Watering the Roses, not the Weeds

"When we focus on what is good and beautiful in someone, whether or not we think that they "deserve" it, the good and beautiful are strengthened merely by light of our attention" Katrina Kenison, The Gift of An Ordinary Day

When I was a new mom it seemed that the word on the downlow, the one whispered behind open palms at the playgrounds, large elm trees off sidewalks, step-aside areas away from the cash registers at Target, was, whatever you do- it's not cool to go easy on your kids when they're being bad. I've heard many cautionary tales about the mom who wouldn't discipline her child and was kicked out of playgroup, or mysteriously stopped getting calls for playdates. In public, if a child is out of control, I can almost hear people thinking, and often hear them saying: "that mom's got to come down hard on him."
I think just about everyone agrees kids need limits, but what if this way of thinking actually incentivizes negative behavior? What if giving big responses for bad behavior and few or no responses for good behavior actually incentives bad behavior? What if focusing a lot on good behavior while staying neutral and calm and un-exciting during undesirable behavior before doling out timeout is a piece of the puzzle I'm looking for to bring more peace to my home?
The basic premise of Transforming the Difficult Child, which I believe applies to both the difficult and undifficult, is that in traditional parenting kids get energized responses when they act badly; unconsciously this is desirable to them. "Most conventional parenting paradigms have it backwards: the higher payoff goes to occasions when the rules are broken, and the payoff is minimal when the child is just going along in an acceptable yet ordinary fashion."
The solution is to help kids create and nurture success by looking for times when kids are doing good things-playing quietly on their own, helping out, etc.- and verbalize those several times an hour, even once every 10min., giving focus and meaning to those beautiful quiet moments that are so ordinary. I've always tried to be positive with my kids, but never so frequently and as a means for pointing out rules that are being kept. Some of the comments can be neutral and non-judgmental, "The color you chose for your project is very bright and glittery. I see you combined the purple with some orange," and others can be positive "I see you are working hard not to bother your brother even though he pushed you. I am proud of you for not hurting him and getting back to what you were working on."
I've been trying this for a few days and I have to say the world looks a lot better. My kids do a lot of good things! I love seeing their eyes light up and their ear cock towards me to take in the positive words. I think the power here is in pointing out how following rules helps us feel good instead of just seeing rules as something bad we're always breaking.
Yesterday I asked Julian to give a sparkly red bouncy ball back to his younger brother. With a frowny face he started dragging his feet in that direction. Normally that's the point that I lose it and he runs off. But I tried out the positive talk, using the littlest thing to start: "I like the way you're walking back towards your brother, I know it's hard, but you're doing a great job" He stopped with a near-smile on his face. Even though I was about to say "hurry up please!" that look made me sputter and try to keep going, "that's great the way you're coming back this way so he can have a turn too. You're doing a good job of listening, I like to see that." He gave it back without a whimper of protest!

It seems to be the strangest thing in the world that I and other wonderful mothers can become enmeshed in negative patterns with the little people that we love so dearly. But I see how pointing out negative acts can perpetuate them, and I fear when I don't give ample attention to good things they diminish. Can I look for more ways to put a "hand on the brow" like Galway Kinnell's beautiful poem encourages:

"Sometimes it is necessary
to reteach a thing its loveliness,
to put a hand on its brow
of the flower
and retell it in words and in touch
it is lovely
until it flowers again from within, of self-blessing"
Has anyone else made a conscious effort to try this?