But, it doesn't always work.
They still act out.
A dear friend has been putting these principles of directed attention into practice longer than I have and while I think her kids really are exceptionally well-behaved she has found that sometimes although her kids' "emotional tanks" per D. Ross Campbell's How to Really Love Your Child
are so full they're going to "explode", they still throw embarrassing tantrums because they get bored at a wedding or don't want to leave the craft tent at a summer festival even though they've been there all day. I couldn't agree more.
My theory is that my kids have a level of behavior influenced heavily by their need for my attention, and as I'm getting better at directing it in a way that makes us all happy they act great. But there's another level of their behavior that's completely unconnected with my decisions as a parent. The flipside of their wonder and delight at the newness of this world is that they're also bound to handle many things well, ungraciously to put it mildly.
What it comes down to is that they can't control themselves. Like a wriggly little puppy who simply must jump in a lake, my kids will go haywire sometimes because they are kids and that's what kids do. Despite being well-napped, fed, down-timed, encouraged and loved, the realities of life will most certainly overwhelm these immature little guys to melt-down mode. Some situations inherently have more potential for overwhelmingness- health issues, moves, lots of kids all at once (ahem) to name a few will undoubtedly make for more tantrums, but that's life. Finding their own way to control their puppy instincts is the key to growing into steady, strong, confident, independent adults. I guess it's my job to teach them or assist them in this process- how on earth do I do it?
I wonder if the way I choose to answer that question is at the heart of everything that is awful and hard and holy and amazing about parenting.
I have a few options I'm already doing: I can yell and intimidate my kids into control. Also, I can embrace, soothe and lull them into control. The first one brings a fearful, angry feeling into our home and can establish negative patterns of conflict, but quickly wards off danger. The other one isn't possible at times because my kids are too mad, but I'm seeing that if used too much over time can run the risk of a growing dependence on mom, an inability to self-soothe, and an over-taxing of the resources I have for all my kids.
So what is a good middle road approach that helps my kids learn self-control, keeps them feeling loved but has a sharp urgency that makes them listen?
I have a feeling the answer is going to be both simple and very complicated... we'll see...
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2 comments:
Good question! I will ponder on that and get back to you:) It is hard sometimes to find moderation in all things. I don't necessarily condone yelling, but sometimes, if used sparingly it is very effective.
The tone of this and your last post is one of a pure "behaviorist". You seem to be approaching parental choices from a point of "what will get my boys to exhibit desired behavior". The point of bettering yourself as a parent and a person is not to "get your kids to behave". It is about you overcoming your own selfish tendencies. Parenting is awesome because it helps force you to get over yourself and grow up. The older your kids get, the faster this process feels and becomes.
One key is to disconnect yourself embarrassment and pride over your children's negative and positive behaviors. They are each individuals, and they will each teach you something different as your strive and struggle to meet their needs throughout this life. You have to get over "how things look" and focus on your relationship with each child. There are correct principles, but no one size fits all approach will ever be effective.
Raising boys is very different than raising girls. I think one thing that helps to balance my boy's energy the most effectively is an over-abundance of child directed outside time. On the days when we are outside a ton (like 6+ hours), Doug will remark at dinner about how relaxed and happy everyone seems. I realize that with four young boys in an apartment, space to be wild and messy is a tall order. But I feel like boys should be outside more than a couple of hours a day. Hand-in-hand with this, is avoiding screen time as much as humanly possible.
There is opposition in all things, and the goal is progress, not perfection. As you are model cheerful, positive behavior, (ie: avoiding yelling) your home will be happier. Everyone will still have tough moments, but you will grow in your ability to be unconditionally accepting and long suffering.
It's pretty exciting stuff!
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