Connecting the Dots

"Mothering does not just mean caring for; it also means caring about-recognizing each of our children as unique individuals and cherishing them just as they are," Katrina Kenison, Mitten Strings for God

In order to figure out what my kids are REALLY saying, thus avoiding explosive behavior and creating more harmony, I'm realizing that I need to strengthen our connection. My sister-in-law describes her 3yr old's behavior like a rope between them. When their connection is strong, he's good, when it breaks due to one thing or another... ooo boy. She's emotionally sensitive enough to feel these changes.
I have many obstacles when it comes to connecting with my kids on a satisfying, daily basis. First, I had a lot of them all at once. Maybe I can connect well with one or two, but it's tough to hit all four, especially my younger ones. Nursing helps with that, and when it's gone things change. Also, connecting is different than spending time together. I spend a lot of time with my kids, but at some point I started feeling that entertaining, educating, and enlightening them with all the skills they are going to need to do well in this world (socially, academically, fine motor, gross motor etc.) is a better use of time than just being together.
Activities that connect me with my kids are not the ones where I'm trying to make something happen- eat food, find shoes, learn letters, brush teeth, leave me alone so I can shower... Connecting activities are slow and gentle. They include a lot of eye contact. A lot of laughing together, they put a sparkle in my kids' eyes.
The problem is that with my 2x2 situation, the best way for me to connect with my kids is when we're at home with absolutely no distractions. But the other problem is that with my 2x2 situation I've been avoiding being at home alone because I feel there's too much chaos. My kids are stimulated and distracted when we attend events, so for the past two years I've scheduled multiple types of events for us to attend- meeting friends at their house, at the church, inviting friends over, going to preschool, doctor appointments etc. I literally try to have something scheduled pre and post afternoon naps, every single day.
These events are great and important, they're not the problem. The problem is that we're out of balance. When we're engaged in them I'm not able to connect with my kids. I'm usually chatting with friends, trying to make sure everyone stays in one piece, or herding. So 'connection time' gets squeezed in around bedtime or a few moments here and there. And as I'm reading about the kind of connection kids really need to weather the storms that will be hitting them in just a few short years. Frankly, I'm terrified.
Basically every parenting book that I'm reading right now talks about how strong, heartfelt connections between parents and children are increasingly rare in the face of technology usage, demanding work schedules, commuting schedules, homework requirements, and just the expectations of life today.
Kids have increasingly vanished behind a silent wall where their real friends and activities are completely unknown by their truly caring and involved parents. In the amazing book Childhood Unbound renowned parenting expert Dr. Ron Taffel went behind the silent wall to learn about the world that disconnected kids (which is, soberingly, most kids today) have created in an attempt to help them get out of it. What he saw literally made him go white. It's unlike anything any other generation has known, and it's in heartland USA, not just urban centers.
Raves, alcohol, drugs, tattoos, group sex in every possible permutation and location, extreme fighting in warehouses until someone becomes unconscious, cyberbullying, all by kids fourteen, thirteen, twelve... and the problem is when they start at these ages when brain development is at a sensitive stage they often become hopeless addicts and worse. He also has plenty of stories of make-out parties starting at nine, eight year olds saying "fuck you" or "what an asshole" when their parents ask them to turn off the TV and come for dinner... it's inextricably heartbreaking.
One of his basic premises is that parents need to engage with their kids when they're young. Otherwise, they become sad, then angry, then they just don't care. They vanish into their own universe, buttressed by texting, tweeting, and lying to their totally unsuspecting parents. Taffel says, "the hard truth is that parents love their children, but they do not create the time to pay direct, undivided, personal attention to them."
Yikes. At times, my kids do seem angry, but I do so much for them! Could trying harder to really connect with my kids on a daily basis bring more peace to our home now and side-step future land-mines? Taffel seems to think so.
to be continued... (this is all going to come together, I promise)