the Shut-ins

"A child who doesn't experience leisure-or better yet, boredom-will always be looking for external stimulation, activity, or entertainment," Kim John Payne, Simplicity Parenting

Last week I tried very hard to take a hold of my mortal fear of being home alone with my 2x2 household and show it just who exactly is boss around here. Usually once I get everyone ready for the day we're out like a shot to GET somewhere or meet someone before the first whine pierces my eardrums. It keeps me sane. But in order to be more connected to my kids, I wondered if too many activities was getting in the way of that. So last week we stayed home all morning and/or all afternoon.
Every Day.
My husband, who noticed the massive change in our schedule, asked why we had turned into shut-ins.
It was very enlightening, I found a number of things I can do better for my particular situation if I want more peace in my home.
The first thing I noticed is that I need to avoid being too hands-off, (ie. distracted or in my own world of phone calls, email and projects-more on that later) or too hands-on with my kids. I don't mean to be a nosy old know-it-all, but I find it hard to hold back, to allow my kids to "bring more of themselves to the engagement," as recommended by Kim John Payne in his masterful Simplicity Parenting. "When we don't try to fill children's minds and toy chests with prefabricated examples of "imagination," they have more freedom to forge their own, to bring their own ideas into play."
See here's what I do. Caleb finds a beautiful classic leather book (Tom Sawyer incidentally) and brings it over to me. "Look! A cookbook!" Me: "Oh yes! Let's see, there's a recipe in here for Muffins! Let's pretend to make those, these can be the eggs, oh and look it calls for cinnamon..." All I want to do is feed him imaginative ideas and get his little brain spinning. But his imagination isn't getting engaged and until that happens he can't play happily. So, biting back the words that come so naturally, I say "oh, what's in the cookbook?" after a pause: "Recipes" "What kind of recipes?" another pause: "Cranberry juice pie" That's better than lame-o muffins, glad I kept quiet! After I get him started he's out gathering supplies. My input, which started out minimally, tapers and he gets into a peaceful world of play. No whining. No flailing frustration. The ensuing silence, however long it lasts, feels like a miracle. I want to bottle it and hang it on the wall.
the "pie"
Holding back a bit has been good for us in other ways. One of my children was desperate for tape. He had already used some and was yelling for more. Usually I hunt it up, thinking that this will bring more peace to our house. But actually, I'm learning that sometimes it exhausts us all. Payne also talks about countering kids' requests to be entertained or of wanting more with: "something else is right around the corner." He says, "Scarcity-that frustrating, "nothing to do" state-is like a hush in the crowd. Silence. What whispered voice can begin to be heard? The child's inner voice. Stand back. Anything can happen. By reaching for something to do, instead of always being scheduled or entertained, children get creative. They begin building a world of their own making." Sometimes I will need to get tape, but in this instance I kept saying "you'll need to find something else" over and over in a pleasant, firm voice until finally HE DID.
I don't like being at home because I often feel too many demands from my kids to keep them happy, or that it's not interesting or exciting enough, and ultimately, I'm not enough. While being at home all day everyday isn't healthy, there's a lot more to learn here than I thought. Ultimately, I found this final thought from Payne interesting, "Loading up a child's days with activities and events... can establish a reliance, a favoring of external stimulation over emotional or inner activity..." He wonders if it might sow seeds for addictive behavior- "an increasing and compulsive tendency to avoid pain or boredom."