1-2-3 Magic: I Hate to be Pushy, but Read This Book

"We know you love your kids, but for many reasons it is critically important that you also like and enjoy your kids-every day" 1-2-3 Magic: Effective Discipline for Children 2-12

I don't want to give plugs for any books, but this one has sold 1.25 million copies, been translated into 20 languages over the last several years has been the #1 child discipline book on amazon. I wish I had read it a year or two ago, it's got all the best points of so many books I've read put succinctly. Dr. Phelan gives advice on what he believes are the 3 jobs of any parent 1.Control obnoxious behavior, 2. Encourage good behavior and 3.Strengthen the Relationship with your Kids.

One of the things that I've been wondering about, and really the question that started my parenting "question-journey" is how do I control my frustration? Should I be trying to parent without ever yelling? Is it possible? Can I be effective? Dr. Phelan's answer is an emphatic, no-holds-barred yes. In fact, he says the two biggest parenting mistakes are too much talk and too much emotion (like the Neutral Face advice, but simpler). His technique of counting slowly to 3 and then sending kids to timeout if they don't stop the obnoxious behavior is genius. If done right, it can't not work. I've put it at the top of my tool belt. So has Ian.

I love that he covers a whole bunch of scenarios- what if your kid pees on the floor in timeout or trashes the room? What if you're in the car or at a restaurant? What if a crowd's watching? What if your kid mocks as you count? He's got a solution for everything. It's great.

Another thing that I really appreciated was that this book isn't wordy, preachy, meandery, redundant and anecdotal like almost every other parenting book on the market. It's clear, simple and impactful (more here). I actually speed read it during naptime and started applying it that night. I have never intentionally recommended a book before, but I have to break my rule on this one: Every parent needs to read this. (I do have to say the age range of 2-12 is a bit dicey. It only half-works on my little guys. I'm sure in a few more months we'll be good.)

I believe the most important job, the one that makes the others much easier is the third one- strengthening relationships with my kids. With our preschool days open for me to shape, what's the best way to choose how to spend our time that keeps them happy, me sane, my kids learning and growing, and all of us connected?

The Oxymoron of Scheduling Time with Young Children and 10 Reasons to Still Use a Schedule

"Babies (and children) are always more trouble than you thought, and more wonderful" Charles Osgood

Can I be honest about something? It sometimes feels like scheduling with kids is a bit of an oxymoron, because kids aren't mini-adults, they're kids. And sometimes they don't feel like arttime, and they are perfectly happy playing together instead of moving onto the next thing, and they nap an extra long/short time and/or need to visit the doctor.
I'm learning that what I'm creating is more of a flexi-plan, complete with alternative ideas and room for interruptions. As crazy as it sounds, just being aware of how we use our time sometimes helps us to find better ways to spend it, and despite the unpredictability I still find the schedule to be valuable because:


1. I'm more purposeful about the way we use our time, which brings satisfaction, fulfillment and a sense of accomplishment similar to when I was working full-time. I'm aware of what we are doing, instead of what we aren't doing, so I don't feel like we "did nothing" all day.
2. It creates a battery of activities as alternatives for each other to switch and swap as needed. So if bakingtime doesn't work out one day, I find if it was on the list usually a moment will be right for it at some point during the week.
3. It shows me what blocks of time are "free" for play which will be dictated, in part, by how our day is going. The research I'm doing continues to underline how crucial playtime is for my kids, and important it is to protect it.
4. The odd times when practically nothing goes wrong and we can enjoy most of the things on the schedule, I love that we were prepared to take advantage of the fine winds and turn a good day into a great day.
5. On the days when nothing goes right, I know that there are ups and downs and tomorrow will, very likely, be a better day.
6. It makes my day go smoother in general because I know roughly what it's shape will be even if it's impossible to nail down the details.
7. It helps me get out the door and anticipate how best to do my errands by grouping them together.
8. It helps me balance out our activities so we don't do the same thing all the time. I continue to be amazed by how much there is to do at home with kids this age!
9. It helps me make sure we are spending time connecting together and building our relationships because I visually see how much "fun" time we have together.
10. It seems to be helping me kids be more calm because they are understanding that we are grouping our activities into sections. If they ask to do something, I often tell them that we'll finish it after snacktime, quiettime, etc. They don't seem to argue with me much about it.

A Place for Everything- the Binder that Rocks the House

"I enjoy an organized lifestyle because it helps me get what I want. Good home management skills provide a cheerful background for living. A well-managed home eliminates much tension and irritability." Denise Schofield Confessions of an Organized Homemaker

I first learned about the power of planners from Denise Schofield. She's a big believer in 1. writing down goals (run a marathon, take a cooking class, have more obedient children :)- 2. making a to-do list that includes steps to reaching those goals as well as other things that need doing 3. plugging those to-do items down on a time-map/ schedule.

Some version of that system is advised by tons of other experts. I love Jamie C. Martin's take on the mom binder in Steady Days, and recently compiled a binder for myself and my lovely feedback-ladies. I sewed the covers out of oilcloth- they're not going up for sale on etsy any time soon, but they sure stay clean and I loved the colours.

A one stop shop for blank day schedules, my ideas page, a place for goals, my to-do list, a section for each child, my church service: it's changing my life. When I have a minute at the doctor's or before bed, I will write down a quick moment/cute thing that my kids are doing. I love recording those because I know I'll forget them; I never had a place before now. I put recipes and other odds and ends that looking interesting in plastic sleeves. Each night when I do our schedule for the next day, including a grocery list if I'm going shopping, I check for ideas.

Also, can I tell you that I brought it to Caleb's physical therapy appointment yesterday? Can I tell you how impressed the therapist was when she saw me place the handouts she gave me securely inside a binder and was doubly impressed when I took notes on her suggestions in my binder. I can now quickly access everything and put it into my daily schedule. She couldn't believe it. I kid you not, when she saw how seriously and professionally I was taking her job and my job she offered an additional FREE session so we could cover things we didn't get to that day.

I'm still working on getting some monthly calendars in there and accepting the reality that there just isn't enough time to do everything I want. But seriously, it's just given me a little extra help that's gone a long way when I really needed it. Nicole and Char I will be sending them to you next week.

"When I have things running smoothly, our home is the happiest, most peaceful place I know"- Denise Schofield

More Simple Projects- a Bear Pillow

"Play brings together head, heart and hand. It is fundamental to each and every one of us and although it may change as we mature, it never completely disappears from our lives... play equips children ... to reach their full potential in the world." Creative Play for your Toddler, Steiner Waldorf Expertise and Toy Projects for 2-4years
Children thrive on play, kid-driven sections of the day where they can discover and explore. This is the message that I am getting from all the parenting books that I'm reading, and nowhere is it more clear than in the books with the Waldorf slant (which are suprisingly a lot right now from a wide variety of experts) That guy really seems all about protecting childhood and letting children develop at their own pace, an idea I've been working to implement in moderation just to help my kids be more calm. After we cut back on the out-of-home activities on our slate I had to get over my initial panic of what on earth am I going to do with my kids all morning/afternoon. I continue to be surprised that there is more than enough to keep my kids playing happily.
This book has some great ideas for home activities, including helping children get deeper into their imaginative play by making, (with mom) real life items for their dolls- clothes, hats, dishes, food, houses, curtains, trucks anything (cereal boxes, toilet paper/paper towel rolls all could have been materials of choice). Per my mantra I skipped their complicated ones and created an easy project I had items for. Using leftover fabric, old quilt batting I've inexplicably had for 2 years, large yarn needles and thick thread, we made bear pillows!

My kids absolutely loved this activity! I showed them how to sew (and tried to supervise them so things didn't get ugly) and they were totally captivated while they worked on hand-eye/fine motor skills. We had to do it over 2 days and they asked about it non-stop. They had so much fun tucking their bears into bed with them and talking to them during quiet time. Now they want to make blankets and beds and a house... these projects could keep us busy for awhile.

Resourcefulness and an Endless Supply of Projects

"Giving things and materials a second life as something else can be one of the most satisfying of creative expressions" Amanda Blake Soule, the Creative Family: How to Encourage Imagination and Nurture Family Connections

One of the best pieces of advice I've gleaned from my reading is the power of resourcefulness. In the Creative Family, Soule describes her maternal grandmother who raised her children alone during the Great Depression with virtually no income in rural Maine. Despite their impoverished circumstances their lives were filled with love, adventure and creativity. "Nothing was thrown away, and everything was given new life as something else once its original purpose was complete."
Being resourceful with my kids is genius: it helps me come up with projects on the spot because I don't have to do any prep time or pick up any materials. It saves us money and keeps my kids humming happily, but most importantly resourceful nurtures creativity. A box becomes a candy house or a boat, a drinking straw is a roof on a card decoration, yesterday's newspaper is a cafe menu or a crown. When my kids have to come up with the building blocks for a scarecrow or turn a cereal box into a boat they are learning lots. That motivated problem-solving rivals anything an expert could come up with to develop their minds and imaginations.

Soule encourages using leftover food (beans, grains), leaves, pinecones, bark, garbage (as in trash! think of great art pieces made out of recyclables), old clothes, rocks, etc. Over the years I've purchased scrapbooking supplies, a hobby I don't always have much time to do anymore. I've been repurposing some old items for their projects. Last week they made a "candy house" and yesterday they made thank you cards for their grandparents and great-grandparents. I was amazed- they did everything on their own- using bits of yarn, ribbon, even independently thought up the idea of using a leftover drinking straw for a roof. They're really getting it- the sky's the limit for fun projects when we think of ways to use what's on hand.

Block Party and Simple Parenting

"Children's play flourishes when we let it, rather than make it happen" Simplicity Parenting: Using the Extraordinary Power of Less to Raise Calmer, Happier and More Secure Kids

Over the weekend our new neighborhood had a Block Party! It's the first one I've been to and I loved the casual easiness of it as everyone gathered on the street and just hung out. It was nearly an all day event and we were there for 4+ hours with a bounce house, slide, pinata and the teenagers on the street playing for the families. I love activities like this- easy, fun, simple, we just let our kids play and play and play and they cried when it was time to go. It was a side of Los Angeles I hadn't seen before, families and people of all ages in a community interacting and enjoying.



When I look back on the things I've read so far, across the board a common theme from the experts is that parents need to simplify life. Simplify life to connect with kids more, to not push them into too many stressful activities/events, to decipher what they really need, to keep their emotional tanks full and verbalize the positive things they are doing. Scheduling our day has been huge for me, mostly because I come ready to "be there" for them. I'm working on some big charts for my kids, a binder for me, and a checklist of all the goals I'm working on to take it one step further.
But there are still days when they resist my requests, and I want to continue to bring more peace to our home. While I realize it's not necessary, I'm curious to see what the experts say, if there are more tools I can use. I still have a lot of books to get through...

Einstein Never Used Flashcards- the Beauty of the Everyday

"research overwhelmingly shows that a child’s intellectual awakening takes place during the normal adult-child interactions that occur in everyday, purposeful activities" Einstein Never Used Flashcards: How Our Children Really Learn, Kathy Hirsh-Pasek, Phd and Roberta Michnik Golinkof

I have loved reading Einstein Never Used Flashcards just to get a bit more information about how my kids learn. The basic premise of their book, like so many others I'm reading right now, is that kids need to slow it down and have more interactions with their parents or other caretakers instead of doing lots of classes, activities, etc. They de-bunk some popular myths out there, like listening to Mozart makes your kids smarter, using flashcards and memorizing things works, babies can "add and subtract", and providing an "enriched" environment makes kids more brainy. That last myth came from a study about rats- rats who lived in cages with lots of toys and slides had bigger brains than those who didn't, but what the media didn't publicize is that the rats with the best brains of all were the ones who lived in their natural environment.
Their premise is that kids who are involved in everyday activities with their parents and caretakers have the environment most conducive to how they will learn and develop best.
The other day when we did bakingtime, I was very aware of providing my kids with stimulation and interaction in everyday activities. The problem is that I decided we needed to involve everyone and put in tons of things- pureed carrots, pureed peaches, Craisins, flax etc.- and we all lost it. I was so frustrated by the end I knew that wasn't good either.
So next time I'm going to keep it simple- no point getting too ambitious with any of the activities we are doing.

Charla and Nicole, thanks for leaving a comment! I'm going to send both of you a starter Steady Days binder ;)

Ideas for Planning a Steady Day With Young Children

"All of us know that our children quickly pick up on our stress and attitude, even when it is unspoken... How perceptive my children are; nothing slips by them. This is my motivation to stay organized. It's hard to be cheerful when you're running late... If I'm feeling pressured, I am less gentle, less attentive, and less pleasant to be around. Organization is a priority for me because it blesses my children" Jamie C. Martin, Steady Days: A Journey Toward Intentional, Professional Motherhood
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I used to feel like a deer caught in the headlights a lot during the day- what do we do next? But following the ideas from Steady Days and seeing each day in visual has helped a lot. I seriously love this schedule idea! Before going to bed I pick up one of my basic print out sheets and sketch in the plan-here's a typed sample because I'm messy with my pages. I usually have my planner so I can work in things from my to-do lists and put down any appointments we might have. I also check my ideas page listing all the 'times': Storytime, Arttime, Learningtime, Free Play, etc. A lot of them I only get to once or twice a week, so it's nice to mix it up so we can get to the important things ;)

I don't let myself get frustrated or irritated if we don't stick to it exactly because I know that it's a blueprint, a starting place, for hitting all the things I want to do that day. Seeing those finite little blocks helps me realize that there is only so much time; but over the course of a week we usually can get to everything important. I still need discipline to get up and keep things moving at a gentle, but steady pace (more on that later). Because I work a little from home and have help that comes a couple times a week I don't have a ton of housework. Martin, the Steady Days author, also says it's hard to create a schedule other than something quite basic if there's a baby in the home less than six months.

My goal is to use the schedule every day for 28 days so I can make it a habit. Has anyone else tried this schedule thing? If you leave a comment with some feedback before Monday I will pick someone to send a starter binder like the one I'm putting together for myself complete with a supply of daily planner sheets and a spot to write Mom's Favorite Moments. Martin has also posted a bunch of resource pages here that are great.

Throwing in the Banana- Sometimes this Mom Just Wants to Give Up

Last week I was having a sweet, snuggly moment with l'il Chrish when suddenly my head whiplashed with pain. My eyes smarted and cheek throbbed like I had been slapped. Caleb had thrown a banana from across the room dead at me. Hard.

What child, completely unprovoked, clocks their own mother? Obviously I'm doing something totally wrong and all of this hard, painful, excruciating research and work is useless.

I could almost taste the anger in my mouth I was so blindingly enraged. Just when I was about to lose it the anger gave way a bit to weariness: weariness at trying so hard and still feeling so far away from the answers. And then, just maybe if I thought about it a certain way, under the weariness I felt a tender kind of strength. Roth (Women Food and God) may be onto something because somehow as I took a sec to feel the emotion it melted away and I was able to handle the situation with a new tack I've been working on: Be focused, firm and sharp as a tack as I 1.try to get at the "incident's" concern which was: Caleb was hungry and wanted me to open the banana for him, after which I 2.pound home the message that: It's Never OK to hit, kick, throw things, or otherwise be rude and harmful because that really, really hurt me and 3.we need to Always Use our Words. Next time say "mom, I'm hungry, can you help me with this?"

Luckily, very, very luckily, something good happened next. Head hanging, Caleb said "I'm sorry mom." My heart melted. That was the sweetest, most tender and unsolicited sorry my little son has ever said. And it all happened without shouting.

So in the end my son pounded me and I didn't even wind up punishing him; instead we hugged. Somehow, some way, I found the energy to straggle on through the moment with my 3 little steps. Some would shudder and say I'm just rewarding him. But my son is as confused as am I about why he acts this way at times; controlling himself and naming his need are learned skills. If I want him to use words instead of lashing out I need to model it for him (and see just how hard it can be)!

I hope I'm on the right track here, sometimes I don't know. There's no dress rehearsals, no second chances, no fast forwarding 10+ years to see what kind of habits my kids have. Parenting is ruthless like that. It's just one little teaching moment at a time, and my kids aren't the only students.
ps. next time I'm going to post a sample schedule. if anyone else has been trying it, please get ready to leave me some feedback! I would totally appreciate it!

Top Ten List of Things to Do at Home with Kids- 1. Dance Party!

"The therapists advised us to keep (our son) moving, so we put on fifties rock ' roll and dropped our butts. "Dance party!" we'd call out after dinner, and head for the living room. Chubby Checker entered the pantheon, displaced Raffi, made "Splish Splash" our favorite song.. We twirled around, did flailing jumping jacks and somersaults, danced the twist, the swim, and the pony. What began as therapy for a three-year-old turned into play for a family, a nightly ritual of music and movement and fun. And slowly, almost imperceptibly, our anxiety over our son's issues and problems was transformed..." Katrina Kenison, The Gift of an Ordinary Day

I have to admit, dance parties feel like they should be impromptu and spontaneous, but usually if I'm not thinking about them or making a teensy bit of effort to plan them, like Katrina Kenison, they just don't happen. And a day with a dance party is a good day because you can't dance without smiling really big. At least we can't. Short, sweet, no mess, no special ingredients, no arguing... just a few minutes of laughter and silliness to pick up our spirits and have fun together. Our favorite songs are Tonight's Going to be a Good Night by Black Eyed Peas and Let's Dance by Lady Gaga. Also Me and Julio Down by the Schoolyard by Paul Simon.
I'm coming up with quite a list I work off when I'm scheduling our days. Will post a sample soon.

"L'arte d'arrangiarsi"- Simple Projects with My Kids

"There’s (a) wonderful Italian expression: l’arte d’arrangiarsi – the art of making something out of nothing. The art of turning a few simple ingredients into a feast, or a few gathered friends into a festival. Anyone with a talent for happiness can do this..." Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat Pray Love

I once bought 'idea' cards listing fun activities to do with kids using household items. Sensory boxes, flashlight exploration, ball jars, crumpled newspaper in handkerchiefs... They all sounded good but unfortunately the flashlight batteries were always dead, I couldn't find anything resembling a handkerchief and none of the balls fit in the jars I had. The kicker was that if I actually did pull it together my kids rarely got interested! When I was baking they loved to smell the spices, but if I gave them cinnamon sticks in a sensory box they ran away. I often felt irritated they didn't appreciate my efforts.

I'm learning that sometimes simple is really the best way to get to special, and focusing on my kids is a much better way to spend the morning than focusing on a handkerchief-hunt. The last thing I want to do is feel irritated, but so often I find my patience wearing when I'm getting an activity together, or hurrying my kids out the door to get to a playdate, a museum, or a park. While going places, meeting friends and being busy are all wonderful and necessary, I sometimes feel they don't allow me to really connect with my kids because we're too busy being entertained to interact. That being said, we do need a bit of a plan because we all have fun, connect with each other and behave better when we find "something to do"- an activity of sorts. I'm learning this activity needs to be easy, require zero prep time, and no special "ingredients". In other words, amidst all the chaos of our lives, I need to whip up "something out of nothing", what the Italians call l'arte d'arrangiarsi- turning a "few ingredients into a feast and a few friends into a festival".

Yesterday I had planned to stay home in the morning so I could be with my kids, but when we do this I also try to keep it stress-free by not planning anything specific. One time we made a Hot Chocolate Cafe, another time we "went fishing". But today when we finished getting ready for the day I paniced: I literally could not think of anything for us to do! Slowly, I took a deep breath and listened to what was happening in the moment. My guys seemed up for a little project, nothing big but something they could sink their teeth into. I looked around and happened to see an old lamp we were getting rid of just sitting out on the driveway. I saw one of my boys carrying Peter Rabbit and remembered during storytime last week they'd asked a lot of questions about what a scarecrow was. Something told me the lamp would be the perfect scarecrow stand. L'arte d'arrangiarsi. When everyone responded with enthusiasm to "making a scarecrow," we got started.

With Beatrix Potter's scarecrow drawing as reference, my boys helped me find a random cardboard tube for the arms. Julian solved the problem of how to attach it to the stand by going inside the house and coming back with an extra firewire computer cable we had sitting around (how oddly genius!) It was strong yet flexible to work with.

Caleb brought shoes with laces like the picture and Julian set up the pants with a coat hanger. They coloured in hands and ripped a paper for the face, which was a little small but the right shape. They drew in the face themselves. Their little brothers hung around and helped out, just happy to be a part of the action. I was surprised at how 'into it' they were as they went beyond the picture to come up with their own creations. They stayed engaged when I stepped back to let them try to solve the problems, jumping in only when they got frustrated. In the end, who knew a junky old lamp, cardboard tube, and firewire cable could turn into a free, easy hour of fun and a way to connect with my sons? At one point I got a little giggly when they were working together to put on the jacket and started singing "What works? TeamWork! What works? Teamwork!" (I have no idea where that came from...) because I thought I felt a teeny, tickly sprinkling of l'arte d'arrangiarsi magic hit us just right then.
I realize that sometimes it doesn't all work out like that, but sometimes it does and I'm so glad I try! I've learned the key is to listen to my kids- what are they interested in right now? Are they asking questions about something? What does the day feel like? What do we have lying around? Keeping it simple and focusing on the fact that we just want to do something together, no matter what it is, has taken me a long way from the frustration of my idea cards. If I use what's within arm's reach, listen to the moment and follow my kids' lead, I have a feeling we'll continue to go to some pretty magic places... together..