Something must Give-

"Finding the time to be alone with your child, giving them all your attention for an extended period of time, is one of the most difficult aspects of parenting. We must a pay price to make it happen," Ross Greene "How to Really Love Your Child"

After our trip to the Hot Chocolate Cafe, I wondered if that kind of connected morning was a fluke- maybe everyone woke up on the right side of the bed that day or had a really good breakfast. Next time we could easily wind up in FightCity or SuperBoringLand.
But so far, when I can get the right balance by staying engaged and giving the boys ownership, a magic couple of hours results. The other day Caleb and Julian, spurred by our friends' recent fishing trip, took us to the "aquarium". They caught little toys floating in basins with clothes hangers before we bounced on some beds. The next day popcorn came up in conversation; we took the lid off the popper and measured the kernels out in a tablespoon we passed around the circle so everyone had a turn. Afterwards they ate their treat in the "magic cave" before heading outside for lunch.


Making a plan ahead of time is useless; sparked by something we read in book or a conversation floating in my boys' heads the destination surprises us all that very morning. Since learning kids are often happiest at this age developing their creativity and imagination, I've felt so freed to play with simple household items and make them into whatever we want. They came up with the idea for the "fish" (random little piecey toys), the "aquariums" (plastic toy basins) and the "cave" (a spot behind the piano.) Their ownership really has resulted in happy play and less pressure for me to keep them entertained.

I'm tempted to say that I'm noticing far less outbursts, especially in one son, but I haven't been tracking that accurately so I can't say for sure. I'm tempted to say the amount of inter-sibling rivalry is going down, but that might be idealistic; all that time together may actually be making it worse. What I can say for sure is that I feel closer to my kids and I can tell they feel closer to me, and that some quiet place in my heart tells me that my kids need this right now.
In order to find time for uninterrupted play a few times a week and keep up with the business of life something had to give. As I thought about what that could be while knowing what it was, a small part of me hesitated. It felt like I've already given so much. My national daytime Emmy sits on top of the piano collecting dust. I won it when I was 28; while I wasn't the most talented editor on the team, my age and responsibilities were significant. Sometimes my mind wanders to the six-figure salary I was pulling in then and all the things it could buy my kids now if it was back- a top-notch preschool, a beautiful home in this beautiful place. Mother Theresa said it's much harder to care for those in our homes than those far away. We can care for those far away with food and physical things, those at home we have to care for with love, something internal that must be renewed daily. Love is hard to come by when you feel stressed all the time. I've decided to slash my 2 day/wk work schedule back, leaving the kids with child care help just two afternoons a week instead of four. I can't think of any other way to make this happen. In the myriad of situations and factors life offers, I know this decision isn't right for everyone, but it feels right for us right now. While part of me thinks it's insane to set aside very good earning power so I can catch floating baubles with coat hangers, another, more gentle part of me knows that is exactly what my kids need right now. I may or may not find myself with more time later; that's a gift I will gratefully accept if it comes.
Today when my four boys were happily and non-contentiously eating their popcorn together they invited me over. Knowing these years of magic caves and wanting mom around are numbered, I set aside a project I picked up during their independent moment. Earlier I had sprinkled a couple chocolate chips into the popcorn, all of which had vanished immediately. As we neared the bottom of the bowl a last chip was spotted. Caleb snatched it quickly. Just as he was about to eat it, he paused as he looked at me. "Here you go, mom," he said as he gently put it in my hand. His sweet offering wasn't given without some small awareness of sacrifice, maybe his own and mine, came straight from the heart and touched me deeply. I don't mind what I might have to give to see this little boy with a filled heart every day of his life.

The more time I spend, though, the more I see how much I have to learn, how much I struggle to keep my patience and manage my anger as well as my kids'. And how do I balance the development of their creativity with learning their letters and things all the other kids are doing? Although I still have lots more to cover in my new readings, I recently ordered another 12 books, including a book about Anger and Patience by the Dalai Lama. More on that later...