Trying to Work the Schedule with my Little Ones

Usually I leave our older boys' doctor check ups feeling overwhelmed. I come away with a list of well intentioned "try-to's" that peter out a few weeks later. Last week the doctor's advice included: 1. have one-on-one time with your boys because that's super important for twins 2. try to work on some fine motor skills with Caleb by playing Board Games and other finger activities 3. keep up the physical activity with all my kids and try to sign Caleb up for swim lessons.

I'm hoping this year I'll take the advice into stride by turning it into habits instead of one-month wonders. I was surprised to find myself turning to my daily routine for help; like making a necklace I'm trying to arrange the beads I want on the string of our day. I've started to include a nanny column for the days that our housekeeper/nanny is in the house, and a column for Ian.

I can't say enough about the help I'm finding from this Steady Days routine for little kids. I'm trying to leave us plenty of time to do everything, but we still often fall behind schedule. Still, even if I schedule in a half hour for fine motor skills and we only wind up doing 5 minutes, consistently, it's still an improvement on where we at before. Just being able to see my day on one page with all the spots there are to fit in the things my kids need and I need (all simplified) is such a relief!

Routines with Little Kids

"I had often found it amazing that almost every day I had the opportunity to create a new habit, either positive or negative, in my young children" Jamie C. Martin, Steady Days

Lately I've been manually jotting down a plan/structure/schedule for our day per the ideas in Steady Days (I super highly recommend this book). Overall I want us to do lots of things, and so do my kids!- connect with friends, have Arttime, Musictime, Bakingtime, Learning-letterstime, Naptime, Playtime plus I need to run errands, make dinner and do a million other things. Knowing my first priorities are connecting with my kids and finding a little time to get personal things done have helped me find that with some planning I can do all the things we need over a couple of days.

Just the simple act of committing the sched to paper is helpful and I'll usually glance at it only a couple times during the day when I get panicky about what to do next. So far Arttime has been a big hit- the other day I brought out the paint and the kids asked if they could turn one of the leftover moving boxes into a ship. They even asked if we could put up a sail and find some water. I love the way that rough planning helps us be more creative and sometimes have more fun then a rigid schedule or no plan at all.

I really feel like drawing from a big store of ways to spend the day and arranging them ahead of time in whatever works for us is one of the most important tools I've discovered so far. I used to go into work with a plan- a list of items that need doing and blocks of time for doing them, why should this be any different? My plan isn't set in stone, if my kids are clamoring for baking muffins when we had arttime down we switch, or if a park day invite pops up, we can switch out our free play time. It's just a blueprint, a starting place to shape the moving pieces of our day so we hit all the important things. It helps me see the things we did do that day, instead of the things we didn't.

The problem is that it's hard to make myself keep it up! At work I had other adults that I was interacting with who wanted to see my results and kept me accountable. Here, let's be honest, as long as nobody calls Child Services on me and my husband opens the door to a relatively peaceful home, my work is accountable to no person. To make things worse, unlike my workplace where the results of what I did could be seen right away, many of these results aren't going to be seen for years to come, maybe even decades. The shaping of minds and hearts is long term stuff that starts with each and every day. Like beads on a string there will literally be thousands and thousands of them before my kids leave home. How do I keep up the willpower to be purposeful and intentional about each one?

One answer I came upon last night is to use my fellow-moms and friends to support and be accountable to each other. Why not invest in each other's success? A couple friends I meet with in the Power of Moms learning circle have agreed to be reportees with our daily plans so I'm interested to see how that goes (I'm counting on you to count on me!) And I encourage everyone who might be interested to try out the structure idea- print out these, make your own etc.- and write back after a week with how it went. I would love to hear from you!

Steady Days

"Every mother functions best when she's being intentional with her time and energy" Jamie C. Martin, Steady Days
Jamie C. Martin immersed herself in motherhood by having three kids all the same age: one biological and two adopted from India and Africa. The basic premise behind her short and lovely book Steady Days: A Journey Toward Intentional, Professional Motherhood is that moms should approach their job with as much professionalism and purpose as any important CEO, because that job is one of the most important ever.

She has a couple really simple principles that I love: plan the day. I love her choice of the word "steady" because I think it's an encouragement to provide that stability that everybody works best under. Create a 'Steady Routine' that might be the same every day, or different each day of the week. Plug in the blocks of time with all the things that mom and kids need and want to do. Her ideas include: Structured Play (kids and mom play with a toy that mom chooses, maybe something kind of involved) Free Play (letting kids play unconstrained and often outside, although usually needs to be supervised), Room Time (teaching kids how to play on their own and mom doesn't always need to entertain them, best if confined to a room and special toys get taken out at this time), Quiet Time (either napping or, if an older kid it's different from Room Time: kids lie quietly and look at books and kind of rest) Storytime, VideoTime, Arttime, Baking, Crafttime, Individual Time, Scrapbooks (recording with kids what happened that day). Of course errands, playdates and outings get built into the day also. She has suggests making a column for you and your husband and/or nanny so that mom can do things she needs to get done during Quiet Time or Room Time.

I've been reading lots of books about the best ways to use my time with my kids, but this one helps me fit all the pieces fit together and not get overwhelmed, embracing and enjoying the moments like I want to without worrying about getting this or that done. I've always heard that kids thrive on routine, planning and order to the day. My sister in law told me that she once taught two separate kindergartens: one that had a lot of rules and structure and one that had none. Surprisingly, the kids did much better in the one with the structure. I know that this will be good, but sometimes it's hard not to get on a phone call that goes for a long time. If I was at work though I know I'd keep it short- and I am, after all, working!

Jamie herself admits that sometimes you can get into a bit of a rut if you don't plan some spontaneity in there too. It's an odd thought that having fun with my kids is kind of hard work at times, and spontaneity takes a bit of planning to set the stage, but it's my experience! One of my own favorite discoveries- Creative Play (playing together with my kids but letting them lead them activity and see where they take us), helps us have fun and connect with each other.

Anyways, here's my planner. I found that I need to print these out and write in them every day. I can't always stick to things perfectly, but found that the days definitely goes more smoothly when it's there. How to stay motivated and disciplined? Martin urges moms to remember our motivation- to give our kids our best. "What keeps me going in the midst of unpleasant difficulties is a Steady Heart. This is even more important that a Steady Day, because if you have a Steady Heart, the Steady Days will soon follow. A Steady Heart contains a sense of purpose, the idea that you know why you are doing what you're doing, even down to the most mundane of tasks. Everything is involved in the big picture, so everything is important." Jamie C. Martin

Hey Anger, Want to Be My "Partner?"

"When we allow ourselves to feel the full heat of anger without expressing it, a mountain of strength and courage is revealed" Geneen Roth

Oprah vouchee Geneen Roth has written a bunch of books designed to help people who eat compulsively, but she's the first to say her theories apply to anything dealing with losing control to something, so I decided to apply Roth's ideas to anger management in parenting. At that moment when I'm about to lose control and witch-face morph happens and I say a bunch of words I only sort of meant at a very loud volume, I stop and actually feel the emotion that is swallowing me. What is its story? She even gets into things like asking what colour it is (black? red? magenta?), where we feel it on our bodies (chest? kidney? stomach? big toe? j/k) and a physical object it resembles (tightening belt? crashing wrecking ball?).
In the heat of a parenting moment I don't have time to do all of that; I just do my best in a few seconds. When I take the time to feel what is coming, and this sounds completely crazy, but here goes: I almost feel like my emotion is telling me something important that I can only hear if I stay in control and actively listen. If I do this I can actually partner with my anger as it directs me in a response.
Today one son wanted a sugary-something around dinner and I said no, eventually he started to spit at me and call me "poopy mommy." I felt the anger explode- what an outlandishly rude thing to do simply because I'm trying to keep him healthy! I took a couple deep breaths, watching him as I listened. It felt like the anger was actually not so much about what he was doing, but me feeling my dignity, my pride even, was threatened. In the same instant I felt a surge of something else -how could this tired little boy, and I could see by watching that he was tired- honestly, actually, truly threaten my dignity. Surprisingly I felt a quiet, steady power inside me that sounded of echoing eternities; my divine nature. As soon as I showed the anger this place it softened into an understanding of sorts, not exactly compassion like the Dalai Lama describes, but maybe its not as hot, but decent-looking younger brother: understanding. This understanding embraced me as I quietly, but intently watched him spit and potty-talk in my face for just a moment longer until he kind of stopped, almost like he was silenced by my face. I used some of the other things I've been learning to teach him this was unacceptable and he apologized. All of this took place in ten seconds. He climbed on my lap like it never happened.
I wish I could say that adding this great new tool on my belt is really pouring out the peace- but that would be lying. What it's mostly doing is helping me melt stressful events quickly, not explode them; it's helping me dissolve my anger, not store it. In different situations I feel the anger differently and respond in different ways. Obviously I'm not supermom and can't figure this out all the time but when I can, listening to the anger sometimes also shows me where the motivation is coming from: a hitting moment is taking out frustration at not getting a need met instantly; a teasing moment is dealing with boredom. My kids need to maturely deal with boredom and frustration, but that'll take time. No two and four year old can master it. Realistically it will take years of teaching and learning; I don't know why I sometimes think that yelling is going to speed it up.
In the meantime, the words in Moroni 7:45-46 have been going through my mind a lot lately, mostly because I'm starting to see how beautiful, but long this journey is going to be: "Charity suffereth long, and is kind... is not puffed up, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil, and rejoiceth not in iniquity but rejoiceth in the truth, beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things... charity never faileth. Wherefore cleave unto charity which is the greatest of all"
Hoo boy.

This Just Got a Lot Harder-

Today at the park I asked one of my sons to stop pushing a rotating circle-thing so his little brother could get off. He flagrantly ignored me, kept pushing, and baby brother got dragged and scraped on the ground. I stopped my son, then calmly told him that what he did hurt his baby brother. Without warning he struck me right across the face.
If I back up a bit, just prior to going to the park I consciously did try to give all my sons as much attention as I could to fill up their 'emotional tanks' and connect with them. As we were getting ready to go, another son tossed our car keys in the air and they had mishappenly landed in a small crack underneath the sealed concrete steps of my brother's house. Despite me and my sister-in-law straining for 20 minutes lying on our bellies and reaching into mouldy dirt with wire hangers, pens, magnets, prayer, and wooden spatulas with the rubber tips removed, we didn't get them. Afterwards, I was a little stiff as I handled my kids, a tad rougher than usual. Having the sliding door close on one of my son's little fingers, crushing and bruising them blue didn't help. Also having another son consistently take his shoes off and throw them into obscure hiding places on three separate occasions also didn't wipe out the black cloud that was gathering over my head.
I could feel the tension in my voice as I struggled not to yell while we walked to the park. It still didn't prevent a meltdown. About a minute before my son punched me in the face, my sister in law said that if she was me, she would be yelling all day long at her kids.
Today was an especially bad day and traveling makes things rough. I realize that my 2x2 situation is very unusual, but having these stressful events that occur both accidentally and on purpose breed more chaos have become the new norm as my kids hit 2 and 4.
I'm not just talking about embarrassing behavior that doesn't look good (although thankyou for pointing that out in your comment, Staci, because that does happen too and I'm learning to let that go). What I mean by meltdowns is when my kids cross a line where their flagrant disobedience causes intentional harm to me and/or their siblings, or drains me of time and energy by cleaning up huge, unintentional, messes and totally enrage me. But the meltdowns are also connected to these weird, stress-inducing, accidental events that I can't prevent very easily.
These stress-inducing events typically don't happen when we're doing our child-driven creative play. But we can't do that all day every day. Life requires us to go to the park, visit our family, and pick up the dry-cleaning. And no matter how emotionally tanked up everybody is, and I'm realizing how desperately important that is now, the bottom line is that with too many little kids around it can get crazy. Exponentially, terrifyingly crazy.
In light of all this, I'm making a bold, possible super-crazy goal over one thing I can control: do not ever, under any circumstances, or for any amount of love or money, lose my temper. Ever. (Although, one stipulation: I may be aiming for progress, not perfection here).
When I lose my temper I can't find it for awhile. Shouting can be very effective, but with little recovery time before the next random crisis of blueberry stains, nuclear diapers, broken lamps or a shoved little brother strikes, it's all too easy to get completely insane. Yelling and turning into witch-face makes my kids cry. It breaks them, sometimes a little, sometimes a lot and sometimes into too many pieces. The anger ripples through everyone, giving the thumbs up for all my little guys to lose it too. In the Dalai Lama's book on the Power of Patience, he says outbursts of anger plant the seeds of anger in others- "that person does not hang on to anger but passes it on, perhaps repeatedly." Acting in anger diminishes our virtues; if left unchecked anger can destroy us. Staying with patience is strength, it brings immense power.
But I found that when I kept myself checked, the anger eventually explodes anyways- bigger, uglier and guiltier. In Women Food and God: An Unexpected Path to Almost Everything, Geneen Roth has a focused approach. She believes in the importance of facing deficiencies, of being with a yucky feeling instead of drowning in it or escaping from it or numbing away from it. "All any feeling wants is to be welcomed with tenderness. It wants room to unfold. It wants to relax and tell its story. It wants to dissolve like a thousand writhing snakes that with a flick of kindness become harmless strands of rope." Skeptical at first, I've had some success with her ideas. She believes there is great power in feeling anger without acting out in it. "When we allow ourselves to feel the full heat of anger without expressing it, a mountain of strength and courage is revealed."
Seriously? Could that actually be true? We'll see...

More Questions than Answers

Over and over I've been reading that kids have a need for attention, affection, encouragement and connection from their parents. Being smart about giving enough attention in the right places has made a significant difference in steering my kids' behavior to a better place.
But, it doesn't always work.
They still act out.
A dear friend has been putting these principles of directed attention into practice longer than I have and while I think her kids really are exceptionally well-behaved she has found that sometimes although her kids' "emotional tanks" per D. Ross Campbell's How to Really Love Your Child are so full they're going to "explode", they still throw embarrassing tantrums because they get bored at a wedding or don't want to leave the craft tent at a summer festival even though they've been there all day.
I couldn't agree more.
My theory is that my kids have a level of behavior influenced heavily by their need for my attention, and as I'm getting better at directing it in a way that makes us all happy they act great. But there's another level of their behavior that's completely unconnected with my decisions as a parent. The flipside of their wonder and delight at the newness of this world is that they're also bound to handle many things well, ungraciously to put it mildly.
What it comes down to is that they can't control themselves. Like a wriggly little puppy who simply must jump in a lake, my kids will go haywire sometimes because they are kids and that's what kids do. Despite being well-napped, fed, down-timed, encouraged and loved, the realities of life will most certainly overwhelm these immature little guys to melt-down mode. Some situations inherently have more potential for overwhelmingness- health issues, moves, lots of kids all at once (ahem) to name a few will undoubtedly make for more tantrums, but that's life. Finding their own way to control their puppy instincts is the key to growing into steady, strong, confident, independent adults. I guess it's my job to teach them or assist them in this process- how on earth do I do it?
I wonder if the way I choose to answer that question is at the heart of everything that is awful and hard and holy and amazing about parenting.
I have a few options I'm already doing: I can yell and intimidate my kids into control. Also, I can embrace, soothe and lull them into control. The first one brings a fearful, angry feeling into our home and can establish negative patterns of conflict, but quickly wards off danger. The other one isn't possible at times because my kids are too mad, but I'm seeing that if used too much over time can run the risk of a growing dependence on mom, an inability to self-soothe, and an over-taxing of the resources I have for all my kids.
So what is a good middle road approach that helps my kids learn self-control, keeps them feeling loved but has a sharp urgency that makes them listen?
I have a feeling the answer is going to be both simple and very complicated... we'll see...

Watering the Roses, not the Weeds

"When we focus on what is good and beautiful in someone, whether or not we think that they "deserve" it, the good and beautiful are strengthened merely by light of our attention" Katrina Kenison, The Gift of An Ordinary Day

When I was a new mom it seemed that the word on the downlow, the one whispered behind open palms at the playgrounds, large elm trees off sidewalks, step-aside areas away from the cash registers at Target, was, whatever you do- it's not cool to go easy on your kids when they're being bad. I've heard many cautionary tales about the mom who wouldn't discipline her child and was kicked out of playgroup, or mysteriously stopped getting calls for playdates. In public, if a child is out of control, I can almost hear people thinking, and often hear them saying: "that mom's got to come down hard on him."
I think just about everyone agrees kids need limits, but what if this way of thinking actually incentivizes negative behavior? What if giving big responses for bad behavior and few or no responses for good behavior actually incentives bad behavior? What if focusing a lot on good behavior while staying neutral and calm and un-exciting during undesirable behavior before doling out timeout is a piece of the puzzle I'm looking for to bring more peace to my home?
The basic premise of Transforming the Difficult Child, which I believe applies to both the difficult and undifficult, is that in traditional parenting kids get energized responses when they act badly; unconsciously this is desirable to them. "Most conventional parenting paradigms have it backwards: the higher payoff goes to occasions when the rules are broken, and the payoff is minimal when the child is just going along in an acceptable yet ordinary fashion."
The solution is to help kids create and nurture success by looking for times when kids are doing good things-playing quietly on their own, helping out, etc.- and verbalize those several times an hour, even once every 10min., giving focus and meaning to those beautiful quiet moments that are so ordinary. I've always tried to be positive with my kids, but never so frequently and as a means for pointing out rules that are being kept. Some of the comments can be neutral and non-judgmental, "The color you chose for your project is very bright and glittery. I see you combined the purple with some orange," and others can be positive "I see you are working hard not to bother your brother even though he pushed you. I am proud of you for not hurting him and getting back to what you were working on."
I've been trying this for a few days and I have to say the world looks a lot better. My kids do a lot of good things! I love seeing their eyes light up and their ear cock towards me to take in the positive words. I think the power here is in pointing out how following rules helps us feel good instead of just seeing rules as something bad we're always breaking.
Yesterday I asked Julian to give a sparkly red bouncy ball back to his younger brother. With a frowny face he started dragging his feet in that direction. Normally that's the point that I lose it and he runs off. But I tried out the positive talk, using the littlest thing to start: "I like the way you're walking back towards your brother, I know it's hard, but you're doing a great job" He stopped with a near-smile on his face. Even though I was about to say "hurry up please!" that look made me sputter and try to keep going, "that's great the way you're coming back this way so he can have a turn too. You're doing a good job of listening, I like to see that." He gave it back without a whimper of protest!

It seems to be the strangest thing in the world that I and other wonderful mothers can become enmeshed in negative patterns with the little people that we love so dearly. But I see how pointing out negative acts can perpetuate them, and I fear when I don't give ample attention to good things they diminish. Can I look for more ways to put a "hand on the brow" like Galway Kinnell's beautiful poem encourages:

"Sometimes it is necessary
to reteach a thing its loveliness,
to put a hand on its brow
of the flower
and retell it in words and in touch
it is lovely
until it flowers again from within, of self-blessing"
Has anyone else made a conscious effort to try this?

Mom Anger: Fighting that Urge

"I'm talking about something so frightening that no one ever brings it up, probably for fear someone will call her aloud what we all call ourselves at our most guilt-ridden and self-doubting: (a bad mom)." A Mom's Anger- Sometimes I Scare Myself, Does Anyone Else Get this mad?

So before I post about all the family creations we're making I must stop and deal with demon lady again. Creative play is helping, but I can't deny the flashes of real hatred that still stun me when things go awry. "Teaching our children and teenagers to handle anger is truly what I consider to be the most difficult part of parenting. First, it is most difficult because it does not come naturally... our natural tendency is to become more angry than the child," says D. Ross Campbell in How to Really Love Your Child Yep. All to naturally.
I don't know why I didn't see it quite this way before since it's so obvious now but this has become one of my truisms in this peace journey: I have to fight the urge to get drawn into conflict!! My kids, whether they realize it or not, are sparking me into battle with the Basic Scenario: I ask my child very nicely to put Object A in Location X (usually back in little brother's hand) and they scream "NO!!" and throw, dump or shatter a huge mess on the ground and/or pound something into someone's face. My eyes flash red as in an instant I know my kind gesture was basically met with the bird, I must soothe an innocent victim or dig out a magic eraser and get Cinderella-scrubbing, and after everything I do all day for those little stinkers they couldn't possibly appreciate me less! By then I've already given into the moment by yelling and dragging the offender to their room.
Anger is a part of this imperfect life; pressures are applied to us all resulting in kettle steam that must find a way out. What I didn't realize fully is that following directions and managing anger successfully are advanced skills that take a long time to mature- we're talking Age 17 as the Best Case Scenario. Some people take longer or never learn to manage anger. It's unreasonable to expect my kids to do anything much differently at this age and it's my job to carefully teach them how to manage anger, this means I need to model good anger management myself. (yikes!)
One of the things Campbell advocates for is "Neutral Face" which "will pay many dividends as the years come and go. The accumulation of mountains of needless anger provoked in your child will be avoided." The neutral face means being fully attentive, but pleasant, firm and calm in the face of a raging, out of control meltdown. I've often watched passerbys trying to tease a reaction out of a human statue or mime and are awed at how those people can really keep their cool down. Anytime I've tried to be a mime I really suck. I always smile, which is death to the NF. Campbell says smiling or laughing to ease the tension can make the child feel belittled and his concerns aren't being taken seriously. The purpose of NF is to stay in control of the moment.
I love NF. It's awesome. Getting angry leaves me feeling burned, and steering clear of a lash-out saves us all trouble and tears. Also when I get angry I look at my kids with a mean eye and my face turns all witchy, according to Campbell this fuels the flames and leaves kids feeling unloved. He believes it's crucial for kids to know they're loved even when they're being bad as part of a larger discipline strategy. So I think of NF as my gameface. When a mess or a shove shakes me out of nowhere I think "It's Gotime" and steel myself to appropriately manage my own anger and the overall situation calmly. Don't laugh, but it seriously feels like a superpower, one that is growing daily as I practice it.
In "Transforming the Difficult Child," Glasser and Easley also stress how important NF is in helping to never, ever get sucked into the fray. But unlike Campbell, who recommends gentle lectures after the storm passes, Glasser and Easley think those only work on The Cosby Show and Full House. They say after relaxing that deathgrip on my flippy little lid, the next step should avoid lectures because they don't work in real life with little children.
Obviously, NF isn't the only answer, and pitching lectures seems a bit harsh. What happens next is interesting... and I'll get to it soon. What would it be like to not flip my lid for a whole week- maybe a whole two weeks? Dare I dream? "Success can become second nature, like breathing, and can take over one's life as well... in expansive and healthy ways" say Glasser and Easley. I'm all for that.

"the creative family"

"Being creative is important: important to me because I feel myself to be a more complete person when my creativity is expressed; important to my children, who witness adults growing, sharing and learning creatively; and important to my family, who grow and connect by creating together." Amanda Blake Soule

I stumbled upon Amanda Blake Soule's 'The Creative Family: How to Encourage Imagination and Nurture Family Connections' mostly because I thought the cover was cute, and it's taken my tentative discoveries of imaginative and creative play as a way to connect with my kids to a whole new level. While I don't know if I'll ever take it to the mat every day the way she does, I find her ideas inspiring. From putting up doorway and clothesline theaters, taking a nature walk with on-the-go art bags for some inspiring sketch-time in the woods, using both makeup and costumes to dress-up, gathering pinecones, grasses and berries for table displays, making afghans and cards for charity organizations and having family drawing time, she pulls out all the stops. There's a photo of her one year old daughter finger-crotcheting, her three year old son embroidering one of his drawings on a pillow.
Not particularly crafty until she started having kids and her 'creative spirit was awakened', her basic premise is that kids are happier when they are embracing their creative selves by developing and expanding their imaginations, and family connection is deeply nurtured when families create together.
I've already discovered some of her tenets- let your kids lead the way and it's actually easier to play when there's less toys around. So after wrapping a present for a friend's birthday party last week, Caleb asked about wrapping something for his Grandmother. Following her idea about handmade gifts, I asked him if he wanted to paint her a picture to wrap and he got very excited. While the boys have painted at school I've never had them paint at home because I know they'll all want to do it and just the thought of the four of them and that mess makes me want to pass out. A year ago I bought some paints, brushes and canvases from IKEA and have not once opened them; to be honest, the minute after I bought them I never had any intention of opening them. I guess I just needed a little push to get myself past the hesitation.

Still, it wasn't without great trepidation and a few second guesses that they were brought forth into the light of day. They hadn't dried up (darn!). Luckily it was Sunday so Ian was around to lend a hand. I have to admit the boys thoroughly relished their paint time, were absorbed for about an hour, and are so very proud of their creations. I was quite surprised to see how much Jack loved it- he actually made a very good painting completely on his own.
She has tons of ideas I plan on trying out over the next little while. Does anyone else have tips about what works for their kids and their families when it comes to creating things?