So, what are you REALLY Saying??

"If you don't understand the concerns that are fueling (outbursts), then those concerns won't get addressed and explosions will persist" Ross W. Greene

So in my pursuit of peace I'm trying to eliminate explosive outbursts from my kids (and, thus, me). Even if that's impossible, I have to try. I hate them! (the outbursts, not my kids) The basic premise of the highly recommended "Explosive Child" by Ross W. Greene is the reason an outburst occurs is that kids have a concern that isn't being addressed, and as it gets dismissed or ignored by the parent, who is trying to show the kid that they're in charge and their will must be obeyed, the frustration crescendos to out-of-control craziness. Sometimes timeouts help, but often timeouts add fuel to the fire because they even more aggressively ignore the concern. Instead of timeouts, Ross' solution is to gather information and try to get at the heart of the concern.
Using this "method" one of Greene's clients found out their kid fought about doing homework because they write slower than their ideas come out and got too frustrated. The parent was shocked; they thought their kid was just being a punk. Another found out that their kid fought with them about getting on the school bus because someone always hit them, another that their kid didn't want to turn off the video games because they didn't have any friends to play with. You'd think kids would just say this, but I think they don't know how. Some pretty powerful revelations can pop up when the "why" is discussed. Next, the parent respectfully shares their concerns ("well, I'm concerned that if you don't do your homework you're going to get further behind and won't write faster etc.") and then they work out a solution together that addresses both concerns.

As I'm trying to apply the principles of empathetically "gathering information" over an outburst or area of conflict, I've been surprised how sometimes it really does work. A few outbursts have been quelled around here with a good talk. But sometimes I just can't figure it out. Ross talks about how you really have to dig around and be patient; sometimes kids are speaking a different language.
Not surprising, they're kids. Most adults can't even communicate clearly.
For example, yesterday morning Caleb was having a cataclysmic meltdown because he wanted to watch a movie and I said no. He kept asking and asking and we reached outburst mode before I could blink.
So I knelt down and looked him right in the eye and asked him why he was getting so upset about not watching a movie.
His reply? "I just want to watch one right now" in a very high-pitched whine.
Aargh.... so unhelpful!! Why did he want to watch one right now? As a rule movies only come on in the afternoon for an hour during babies' naptime. He knows that. And Caleb never asks to watch movies. He can barely sit for five minutes when a movie is on.
I thought hard. That word "now" stuck with me. I thought back to what had happened that morning- nothing out of the ordinary. I thought back to what had happened yesterday. We are taking advantage of a free pre-k summer program Caleb qualifies for due to his cerebral palsy (which is very, very mild, my sister-in-law calls it "just a whiff") The summer program is great for me. I don't have to lift a finger. The bus comes right to our door to pick him up and drop him off and it lightens my load to have high energy Caleb entertained for a couple hours. Also, while I was nervous about sending him on the bus, he seemed to LOVE it. He was so excited to get downstairs and wait for it.
But when he came home yesterday he missed the naptime movie, which he normally couldn't care less about. Is that why he wanted to watch it now? It was almost time to go to school, come to think of it I had actually mentioned it in passing a few minutes before the eruption.
I took a shot in the dark- "do you not want to go to school?"
Immediately: No. Now I was asking the right question: "Why don't you want to go to school?" Caleb proceeded to tell me that it was too crowded, that he didn't like his teachers, that he didn't like being away from brother etc. etc. We talked about it and worked out a solution together. His outburst ended immediately. Instead of dragging him to timeout because he was arguing with me, we hugged.
His freak out had nothing to do with watching a movie, he was freaking out because he was overwhelmed with his school and he needed my help.
Good grief, what a heck of a lucky guess that stumbled me over in that direction! How on earth am I going to decipher what my kids concerns are each and every time outbursts occur if they say one thing and really mean something that exists in a different universe? But I'm so glad I figured it out- my little boy just doesn't have the words. He doesn't even have the ability to know he doesn't have the right words. He just has his frustration and his anxiety to communicate I'm not understanding him. If I had let him watch a movie I think he still would have been frustrated because that's not what he really wanted. I think most kids must feel like they're speaking a different language, and it's really hard for them when they can't communicate clearly; their frustrations build as they watch us get more and more irritated with them and even punish them. No wonder we get explosions. No wonder negative patterns develop. No wonder both of us wind up in tears. It breaks my heart to think of all the times my kids were trying to tell me something with all that crying and screaming- maybe all they needed to do was change their socks- and what did I do? I became a mindless barbarian, eager to maintain her deluded sense of power, swinging her babies into timeout and stomping off about how difficult THEY were, as they showered their pillows with their sorrow because they we couldn't communicate. What a heartless wench I am!
So now I just have to figure out how to pyschically decipher what they're saying in the future. So this never happens again.