Our twin baby boys arrived at 26 weeks instead of 40, robbed of 35% of their gestation and placed at the knife’s edge of viability with a shot at a normal life. The list of disabilities and damages the doctors might likely find was heartbreaking. Death was not excluded, nor was it the worst thing. For the next 103 days while the hospital kept them and watched them, IV’ed them and operated on them, we waded through time like it was made of cement. Each day, each hour, each heartbeat of plastic incubator walls, xrays and brain scans washed us with worry and pain, but each tick inched us closer to the time they could come home. I would have given anything to have them away from the cables & monitors, the huge heavy hospital doors miles from our house. I wanted to envelop them in peace and quiet in our home forever.
That brush with death developed into a gift. When the boys were finally released, I was marveled by the heavenly feelings we felt after the happy union. They sent me floating on a cloud of joy that deepened over the weeks and months. I tickled, I laughed, I watched my husband hold and soothe our dear boys as I physically lived one of my favorite childhood songs “there is beauty all around, there is joy in every sound, roses bloom beneath our feet, all the earth’s a garden sweet, making life a bliss complete when there’s love at home.” Strangers consistently told me how calm, peaceful and patient I seemed for having twin babies. The care, love and joy I gave and received from my little babies as they grew through to their first and second birthdays was incredibly satisfying, soul-stilling, breathtaking. I wanted to make sure that this lasted forever.
The only constant is change, and due to a number of factors and an unbelievable journey I won’t get into here, two other little twin baby boys joined us at a much healthier gestation (34 weeks) two years after their brothers and, in comparison, sailed right home from the hospital although not without reminders of our first brush with death. We hired full-time help. We tightened our budget. We sang a lot of silly songs. We changed a lot of diapers. We got a lot of funny looks when we went out with our quad stroller. Amazingly, despite the growing workload and occasional outburst, I was still fairly calm, patient, in good control of my temper, and wanted to keep it that way.
But one day, when my boys were well into three and my babies were rounding over 18 months, I realized that things had shifted. I was yelling at my kids more. I frequently lost my patience, and even when I was calm it wasn’t the same loving gentleness I had before. Things I had skimmed over in parenting books were now coming to the forefront, again from Turansky: "First baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby. Second baby: You spend a bit of every day watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby. Third baby: You spend a little bit of each day hiding from the children." When my kids were fighting for their lives in the NICU I would have done anything for them, I had a dream of a beautiful, peaceful, happy home. OK, maybe it was unrealistic, and I don't want to give the impression that we were always fighting or screaming at each other. In fact, overall I think we still looked pretty happy, especially for having 2 sets of twins, but something has shifted. Things are harder. A LOT harder! And despite what I kept telling myself- they aren't going to get easier!!
So I've been researching tons of parenting books and came up with a bunch of things I'm working on now, when my kids are young, during this last year before they start school. I'm so excited about what I'm learning. I kind of started a new blog, but as I was working on it yesterday while Ian had four screaming children, I realized it wasn't helping my cause any. So, instead of being crazy, 'm just going to put up some posts about what I'm learning here and there, as I find time...
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6 comments:
I'm so excited to hear everything you've learned. And I'm sorry it's gotten harder. We love all of your boys so much!
I heard you're on vacation and that makes life really hard. And I heard the good news that your moving into a tiny house with a yard. I hope your new house brings your new freedoms and more peace.
I'm excited about the new blog. I love reading what you write.
Alissa
Yes, it is true that we just got back from vacation! It was hard in some ways and easy in others. I'm excited about moving to a house, I think it will help things out.
I just finished reading Mitten's Strings for God--thanks for the recommendation. I loved it! I've already noticed a difference in our little home--more peaceful, less TV, more calm, happier. I love your blog, thanks!
I've noticed that the more I learn about how I process/deal with my own emotions, the more I understand how to deal with Oliver's emotions. Like, in the past whenever I was feeling...well, you name it... sad, lonely, bored, stressed, overwhelmed....I used to just ignore/supress my feelings and would just eat. (I'm still working on this in my life) Sometimes an indulgent eating, sometimes a lashing out kind of eating. I just didn't want to deal directly with whatever was really going on in my life. Emotions don't just disappear because we ignore them. They stick, they lurk and often manifest themselves in dark, ugly ways in an attempt to get simply recognized.
My own personal philosophy is that we are living in a society where women are given the message that emotions are weak, crazy, unreliable, and basically just get in our way of us being reasonable and highly productive beings. I think women's emotions are not stumbling blocks but vital keys to help us in our jobs as mothers and wives. My guess is that if we want our children to be emotionally healthy people, we have to get there first. Not an easy or clear hill to climb.
Also, I just thought of this on my way to bed, my eating often tends to mirror how IN CONTROL i feel in my life. When my eating is out of control often when I take a moment to refect and consider how I'm feeling, a current theme of feeling out of control in my life comes up. I also have a theory that our children have these same issues. I've noticed that when Oliver acts up - if I give him a job, a responsibility or control over something I've noticed it has an immediate calming effect on him. I think people tend to freak out when they don't believe they have control over their environment, life, self...
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