasn't necessary). I realized that I had a couple perfectly adequate matching outfits, but they were stained or shrunken a bit and I wanted my kids to look amazing for their first TV opportunity that would be the start of it all!
I rushed to the mall and bought super cute long sleeved shirts and matching overalls with a dog made of buttons on the front (it's for an interview for a TV show! I told the sales clerk. she nodded knowingly). The outfits cost more than the babies were making that day, but I didn't care. I had completely thrown my 'don't make it a big deal' strategy out the window because this had become a VERY BIG HUGE FREAKING DEAL. I hurried back, woke Christian up, dressed them both and headed over to Culver City for 'the interview,' my heart pounding and my palms greasy.
I pulled up to a huge set with hundreds of people milling about. The security guard pointed me to the 2nd Assistant Director. My guess is that she's in her very late thirties, but she looked much older. She was boney and her face was lined with stress wrinkles from a decade of running around on production sets. She smiled tightly and pointed me over to a grassy lawn where two women who were dressed alike held twin boys, also dressed alike. They were standing downwind from a grill that was churning out tons of smoke as it fed the masses seated under shade tents nearby. Somehow I had envisioned an air-conditioned room with couches and more attentive handlers. The other babies were dressed in well worn clothes, they were not wearing brand new outfits. This was not going according to plan. Then two other women, each holding identically matched baby boys, also in casual, well worn clothes, showed up on the lawn. As I was putting Jack and Christian in their stroller, the 2nd AD and another lady walked by and glanced at them, then headed over to the other moms on the lawn. I grabbed some wipes and scrubbed the babies' faces. As I walked up to the lawn the 2nd AD was asking the other moms if they could come tomorrow at 11 and 1:30pm. The other babies were pretty cute, and smaller than Jack and Christian, but my kids were definitely cuter. Let's get this started, I thought. Then I heard the 2nd AD say, OK, you guys can pack it up.
I haven't exchanged a single word with anyone yet, I thought. Must be some mistake. The other moms and I stood around and chatted for awhile and waited some more, they all told me they thought I was so brave to come alone... I was really wishing I had brought someone else with me so I'd be a little more together.
Then another lady told us, very loudly, we were done and it was time to pack it up and they'd give us a call with their decision. But they didn't hold my babies, I told her. They saw everyone and made a decision. We'll give you a call, she said.
WHAT?!? That was IT?? I hadn't even talked to anyone. Had anyone actually gotten a good look at my kids? So that glance back by my car? THAT was 'the interview.' And as I realized that the 2nd AD hadn't directed her question about showing up the next day to me...
In my mind, I know that this process is like going to the hardware store and looking for a particular size of screw- and Jack and Christian were not the 'size' or whatever you want to call it, that they needed for this show. The screws that don't get picked don't get mad or feel screwed, ;), they realize they weren't the right size, fill out their forms, and go home to set the table and check their email. In my mind I know this, but to my surprise, a huge sob was demanding to be released from my throat.
I never did get a call, and as the irksome silence sent me into a tailspin, I realized I had done a TERRIBLE job of making the whole thing no big deal. I can't believe I was thinking about trimming Jack's hair!! And I felt like the world's biggest dork for buying brand new outfits and making up question answers in my head. Oh dear, oh dear, my propensity to go the extra mile is good for some things, but definitely not for this.
As I started to drive myself crazy by replaying 'the glance' in my mind (if only I had someone else with me to hold the babies so they weren't in their stroller practically on the road, or if I hadn't been by my dirty car which I should have washed!) I realized how much I love being the one that gets picked and have exciting things happen to me. Don't we all. And I realized that there probably wasn't anything differently I could have done. I tried my hardest, I did my best, (to a fault?) and sometimes, or maybe most of the time, you just don't get picked. Living in Los Angeles means we're close to having exciting things happen, but in some ways we're just as far away as someone living in Nebraska. So. Ian and I both decided it would be best for our family if we didn't go out on anymore 'interviews'. It's just not a good fit for me.
As we joked around with the boys, and I put the babies down for the night and chatted with Ian, I savored our time together. While it wasn't my first choice, I'm glad that I don't have to worry about running my kids around, leaving Caleb and Julian at home, and being immersed in the child actor milieu on a bustling, crazy set on a show about divorced women getting it on. As the day revealed, even as I tried to be sensible, I shot all the way over to one extreme on the balance beam with such speed that I frightened myself. And for what? I thought, I'm really happy here, in my living room, with my kids and my husband. And this is where the universe wants me right now.
So yeah, some baby boys around 11months old are going to be on Cougar Town, but not mine. And the first chance I got, I returned the outfits. Figured I may as well save the money for the kids' college fund ;)

Our Week is a Complete Blur

2009-08-01T11:14:00.000-07:00

I get asked a lot when my kids started walking, talking, getting their teeth in, etc. and I have no idea at all, which is incredibly embarrassing. I'm their mom and I have no recollection of them ever crawling or learning to walk! I was doing my Project 365 pages today and staring at a photo of us at Pioneer Day, thinking about how it was an awfully, awfully long time ago, a month or two at least, until I realized it was LAST SATURDAY!!
I know that we've got a lot going on and it's not important to be able to say exactly when my kids did this or that, but I do want to remember these precious moments that are fleeing faster than I can say 'it's going to be over before you know it!' (I get told that so very often it feels like my mantra! But it's frighteningly true!) When my kids start asking me to tell them stories of what they were like when they were a baby, I want to have a good selection of little slices of life to share, not a complete blank.
Scrapbooking projects have been my salvation for remembering/recording information now. I've gone a little overboard, bringing my camera everywhere and taking photos every time we go to the park, but I like that I have photos of my kids pulling themselves up, just goofing with their dad who they absolutely adore, laughing together when they run around in the kitchen and being with cousins, grandparents, etc. (of course, it would be awesome if someone took photos of me too, but that's another story...)
Making an album for my mom for her birthday was one of my funnest and surprisingly simplest projects ever since I had so many photos to work with. I loved playing with all sorts of snapshots of her and the boys, my siblings with the boys and just the boys on their own. It's fun to see how much life and laughter she brings out in them, and how very much they enjoy her. I used my Bind-it-all to slap the thing together, and the Sunshine line from Cosmo Cricket and that was just about everything.

I remember feeling so intimidated when I first started photo-scrapping almost a year ago, like I had no idea what I was doing or where to even start. I NEVER would have thought I could put an album together, or known how simple it was. I'm so glad I persisted. In the future when my memory of today is a blur, I'll just pull out one of the albums I'm working on now and tell my dear boys (with the helpful journaling tags, of course) just how amazing they were when they were little, and how that little piece of amazing will always be with them, growing just like they are.

Living in the Wow

2009-07-26T15:19:00.000-07:00

When we went on our very first big family outing as a family of six, I was really anxious about making sure we were prepared for anything- nursing cape? check. Peek-a-boobie nursing shirt? check. Wipes, hats, snacks, sunscreen, enough burp cloths to make a quilt, and outfit changes for everyone. Somehow four size 2 diapers weren't enough but because I brought size 5s for the big boys we were covered (literally), but one surprise I never even conceived of preparing for was all the attention that we would get. From the minute we stepped out of our car and cracked open the Hummer Quad stroller I was taken aback by all the eyes on us. I don't want to make it sound like the music stopped playing and little kids dropped their cotton candy as we strolled by, BUT it did seem like everywhere we went that day at the pumpkin patch the crowd parted and I could hear 'TWO SETS OF TWINS' floating around us in whispers. The attention was new experience and felt very strange to me. It's the kind of rubbernecker attention that occurs when something is so freakishly fascinating you can't drag your eyes away. Yep, I guess that's how people saw us, freakishly fascinating.

And so it began... Most of the time when we go out as a six pack people will notice one of our kids, and then they'll notice another one, but wait, there's more... and then their eyes start darting furtively and the calculations wheels whir, they approach and are about to speak, but then they're unsure so they look again (because what are the odds?), but yes those kids ARE the same age, and then quite as if they can't help themselves: "Do you have TWO SETS OF TWINS?" and I say "Yeah, we do" and then they almost always simply say: "WOW."

And then there's a beat, this absorbing silence descends while the questioner skips a blink as they swallow the shock of it. Often they look at me with alarm, like they're wondering if I might need them to run to the nearest fire extinguisher and break open the glass because it feels like some sort of emergency. Even parents who have twins are floored, them especially because they have a better idea of what that's like. Often these parents grab their faces, groan, and look a little whoozy. So after the little pause I feel like I have to respond in some way, since it's not like they just asked me what time it is and now they know and can be on their merry way. "Excuse me, do you know why these children all seem about the same age? Oh, two sets of twins? Oh, OK, thanks!" No. They're quietly freaking out for me and they can't leave and I have to do something with them.

Sometimes I can anticipate the silence so I just kind of keep walking, "yep, two sets of twins, yep, bye!" as their mouths gape after me, willing me to stop but also willing me to hurry away with my brood at the same time. One time a lady driving by in a Lexus who saw us out for a walk screeched on her brakes and hurriedly lowered her window "DO YOU HAVE TWO SETS OF TWINS?!?!?" she shouted. "Yes, we do" said Ian, who's always more friendly than I am with the TSOTers (that's what I've nicknamed those people, or the event, getting TSOT'ed is what I call it, as in "I got TSOT'ed three times at Ralph's today" or "a TSOTer told me to be sure to brush and floss the kids' teeth"). We tried to keep walking away from this especially flabbergasted TSOTer, but she kept staring at us until three cars were piled behind her and they started honking but still she stared and stared until we sort of crouched behind a bush, which was pretty hard with our Hummer Quad.

Besides high-tailing the heck out of there, sometimes, especially at first, after the silence I'd duck my head and get a bit apologetic- "yeah, it's reeeeeeally CRAZY, we SURVIVE... SOMEhow" I'm not exactly sure why I feel apologizey- because I'm contributing to population increase? or I'm actually out and about having a decentish time instead of shuttering everyone at home, pulling my hair out and running around like a nervous wreck* (*this does happen too)? or because I'm interrupting their day with my circus? or because I wound up getting knocked up twice with twins? Since lightening never strikes twice it seems like I could have done something to prevent it. It's hard to explain that it wasn't our fault we had to resort to expensive and emotionally taxing fertility treatments that are completely unreliable for getting the desired singleton pregnancy. The iota of control we had there was less than zero. I swear.

Also, is it really that big a deal? Everybody knows Jon+Kate and Octomom, and sometimes I feel like I'm tripping over twins that are out and about. But I must admit, the odds of TWO sets of twins/multiples is still rare. My West LA Parents of Multiples group has 500+ members in it, practically all the twins in West LA are in that group and not another 2x2 (except I guess one other lady that no one's met). So I know it's definitely not something you see very often, but it's my everyday reality so I feel justified in getting a bit huffy with the TSOTers. One time when we were at Disneyland on one of the five days of the year it poured rain and we all had to pay the price of a kidney for ponchos, we were waiting in line and about five people TSOTed me. I was in a really bad mood so I completely ignored them, even though some asked really nicely. A persistent lady kept at it until I just stared at her, very hard, and then deliberately looked away. It was hands down the dirtiest look I've ever given anyone in my life, but it got me some peace and quiet.

Disneyland's a ghostown and still we get TSOTed

When I have one or two kids with me I get more chill passing comments like "Twins! You've got your hands full!" or "I bet you're busy!" Those people live in an ignorance I have no desire to correct them of. In fact, sometimes I try to hide one of the babies under a blanket or behind my back when I see some of the darting eyes right before the calculation wheels whir so we won't get TSOTed. My heart just sinks when I see the eyes pop because I know I'm too late. I never, EVER willingly tell them I'm a 2x2. I find myself telling little white lies like, 'oh yes, these two keep me running around!" I try to dodge TSOTing because I don't like getting into the post questions: "do you have help?" "do twins run in your family?" "are they all boys? You going to try for a girl?" "how far apart are the younger and older ones?" "how do you possibly manage?" Sometimes I feel like I need to reassure them, especially the ones that have already started looking around for the fire extinguisher. It's actually not that bad... No, we're not living in the loony bin... Yes my husband is a rockstar because he helps me a lot, no our twins don't speak a secret language, yes they do look alike, no we don't have a reality show...

Since our first outing last year it hasn't let up. I think it may peter down after we lose the stroller, but there's a chance we may get it the rest of our lives. I am starting to accept the fact that I will hear 'oh you're the lady with the two sets of twins,' after I meet someone for the first time. And overall, I think I'm finally getting used to it. I don't like the fact that TSOTing brings out my irritable side, but it's an opportunity to tame it. While part of me wants to say "go awaay!" or to the people who say "I could never do that!" I'd say "yes, it's very difficult but we all have challenges and if the universe puts us in a position where we have to do something we usually find a way to do it". I knew I'd turned a corner when I simply responded like this yesterday:

"Yes, they are. We are very, very lucky."

At least no one started looking around for the fire alarm. ;)

Endless partying during Birthday Week!

2009-07-18T10:54:00.000-07:00

The best place to celebrate Caleb and Julian's birthday is up in Canada because July 1st is also Canada Day! Although the fireworks didn't hit until well after 11pm when it FINAlly gets dark up there, the festive spirit was running high all week. The boys got to blow out candles with cousin Boyd, whose birthday is just a couple days before theirs, and then their 'c-auntie' Jaima threw a pirate party for them. She had a really neat pirate water works boat with guns that shot water at people, swords, hats and shields and a 'buried treasure' cake. The cake was so good- Jaima made a layered pudding, whipping cream, and chocolate cake (so it looked like dirt). Perfect boy-party cake and I might have to make it if we ever do a dinosaur party.

I took sooo many photos while we were up there, I'm sure I bugged the heck out of everyone with my paparazzi-like compulsion. It's funny because people say they take less photos with each successive child, but I don't have a ton of photos of Caleb and Julian during their first couple years of life. I was distracted over my anxiety that they would ACTUALLY hit each stage of development that I was always trying to get them to hurry along to the next stage so I could feel a sense of relief when they got there. I was constantly obsessing over the best ways to help their development and the best food to give them (I would even make my own soup stock for the stews I made for them thinking it would help them in some small way. If you've ever made your own soup stock just for one baby food recipe you'll understand how crazy that is!!). Basically, I was a bit of a nut and didn't really enjoy their growth the way I've been able to with Jack and Christian.

I'm so much more relaxed yet much more aware of how time is passing. Now instead of worry whether they're going to continue to develop, I wish they would slow down! Every week the tide brings in so many changes and new areas of development, every month rings out little things that they're doing that they will never do again because they're growing and growing. My friend Krista (see Bimpire blog) said it well... "i guess it's a fight that nobody can win: the unbearable sweetness of tiny versus the breathtaking wonder of growth."

So my only solution is to capture it all like crazy. So I click my camera and journal and scrapbook and I know someday I'll be very glad that I did...

Canadian vay-cay

2009-07-15T21:40:00.000-07:00

I'm still recovering from our trip up to Canada even though we've been back almost a week. We had so much fun, and I need to post lots of photos of our family reunion, but I use the term 'vay-cay' loosely because anytime we're without Isabel for more than 24hours it's not too restful, and we get too ambitious. We completely forget that we now have 2x2 and think our old shenanigans are still basically doable. We planned to visit beautiful Banff for a couple days with my cousin and her hubs and their three kids, and my brother and sister agreed to come along for support. It's about a 4-5hr. drive from Edmonton, and unbeknownst to us construction in the area would make it even longer. The trip nearly fell through at the last minute as we, I, (or was it Ian?) had the utterly loon-bin idea that we could borrow some gear and camp. Luckily just as she was about to confirm our camping reservation online, my cousin Jaima had a panic attack (a shadow of what was to come if we had actually done it, I'm sure) and we decided to get a hotel instead. I'm soooo glad we did that, the very thought of packing and unpacking all of our gear, setting up a tent, lighting a fire and getting my 2x2s to sleep in a sleeping bag in the rain (oh yes, it rained) makes me want to pass out into an unconscious stupor for the rest of the month.

We left at about 9am and got ourselves to Johnston's Canyon hiking trail entry sign at around 2:30, inexplicably. An unfortunate downfall of having potty-trained children is that roadtrips require an intolerable amount of interruptions, so we resorted to the old plastic bottle to ensure we got to Banff while the sun still shone. Oh yeah, we're very high class.
Just as we were unloading it started raining. I've lived in LA for so long that the only weather gear I think kids need are flip flops and am always shocked when I get rained on. Instead of exposing their children to rain a more sane family probably would have headed straight to the hotel, or pulled out the galoshes they picked up at Target several months prior in the appropriate 'future size'. Unfortunately, I am not sane. So as Jaima and Jeff's kids (and all the other kids on the trail) walked along completely waterproofed and their little baby rode comfortably in his mini tent-backpack, our kids got loaded in the Snap N Go carseat clip-on-frame stroller with a blankie over the top and pajama bottoms on their heads.

I felt like a circus, and judging on the amount of comments we got we looked like one too. Don't get me wrong, people were very helpful and kind, far more than I'm accustomed to, but we still sort of stuck out amongst the trimly dressed granolas, like my brother John. Luckily no one was snide, because they would have gotten an earful. And in fact, while nursing in the restaurant while waiting for my brother John, who accidentally hiked off with the key to our van, when the waitress in the tea house heard I had two sets of twins she gave me two teapots of delicious apple blossom tea.
Somehow we made it through the night at the hotel to hit Lake Louise the next day. We even canoed on the lake, something I've been wanting to do for a long time. It was all so very gorgeous, and I'm glad we went and didn't let the 2x2 situation stop us. But I can't say I really recommend making all the 'improvisations' we made. The one thing I'm glad we all brought along was a good sense of humour.
I do, however, wish someone had brought some baby Vicks because all the kids seem to be sick this week.
Or a baby rain coat.