Oprah vouchee Geneen Roth
has written a bunch of books designed to help people who eat compulsively, but she's the first to say her theories apply to anything dealing with losing control to something, so I decided to apply Roth's ideas to anger management in parenting. At that moment when I'm about to lose control and witch-face morph happens and I say a bunch of words I only sort of meant at a very loud volume, I stop and actually feel the emotion that is swallowing me. What is its story? She even gets into things like asking what colour it is (black? red? magenta?), where we feel it on our bodies (chest? kidney? stomach? big toe? j/k) and a physical object it resembles (tightening belt? crashing wrecking ball?).In the heat of a parenting moment I don't have time to do all of that; I just do my best in a few seconds. When I take the time to feel what is coming, and this sounds completely crazy, but here goes: I almost feel like my emotion is telling me something important that I can only hear if I stay in control and actively listen. If I do this I can actually partner with my anger as it directs me in a response.
Today one son wanted a sugary-something around dinner and I said no, eventually he started to spit at me and call me "poopy mommy." I felt the anger explode- what an outlandishly rude thing to do simply because I'm trying to keep him healthy! I took a couple deep breaths, watching him as I listened. It felt like the anger was actually not so much about what he was doing, but me feeling my dignity, my pride even, was threatened. In the same instant I felt a surge of something else -how could this tired little boy, and I could see by watching that he was tired- honestly, actually, truly threaten my dignity. Surprisingly I felt a quiet, steady power inside me that sounded of echoing eternities; my divine nature. As soon as I showed the anger this place it softened into an understanding of sorts, not exactly compassion like the Dalai Lama
describes, but maybe its not as hot, but decent-looking younger brother: understanding. This understanding embraced me as I quietly, but intently watched him spit and potty-talk in my face for just a moment longer until he kind of stopped, almost like he was silenced by my face. I used some of the other things I've been learning to teach him this was unacceptable and he apologized. All of this took place in ten seconds. He climbed on my lap like it never happened. I wish I could say that adding this great new tool on my belt is really pouring out the peace- but that would be lying. What it's mostly doing is helping me melt stressful events quickly, not explode them; it's helping me dissolve my anger, not store it. In different situations I feel the anger differently and respond in different ways. Obviously I'm not supermom and can't figure this out all the time but when I can, listening to the anger sometimes also shows me where the motivation is coming from: a hitting moment is taking out frustration at not getting a need met instantly; a teasing moment is dealing with boredom. My kids need to maturely deal with boredom and frustration, but that'll take time. No two and four year old can master it. Realistically it will take years of teaching and learning; I don't know why I sometimes think that yelling is going to speed it up.
In the meantime, the words in Moroni 7:45-46 have been going through my mind a lot lately, mostly because I'm starting to see how beautiful, but long this journey is going to be: "Charity suffereth long, and is kind... is not puffed up, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil, and rejoiceth not in iniquity but rejoiceth in the truth, beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things... charity never faileth. Wherefore cleave unto charity which is the greatest of all"
Hoo boy.
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3 comments:
this reminds me a bit of what i learned to do in therapy over 10 years ago, and could start practicing better again---when i begin to feel overwhelmed by some emotion, anger, despondency, etc, i need to take a moment and slow down and think about why. Why am I angry? (it's a secondary emotion, as you pointed out). What am I feeling that caused the anger? And what happened that caused that primary emotion?
Doing that tiny bit of evaluation really changed my relationship to myself and the people around me. Like I said, I should strengthen that practice.
Those we love the most have the most power to hurt us. Interesting that someone so little can negate so quickly what we know to be true: that mothering is worthwhile and we are divine creatures doing it. Thanks for the reminder. So needed.
Great post Melissa - even though I read Geneen Roth's book six months ago, twice, I still find it difficult to consistantly "partner" with my emotions. I'm trying though.....
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