How do you know if you're Crazy?

Isabel makes my life easy in so many ways- I can go to Costco and Target by myself and doctor and dentist appointments are no problem. In some ways my life is easier than people who have less kids but no child care because I don't have to worry about bringing my kids along or dropping them with a friend. But recently Ian and I decided we needed to cut back Isabel's days. His company has told everyone not to expect raises or bonuses next year, and sometimes I've caught myself feeling like Isabel is a bit of a luxury and maybe not quite as much of a necessity as she was a year ago. A lot of people are cutting back on their child care, so I've (hopefully) found someone to do a nanny share and pick up two of her four days that we have her. But I was worried about one of my favorite things about having Isabel- I can take my kids to Disneyland.
Since we live in Southern California we can get the Disneyland annual passes and I've taken Caleb and Julian about once a month or once every couple of weeks for half a day at a time while Isabel watches Jack and Christian at home. Caleb and Julian have hit a stage of life where if they get out of supervised eyeline for even a minute, you can be sure they're doing something destructive. Like squirting liquid dish detergent all over the Christmas tree, or putting on an apron, pretending to be a chef, and dumping an entire Costco size bottle of olive oil into the waffle batter, or hiding in the closet, pushing against the sliding door, and breaking the $500 door size mirror that covered the door. And don't get me started on the carpet and walls. They don't really mean to be naughty, they're always very sorry and really they're just trying to play and satisfy their curiosity about the world but in the process they are completely trashing our home. Disneyland is wonderful because it's about a 45 minute drive out there, and they always travel well because they're so excited to be going, and once they're there they can run around and ride on rides and there's always something to see that we haven't yet and basically they're in heaven. Just looking around tires them out. It activates their imagination and gets them telling me stories about the different characters, yes, it's one of the wonderful things about living here.

So since we have less Isabel and I want her focusing on more of the housekeeping tasks, I decided that it's just time for me to be brave and try going to Disneyland on my own with my four kids. I've watched one of my friends in particular bring her three kids places that I think would be impossible and it's gotten me thinking about where my limits really are. So many people think I'm crazy even to just take my four out for a walk, and have told me so to my face. But it's really not that bad. There's such a trend to encourage us not to exhaust ourselves, an emphasis on the importance of finding 'me time' and how things should be easier than they are in reality. I think about everything our pioneer ancestors did- their limitations were definitely in a different place then mine. And for some reason I think it often makes me feel more stressed out than relaxed when I hear people telling me to take it easy all the time. I decided to put my crazy plan into practice and give Disneyland a try, enlisting the help of two of my friends who also have a stomach for adventure a la mommy variety. So we found ourselves as 3 adults with nine children- a 4 year old, three 3year olds, a 2 1/2er, and four babies all going to Disneyland one Wednesday afternoon.
The night before I was so nervous I couldn't sleep. What if all my kids melted down at once? What if someone fell out of the stroller and we had to call an ambulance? What if I collapsed while carrying Jack and Christian at the same time? Would my children be scarred for life? But the alternative also scared me- not only do my kids need something to do for part of the day, but it's also kind of sad and lonely to be at home by myself day after day while the rest of the world is out there... living. And I knew I had nothing to lose, if we couldn't make it out of the parking lot, we'd just pack up and drive home. Even the ride would be getting the kids out of the house for awhile.
So the next day I packed a ton of snacks, changed Jack and Christian's diapers while praying they didn't poo before we got home, loaded the quad stroller, secured all four car seats, took a deep breath, and got on the freeway.

Well, all I can say is that we had a total blast. It exceeded my best expectations. It helped that our kids know each other well and loved playing together while we waited in line. It also helped that there were three moms to shepherd the children, doing it alone would have been very difficult. It also helped that because Caleb has a cast right now we got a Handicap pass, and even though sometimes it didn't save a lot of time, it was really nice to just stand in one place, keeping babies in a stroller, instead of herding our kids through a line. The whole park was dolled up for Christmas, the Small World ride was amazing and overall it was just really, really fun. We got a lot of stares and 'wow, you're crazy' from the staff, but really, I didn't mind. I'm glad that I didn't let that crazy line make me stay home and miss one of the best days of our month so far.
I think that motherhood is a lot about finding where the limits are- in patience, kindness, physical energy, they're constantly being tested and expanded on a daily basis. Who knows where the boundaries really are? On the other hand, I don't want to push my luck. Let's just say that DisneyWorld on my own... now that's definitely not happening. ;)

An amazing baby story

Wow, this is such an amazing story from my sister in law Charla, especially appropriate for this Thanksgiving time. Please read!

Running the River- a New Year's Resolution that actually got achieved

Ian ran his first marathon over the weekend! He ran up in Sacramento's Run the River marathon whose trail sidles up along the American River. It was a gorgeous time of year to run with all the fall foliage out. If you knew his exercise habits over the last six years since we moved to LA, and before, you'd know that this was a really huge accomplishment for him. We are so proud of him!! It wasn't always easy to get in all of his training sessions, and it's a miracle he was able to do the marathon, but somehow he managed to pull off the whole 26.53 miles! Yeay! I can't believe he actually did his New Year's Resolution...


Last Christmas/New Year's Ian and I were relaxing with his family and my family over the break. Ian read Michael Pollard's Omnivore's Dilemma and was so inspired to make some changes in our food choices that we set a goal to start eating local produce. Eating healthier also inspired him to make some changes in his exercise routine, and he decided to work towards something... say a marathon perhaps. Actually, he set the goal to run a half marathon, which was still a big goal, and the fact that he did even more is so impressive to me. I had my goal to nurse my twins exclusively for one year, and we also made a family goal to have Love at Home (this is practically our family mantra now).

When we got home because I'm a little scrapper now I made a 'goal board' that hung in our room. It was the last thing we saw each night and first thing we saw in the morning. I put everything up there except my nursing goal- I just couldn't find a photo I felt comfortable with at the time. I put up Ian's long standing goal to produce his Western. It's really great to look at it now and see that we've accomplished (almost) all the things we set out to. We've been eating out of our CSA box all year, learning how to cook comfortably with chard, cabbage and kale (finally! although we never really got okra) and loving all the fresh, seasonal, organic veggies. We're holding FHE each week, and trying to have Love at Home (that's one of those nebulous goals, I should probably choose something more specific, although I don't know what that would be- only five fights per day??). Ian is still working on producing his movie, but he's made so much progress I think we can pretty much count that one.

It's almost time to make a new goal board for next year. I'm so grateful for all the opportunities that 2009 has given us! It's been an amazing year and I feel so excited to see what we'll choose to work on next year!

My Priority is Figuring out My Priorities...

One of my huge frustrations over the past few months has been that I have sooo many things that I want/need to do that I'll start on thing A, then that doesn't seem nearly as important as thing B, which then seems to pale in importance to thing C, and on it goes. My to-do list is insanely long, but I just haven't been able to figure out what to cut back because everything seems important. Some things non-urgent items have been on my list for over a year, like getting a new ironing board. At the top of my list are doctor's visits, these are my big time sucker. Since Caleb and Julian were born so heart-stoppingly early they're followed by a fleet of doctors. Some of them we only see once a year, and others we see bi-weekly. And then I've got my medium pressing items, like getting flu shots for everyone, calling about health insurance snags, getting to Costco, getting the oil changed, reading daily with my kids, paying bills, tracking expenses, unpacking the new stage of clothes, packing up the old stage of clothes, making healthy food, taking photos, organizing photos, not to mention trying to shower, spending more than 2 seconds doing my hair, working for the church from home on occasion, getting the kids some outside time, reading the news every once in a blue moon, trying to exercise, get a haircut, date nights with Ian, the occasional service project, church activity, playdate, visiting teaching, reading my scriptures, building my community, corresponding with my extended family... just thinking about it all makes my head explode.
The worst thing is when I talk to different people, different priorities are hi-lited are hi-lited: "oh, exercise makes you feel so much better and then you can be a better mom!" or "it's so important to read to your children every day! their brains are developing so much and you don't want to miss the window" and "oh I wish I took more photos of my kids when they were small, they grew up so fast and I wish I has some albums!" and "it is so important to do your hair. It affects people's whole attitude about you " and "date nights are really important to your marriage when you have young children, even just a couple times a month are vital" and "you can't afford not to get a flu shot! We can't have you down for a few days" and "even when you're really busy, it's so important to serve others".
I hate feeling frustrated that I can't get to everything, and the last thing that I want to sacrifice as a mom is my temperament. Crabby moms are often doing too much... but it doesn't seem like they have a choice! I brought up my frustrations at a recent Parents of Multiples meeting. On tap was a psychologist who specializes in the stresses of having twins. I was hoping that someone would have tips about how to multi-task or use their time really, really effectively. Au contraire, this lady said that most twin moms seem to be A-type personalities (why is it that we always hear about the A-types... I'd like to hear the B-types or C-types or G-types pipe in every once in awhile...) with these really long list of goals and things we want to do (ahem) and we have to accept that fact that we are only going to be able to get a few of these goals done. Maybe per year. Period. End of story.
For about two seconds I resisted the notion that I had to cut down on my list. But I was too tired to really resist and before I knew it I started letting things go... I still have goals, it's just that I cut back on how much I do them. I only bring out my camera a couple times a week now, I've cut waaay back on scrapbooking, which meant that I had to say good-bye to my Project 365 (I had done it for a year though, I just stopped being insane enough to want to do it for a second year). I style my hair once a month, I only exercise a few minutes here and there, and despite what doctors tell me, I've cut back on how much we see them. I feel bad admitting that I'm so OK with these teensy goals, but for the first time in years my guilt and frustrations have melted away.
Somehow we had a really great Hallowe'en month this year. We missed two fun parties, my hair was super wacky, I had to postpone some doctors appointments, and as you can see I haven't blogged in forever, but I FEEL awesome. When a doctor's appointment ended really early I hadn't stacked my schedule like usual so with our free time we hit the Beverly Hills library and found wonderful Halloween books that set the tone for the whole Halloween month. We planned ahead to go to the pumpkin patch on a free Saturday and didn't schedule anything else that day. I found out about a trick or treat event at a retirement home just a few blocks from us and met up with a bunch of friends for a service project with our kids. Ian took a day off work and we hit Disneyland to check out the decorations, which were awesome, and we enjoyed our family day. And on the 31st it just felt easier to go trick or treating in our neighborhood instead of trunk or treating and Ian and I even dressed up for the first time in years at the request of our kids. (Caleb asked me if I could be Snow White) We met awesome neighbors and the boys had a blast trick or treating. I'm not exactly sure how I did all that, but I know that it had something to do with cutting down my expectations and enjoying my time with my kids. I've decided that whoever says you can do it all is only lying a little. I guess I can do it all, as long as my list only has a couple things on it.

the DIY movement, Puente style

I love having our nanny, Isabel, help me out four days a week. I've just got too many doctor's visits and safety issues to cut her back, but having full-time help isn't something many families on one income do because it definitely comes at a cost. Over the past year I've been looking at creative ways to save money and have come up with quite a list of crazy things that somehow 'work' for our situation. All of them are a bit of a hassle, but save quite a bit overall because I went for high expenses and quick substitutes.


For example, I had my goal to nurse for one year which I did (and am still doing!) I made my goal and never bought formula! I also don't buy baby food (well, maybe once or twice and we went through it before you could blink), but make everything the babies eat. It would be quite a hassle to chop and cut those fruits and veggies for just one baby, but somehow it seems easy (did I say easy? easiER) to make food for two and the savings add up. I also use old cloth diapers every now and then for about a week. We never hire sitters, but instead do sitter-swaps with friends. For dates we've been going on bike rides and walks and getting movie tickets from Costco. I've made our own yogurt for the babies and as a buttermilk substitute in pancakes and waffles, Ian makes our syrup and for the past few months and I recently went through my closet and started making a few repairs and accessory purchases rather than buying a new post-preggers wardrobe. I'm surprised that once I got it out of my head to solve problems by making a purchase, the world of funky DIY has opened to me. I always see if I can make it myself, recycle something, or use craigslist.
SO, the newest thing I have to add to the list is studio photos. I love having recent, nice photos of my kids and our family. A couple weeks ago I realized I could save on ever paying for a photographer again if I just learned how to use the Nikon D80 camera Ian got me for my birthday awhile back. Then I wouldn't have to make appointments and drive out somewhere and risk multiple meltdowns! I found an online class, which was perfect for me because I didn't have to be anywhere, by Maggie Holmes, a famous scrapbooker and professional photographer. The class was a bit of an investment, but it was equal to or way less than the cost of a location family shoot so I feel like I came out ahead. I just did my first family photo swap too. I took photos for our friends the Taylors and then Justin, who also recently took a photography class, took photos of us. We all came out with so many good shots. I thought they turned out well and look forward to doing another one. I'll try to post more later.


I also finally learned how to use my camera. Let's just say it's embarrassing how little I knew about it. I'm still perfecting a few things, like focus, but I got to practice a lot on my kids and when they got sick of that, on friends in the area. Here are some other shots. I have learned a ton and loved every minute of it! I'll try to post more later, I have quite a few good ones!




Now if I can only figure out how to get myself ready with hair done and makeup on before 7pm at night... wonder if there's a DIY solution for that.

the Bermuda Triangle

I just want you to know that it's so not you. It's me.

You are perfection itself.

Designed by Malia Mills, whose swimsuits typically run for hundreds of dollars, you just happened to be part of a special refined casual line Malie created for the affordable Martin + Osa. As if that wasn't too good to be true, you were on sale. I was incredibly lucky to snap you up. Our love affair began the first time I tried you on. You were a mix of fabrics that made me feel amazing and look about as good as I can possibly look in a swimsuit, except better. That one time I wore you was the most comfortable and relaxed swimsuit experience of my life. In fact I think it's my first public swimsuit experience in about six years. I still remember how odd it felt that I loved being in a bathing suit.

So I don't want you to take it personally. The thing is, before I had kids, I didn't understand it myself. If, say, a certain three year old had gotten into the glitter stash and dumped glitter all over his bed, his room, the bathroom, and the kitchen table, I would have listened politely as his mom moaned about spending hours vacuuming, wiping, shaking sheets, pillowcases and duvets over an apartment building balcony like they did in the 30s before rinsing out all linens and children involved in the disaster, only to find the glitter was still all over her house, including her tupperware and her toilet paper and her teeth. All the while I would have wondered privately why she didn't just put her glitter in a safer place. Probably everyone else who is not a mom of three year olds currently, or was a mom to a three year old within the past couple years before the amnesia sets in, would have wondered right along with me. Most of those not included in this category would have nodded in sympathy.
And, while we're making confessions, I should also mention my cell phone has been in my physical possession only four days in the past sixty, and my day planner/wallet is flattened because it got run over a couple times after I left it on top of my van and then drove away. A sharp turn on Sepulveda and Santa Monica left it for roadkill. Miraculously, my angels saw fit to have a very kind, complete stranger rescue it at great peril to his life and get in touch with me by calling the phone number on the last scrap of paper in there, which happened to be to the physical therapy office I frequent. Even more miraculously, everything important in there remained intact. Hundreds of other items are being pulled away by that special force that is turning my life upside down right now, including earrings, toothbrushes, necklaces, one of the diamonds in my brand new replacement-wedding-ring...

The weird thing is that somehow, in the past couple months, all the things that I really need are still here. My children, my health, my husband, my ATM cards, but anything that is one step removed seems to be fair game. So I wasn't surprised that you completely disappeared one day. I have my theories... but honestly there is no clear answer to what happened to you. Despite the fact that I turned every nook and cranny in my home upside down looking for you, it's been weeks and I know in my heart that you have left me, taken by the force that makes my crazy.

So wherever you are, I just want you to know that I still think about you every day. I miss you. Ours was a match made in heaven, and a separation from more than just little hands or my own forgetfulness; it's my own personal Bermuda Triangle.

Dramedic Cake Adventures

This is the cake that I wanted to make Jack and Christian for their first Birthday. It's from a Martha Stewart Baby magazine I bought like 9 years ago.

Sailboat Cake- This glossy sea of dreams is made to delight even the most land-locked little boy. Fluffy icing, tinted the gentlest blue, is scalloped into waves around the sides of a chocolate cake that's swimming with fish cookies. A homemade paper sailboat crests the frothy waves of the cake's surface

Caitlin Flanagan hit the nail on the head when she said, "I fall mute and wondering at the pages of Martha Stewart Living."

If grown women had a fairy tale book, it would be Martha Stewart Omnimedia. Suspended in time and space on glossy magazine pages these images whisper of a beautiful world where fluffy icing is scalloped into waves swimming with fish cookies. But reading the instructions is a jolt of cold water into reality. Flanagan continues, "Much of the Stewart enterprise, of course, involves a certain level of fantasy and wish fulfillment, having to do not only with the old dreams of wealth and elegance but also with the new one of time. That many of Stewart's projects are time-consuming is in fact part of their appeal... " These projects always call for something obscure, and when the creations do appear in real life, the response is often along the lines of- why the heck did you spend so much time making that? I once handed these very Marthaesque invitations I had made out to a group of friends, and the first thing that one girl (who I didn't know very well by the way but was trying to be inclusive so she got one too) said was, verbatim, "Wow. You have waaay too much time on your hands."

The joy-killers are right. These projects do take an insane amount of time, especially when one has two sets of twins and the project they have settled on calls for four separate recipes involving a frosting tip and piping bag, blue and white sanding sugar, a candy thermometer, an inverted spatula, cake comb, meringue powder, good quality cocoa, and another set of instructions for an origami paper boat with a bamboo skewer. Honestly.

Flanagan says that people appreciate what MS does but nobody actually does it themselves! Nobody except.. well... dreamy quacks like me. A couple times a year I have to dive into one because I LOVE the magic quality that these time-consumers kick out (if you don't know what I'm talking about, go to Disneyland. Creating that fantastic hyper-reality keeps an army of gardeners/repair people busy. But they, of course, get paid for it.) Not that my kids receiving the cake appreciate it, my husband points out. That's true, and unfortunately our child care responsibilities are so demanding that any project I take on he has to shoulder too. I know they're turning ONE, not three, and they're not going to remember a lick of this. But still... I just have to make a Martha Stewart sailboat cake for them. Something inside of me, that sighing, romantic inner me propels me forward, especially after reading this pitch penned by MS staffers: "take a moment to recall your own childhood birthdays. Ask around and you'll discover that for most people, it is not the guests, the place or even the presents that are remembered, but rather the birthday cake. Made by a grandmother, aunt, or parent, a special cake is well worth the effort... it will foster memories that linger for years..." Wow, super syrupy and probably about as true as a happily ever after ending, but I want to believe that the magic and love of a fancy cake will lift someone. Jack and Christian only have their first birthday ONCE IN THEIR LIFE, and I wanted it to be memorable, even if they couldn't remember it. So as irrational as it was, there's no way anyone could talk me down from the ledge.

First stop is the well-stocked Ralph's supermarket, but unfortunately, I discover that sanding sugar, meringue powder, cake combs and inverted spatulas are not to be found. As I'm searching, Caleb and Julian put the entire contents of the baking aisle inside my cart. Sorry Ralph's worker who had to sort out the huge pile of chocolate pudding, lime jello, organic rice flour and peach cups I stacked on top of the bagged kidney beans as I got the heck out of Dodge.

LA is surprisingly very non-craft friendly, even the Michael's in Santa Monica is pretty lame, although they do have cake combs and frosting supplies. Locating a sanding sugar outlet=an errand for Ian. I've already spent about five times what it would have taken to make a sheet cake and I haven't even turned on my oven. A less tenacious mother of two sets of twins would have called it a day, but unfortunately, I am extremely stubborn.

The next day I made the origami sailboats, and the next day I made the sugar cookie dough, with my two little helpers, and the next day, which was the day before the party, I cut the dough into fish shapes using a paring knife and which TAKES FOREVER!! Dealing with sugar cookies is such a mess because it sticks to every surface, even when I use tons of flour, and the dough keeps tearing around the edges when I try to cut it into shapes. Getting through all the dough really took a long time. I'd like to see these frustration photos in MS.

Flanagan said Stewart presents a vision of domesticity that involves as much make-believe as practicality, that is filled with allure and prettiness rather than the drudgery and exhaustion of which we are all so wary...

She's so right about the vision presentation devoid of drudgery. Cutting the cookies was drudgery, and so was shuttling the cookie sheets around to get them all baked, but frosting them was outright tricky. The royal icing, made of meringue powder, didn't want to adhere itself in straight, clean lines like Martha's fish cookies, but got smeary around the edges, and we can't have that magical look happening if the edges are smeary. Plus, my helpers wanted to be involved, so of course, my patience got tested beyond excruciating as they glopped icing on the table and constantly tried to eat it. Although I have to say, overall, they're very sweet and I am trying to keep the experience fun so I couldn't get too mad. After a few deep breaths I finally realized they were perfect sanded-sugar-sprinklers.


After the kiddos went to bed I got to work on the cake batter. This particular cake is a double layer square, and I didn't have two 8 in. square cake pans, of course, nor thought I would ever need a second square cake pan again in my life, so I opted to bake each layer one at a time. The problem was that I guessed way too low when I filled the first pan and wound up cooking too much in the second. It was very late, and after baking the second pan 40 min. longer than the longest recommended time, it still wasn't done so I slid it back in the oven and lay down. The next thing I knew it was 2am and the smell of something burning had roused Ian from a deep sleep. He rushed to save us all from death, which meant he didn't get up for his marathon-training run, which meant that he had to go in the evening instead, which made us all grumpy... this cake was really getting on everyone's nerves.

Despite the fact that I was way more organized that I usually am, there was so much to do the morning of when I looked at the clock as I pulled out the replacement layer, inexplicably there was only one hour before the party was supposed to start. I made the icing that required the candy thermometer, and it got stiff so fast I didn't have time to use the inverted spatula, so in a frantic scramble I just started throwing icing onto the cake with my bare hands. At one point Caleb came up to me and forgot what he was going to say when he looked at me. My eyes were wild, I had icing smeared all over me and I looked like clawwoman because my hands were three times their normal size.


Somehow I managed to comb the cake and stick on the fish cookies and slap on the sailboats. My icing wasn't quite as pliable as I think it was supposed to be, so it wasn't perfect (aargh!) but it looked pretty good.

It was ten minutes to go time and we still had to set everything up. Ian, who had been picking up balloons and tables all morning was begging me to get outside, but I still had to change out of being clawwoman. I told him that everyone is usually late and there was still time; I can't count how many parties we've done over the years where the first guest shows up 30 min. after start time. Except today. Saturday, August 22 wound up being so jam packed with other events that our first guest got there on the dot and two others arrived within five minutes. Everyone was very helpful though, which was perfect because I was frantically able to get it all assembled. But everyone also had to leave early, and so when cake time rolled around there were only about five people left, which was perfect irony. But it was also very nice because the moment was low key, relaxed, and maybe, just maybe, a little bit magical (despite the fact the fish were trying to take off).


Jack and Christian 'played' with their baby friends, and we also pulled out the parachute. The parents got underneath it in a parachute house for a minute with the kids, whose faces were squiggly with delight.





All in all it was a fun party, and a big thanks to everyone who celebrated Jack and Christian's special day with us. They're one! I never thought we'd make it through this year, but somehow we did with enough energy to spend a week making a cake. I'm still working on finding the balance between putting in a lot of effort into something special and finding magic on the fly. While we cleaned up, Ian told me that the cake looked really great. But later, the next day, he asked me if I could make a sheet cake next year. One last Flanagan quote came to mind:
"The Stewart fantasy encompasses the feminine interest in formal weddings and gracious entertaining, but principally—and more powerfully—it turns on a wistful and almost shameful attraction to ironing boards and newly washed crockery and (crazy-insane cake experiences). And on this wan longing, Stewart has built an empire."
I said I'd think about it. It doesn't hurt to indulge the wan longing once a year, does it?

Guess which babies are going to be on Courteney Cox's TV show?

A few weeks ago I was chatting with a mom from my twins group WLAPOM (West LA Parents of Multiples or "Oui La Pomme" as Ian calls it, which, coincidentally is French for "yes, the apple"). This mom told me that twins are very desirable for television work, even if they're not identical. She should know, because her kids booked multiple episodes on a show and they're a boy and a girl. I've never been very attracted to the idea of hauling my kids around to sit and wait at an audition, surrounded by hundreds of other hopeful moms about to get their dreams crushed, but when she told me that she's never done an audition AND all the money they made was set aside for college funds, I decided it wouldn't hurt to check it out.
Several weeks later out of the blue the agent called. Jack and Christian had been selected to attend a "paid interview" for Courteney Cox's series (in it's second season) Cougar Town. They wanted to talk to the moms to see how we were to work with, and the agent's assistant recommended bringing Baby Einstein toys for them to play with so they'd be fun and interactive. Three sets of twins were being interviewed and two sets would be selected to be on multiple episodes so the odds of getting picked were pretty good.
Oh. Ok. I hung up and wasn't exactly sure what my response should be. I chose: I'm not going to make a big deal about this. But then I wasn't sure. Shouldn't I at least try a little to have them get chosen? I vacillated between grilling myself on possible questions and what my responses should be (mental notes went something like this: make sure to tell them the boys were on a USC student film and they LOVED being on set, as did I!! Everyone was thrilled to work with us!!!!) and debating about whether I should give the boys a bath that day because I didn't want to look like I was trying too hard. In the process, I was, of course, making a big deal about it.
When Monday rolled around I had a lot to do! I had to drive out to Van Nuys to the Board of Labor building (which is now closed the 1st, 2nd and 3rd Fridays of the month to cut the state budget deficit) and show the uncaring lady at the desk the kids' birth certificates so she could do up work permits. (It's for TV, whoopdee do she eye-rolled). While we waited I overheard batches of moms with sullen, extra-groomed kids in tow talking about how 'their agents should have faxed it in' and 'you promise it will be ready today? And what's your name?' I had to get Ian to run to the bank on the studio lot and set up a required Coogan account so our kids wouldn't be like little Jackie Coogan whose parents blew his millions and left him penniless when he grew out of his child stardom. Because after all, they could be making millions too. They could!
When we got home I bathed the babies, and then I thought about trying to trim Jack's hair so it would be the same length as Christian's. Ian told me that was way too much, so I tried to get his hair a little more curly so it would at least match more. (We were asked to dress them in matching clothes, but it wasn't necessary). I realized that I had a couple perfectly adequate matching outfits, but they were stained or shrunken a bit and I wanted my kids to look amazing for their first TV opportunity that would be the start of it all!
I rushed to the mall and bought super cute long sleeved shirts and matching overalls with a dog made of buttons on the front (it's for an interview for a TV show! I told the sales clerk. she nodded knowingly). The outfits cost more than the babies were making that day, but I didn't care. I had completely thrown my 'don't make it a big deal' strategy out the window because this had become a VERY BIG HUGE FREAKING DEAL. I hurried back, woke Christian up, dressed them both and headed over to Culver City for 'the interview,' my heart pounding and my palms greasy.
I pulled up to a huge set with hundreds of people milling about. The security guard pointed me to the 2nd Assistant Director. My guess is that she's in her very late thirties, but she looked much older. She was boney and her face was lined with stress wrinkles from a decade of running around on production sets. She smiled tightly and pointed me over to a grassy lawn where two women who were dressed alike held twin boys, also dressed alike. They were standing downwind from a grill that was churning out tons of smoke as it fed the masses seated under shade tents nearby. Somehow I had envisioned an air-conditioned room with couches and more attentive handlers. The other babies were dressed in well worn clothes, they were not wearing brand new outfits. This was not going according to plan. Then two other women, each holding identically matched baby boys, also in casual, well worn clothes, showed up on the lawn. As I was putting Jack and Christian in their stroller, the 2nd AD and another lady walked by and glanced at them, then headed over to the other moms on the lawn. I grabbed some wipes and scrubbed the babies' faces. As I walked up to the lawn the 2nd AD was asking the other moms if they could come tomorrow at 11 and 1:30pm. The other babies were pretty cute, and smaller than Jack and Christian, but my kids were definitely cuter. Let's get this started, I thought. Then I heard the 2nd AD say, OK, you guys can pack it up.
I haven't exchanged a single word with anyone yet, I thought. Must be some mistake. The other moms and I stood around and chatted for awhile and waited some more, they all told me they thought I was so brave to come alone... I was really wishing I had brought someone else with me so I'd be a little more together.
Then another lady told us, very loudly, we were done and it was time to pack it up and they'd give us a call with their decision. But they didn't hold my babies, I told her. They saw everyone and made a decision. We'll give you a call, she said.
WHAT?!? That was IT?? I hadn't even talked to anyone. Had anyone actually gotten a good look at my kids? So that glance back by my car? THAT was 'the interview.' And as I realized that the 2nd AD hadn't directed her question about showing up the next day to me...
In my mind, I know that this process is like going to the hardware store and looking for a particular size of screw- and Jack and Christian were not the 'size' or whatever you want to call it, that they needed for this show. The screws that don't get picked don't get mad or feel screwed, ;), they realize they weren't the right size, fill out their forms, and go home to set the table and check their email. In my mind I know this, but to my surprise, a huge sob was demanding to be released from my throat.
I never did get a call, and as the irksome silence sent me into a tailspin, I realized I had done a TERRIBLE job of making the whole thing no big deal. I can't believe I was thinking about trimming Jack's hair!! And I felt like the world's biggest dork for buying brand new outfits and making up question answers in my head. Oh dear, oh dear, my propensity to go the extra mile is good for some things, but definitely not for this.
As I started to drive myself crazy by replaying 'the glance' in my mind (if only I had someone else with me to hold the babies so they weren't in their stroller practically on the road, or if I hadn't been by my dirty car which I should have washed!) I realized how much I love being the one that gets picked and have exciting things happen to me. Don't we all. And I realized that there probably wasn't anything differently I could have done. I tried my hardest, I did my best, (to a fault?) and sometimes, or maybe most of the time, you just don't get picked. Living in Los Angeles means we're close to having exciting things happen, but in some ways we're just as far away as someone living in Nebraska. So. Ian and I both decided it would be best for our family if we didn't go out on anymore 'interviews'. It's just not a good fit for me.
As we joked around with the boys, and I put the babies down for the night and chatted with Ian, I savored our time together. While it wasn't my first choice, I'm glad that I don't have to worry about running my kids around, leaving Caleb and Julian at home, and being immersed in the child actor milieu on a bustling, crazy set on a show about divorced women getting it on. As the day revealed, even as I tried to be sensible, I shot all the way over to one extreme on the balance beam with such speed that I frightened myself. And for what? I thought, I'm really happy here, in my living room, with my kids and my husband. And this is where the universe wants me right now.
So yeah, some baby boys around 11months old are going to be on Cougar Town, but not mine. And the first chance I got, I returned the outfits. Figured I may as well save the money for the kids' college fund ;)

Our Week is a Complete Blur

I get asked a lot when my kids started walking, talking, getting their teeth in, etc. and I have no idea at all, which is incredibly embarrassing. I'm their mom and I have no recollection of them ever crawling or learning to walk! I was doing my Project 365 pages today and staring at a photo of us at Pioneer Day, thinking about how it was an awfully, awfully long time ago, a month or two at least, until I realized it was LAST SATURDAY!!
I know that we've got a lot going on and it's not important to be able to say exactly when my kids did this or that, but I do want to remember these precious moments that are fleeing faster than I can say 'it's going to be over before you know it!' (I get told that so very often it feels like my mantra! But it's frighteningly true!) When my kids start asking me to tell them stories of what they were like when they were a baby, I want to have a good selection of little slices of life to share, not a complete blank.
Scrapbooking projects have been my salvation for remembering/recording information now. I've gone a little overboard, bringing my camera everywhere and taking photos every time we go to the park, but I like that I have photos of my kids pulling themselves up, just goofing with their dad who they absolutely adore, laughing together when they run around in the kitchen and being with cousins, grandparents, etc. (of course, it would be awesome if someone took photos of me too, but that's another story...)
Making an album for my mom for her birthday was one of my funnest and surprisingly simplest projects ever since I had so many photos to work with. I loved playing with all sorts of snapshots of her and the boys, my siblings with the boys and just the boys on their own. It's fun to see how much life and laughter she brings out in them, and how very much they enjoy her. I used my Bind-it-all to slap the thing together, and the Sunshine line from Cosmo Cricket and that was just about everything.


I remember feeling so intimidated when I first started photo-scrapping almost a year ago, like I had no idea what I was doing or where to even start. I NEVER would have thought I could put an album together, or known how simple it was. I'm so glad I persisted. In the future when my memory of today is a blur, I'll just pull out one of the albums I'm working on now and tell my dear boys (with the helpful journaling tags, of course) just how amazing they were when they were little, and how that little piece of amazing will always be with them, growing just like they are.

Living in the Wow

When we went on our very first big family outing as a family of six, I was really anxious about making sure we were prepared for anything- nursing cape? check. Peek-a-boobie nursing shirt? check. Wipes, hats, snacks, sunscreen, enough burp cloths to make a quilt, and outfit changes for everyone. Somehow four size 2 diapers weren't enough but because I brought size 5s for the big boys we were covered (literally), but one surprise I never even conceived of preparing for was all the attention that we would get. From the minute we stepped out of our car and cracked open the Hummer Quad stroller I was taken aback by all the eyes on us. I don't want to make it sound like the music stopped playing and little kids dropped their cotton candy as we strolled by, BUT it did seem like everywhere we went that day at the pumpkin patch the crowd parted and I could hear 'TWO SETS OF TWINS' floating around us in whispers. The attention was new experience and felt very strange to me. It's the kind of rubbernecker attention that occurs when something is so freakishly fascinating you can't drag your eyes away. Yep, I guess that's how people saw us, freakishly fascinating.

And so it began... Most of the time when we go out as a six pack people will notice one of our kids, and then they'll notice another one, but wait, there's more... and then their eyes start darting furtively and the calculations wheels whir, they approach and are about to speak, but then they're unsure so they look again (because what are the odds?), but yes those kids ARE the same age, and then quite as if they can't help themselves: "Do you have TWO SETS OF TWINS?" and I say "Yeah, we do" and then they almost always simply say: "WOW."

And then there's a beat, this absorbing silence descends while the questioner skips a blink as they swallow the shock of it. Often they look at me with alarm, like they're wondering if I might need them to run to the nearest fire extinguisher and break open the glass because it feels like some sort of emergency. Even parents who have twins are floored, them especially because they have a better idea of what that's like. Often these parents grab their faces, groan, and look a little whoozy. So after the little pause I feel like I have to respond in some way, since it's not like they just asked me what time it is and now they know and can be on their merry way. "Excuse me, do you know why these children all seem about the same age? Oh, two sets of twins? Oh, OK, thanks!" No. They're quietly freaking out for me and they can't leave and I have to do something with them.

Sometimes I can anticipate the silence so I just kind of keep walking, "yep, two sets of twins, yep, bye!" as their mouths gape after me, willing me to stop but also willing me to hurry away with my brood at the same time. One time a lady driving by in a Lexus who saw us out for a walk screeched on her brakes and hurriedly lowered her window "DO YOU HAVE TWO SETS OF TWINS?!?!?" she shouted. "Yes, we do" said Ian, who's always more friendly than I am with the TSOTers (that's what I've nicknamed those people, or the event, getting TSOT'ed is what I call it, as in "I got TSOT'ed three times at Ralph's today" or "a TSOTer told me to be sure to brush and floss the kids' teeth"). We tried to keep walking away from this especially flabbergasted TSOTer, but she kept staring at us until three cars were piled behind her and they started honking but still she stared and stared until we sort of crouched behind a bush, which was pretty hard with our Hummer Quad.

Besides high-tailing the heck out of there, sometimes, especially at first, after the silence I'd duck my head and get a bit apologetic- "yeah, it's reeeeeeally CRAZY, we SURVIVE... SOMEhow" I'm not exactly sure why I feel apologizey- because I'm contributing to population increase? or I'm actually out and about having a decentish time instead of shuttering everyone at home, pulling my hair out and running around like a nervous wreck* (*this does happen too)? or because I'm interrupting their day with my circus? or because I wound up getting knocked up twice with twins? Since lightening never strikes twice it seems like I could have done something to prevent it. It's hard to explain that it wasn't our fault we had to resort to expensive and emotionally taxing fertility treatments that are completely unreliable for getting the desired singleton pregnancy. The iota of control we had there was less than zero. I swear.

Also, is it really that big a deal? Everybody knows Jon+Kate and Octomom, and sometimes I feel like I'm tripping over twins that are out and about. But I must admit, the odds of TWO sets of twins/multiples is still rare. My West LA Parents of Multiples group has 500+ members in it, practically all the twins in West LA are in that group and not another 2x2 (except I guess one other lady that no one's met). So I know it's definitely not something you see very often, but it's my everyday reality so I feel justified in getting a bit huffy with the TSOTers. One time when we were at Disneyland on one of the five days of the year it poured rain and we all had to pay the price of a kidney for ponchos, we were waiting in line and about five people TSOTed me. I was in a really bad mood so I completely ignored them, even though some asked really nicely. A persistent lady kept at it until I just stared at her, very hard, and then deliberately looked away. It was hands down the dirtiest look I've ever given anyone in my life, but it got me some peace and quiet.

Disneyland's a ghostown and still we get TSOTed

When I have one or two kids with me I get more chill passing comments like "Twins! You've got your hands full!" or "I bet you're busy!" Those people live in an ignorance I have no desire to correct them of. In fact, sometimes I try to hide one of the babies under a blanket or behind my back when I see some of the darting eyes right before the calculation wheels whir so we won't get TSOTed. My heart just sinks when I see the eyes pop because I know I'm too late. I never, EVER willingly tell them I'm a 2x2. I find myself telling little white lies like, 'oh yes, these two keep me running around!" I try to dodge TSOTing because I don't like getting into the post questions: "do you have help?" "do twins run in your family?" "are they all boys? You going to try for a girl?" "how far apart are the younger and older ones?" "how do you possibly manage?" Sometimes I feel like I need to reassure them, especially the ones that have already started looking around for the fire extinguisher. It's actually not that bad... No, we're not living in the loony bin... Yes my husband is a rockstar because he helps me a lot, no our twins don't speak a secret language, yes they do look alike, no we don't have a reality show...

Since our first outing last year it hasn't let up. I think it may peter down after we lose the stroller, but there's a chance we may get it the rest of our lives. I am starting to accept the fact that I will hear 'oh you're the lady with the two sets of twins,' after I meet someone for the first time. And overall, I think I'm finally getting used to it. I don't like the fact that TSOTing brings out my irritable side, but it's an opportunity to tame it. While part of me wants to say "go awaay!" or to the people who say "I could never do that!" I'd say "yes, it's very difficult but we all have challenges and if the universe puts us in a position where we have to do something we usually find a way to do it". I knew I'd turned a corner when I simply responded like this yesterday:

"Yes, they are. We are very, very lucky."

At least no one started looking around for the fire alarm. ;)

Endless partying during Birthday Week!

The best place to celebrate Caleb and Julian's birthday is up in Canada because July 1st is also Canada Day! Although the fireworks didn't hit until well after 11pm when it FINAlly gets dark up there, the festive spirit was running high all week. The boys got to blow out candles with cousin Boyd, whose birthday is just a couple days before theirs, and then their 'c-auntie' Jaima threw a pirate party for them. She had a really neat pirate water works boat with guns that shot water at people, swords, hats and shields and a 'buried treasure' cake. The cake was so good- Jaima made a layered pudding, whipping cream, and chocolate cake (so it looked like dirt). Perfect boy-party cake and I might have to make it if we ever do a dinosaur party.


I took sooo many photos while we were up there, I'm sure I bugged the heck out of everyone with my paparazzi-like compulsion. It's funny because people say they take less photos with each successive child, but I don't have a ton of photos of Caleb and Julian during their first couple years of life. I was distracted over my anxiety that they would ACTUALLY hit each stage of development that I was always trying to get them to hurry along to the next stage so I could feel a sense of relief when they got there. I was constantly obsessing over the best ways to help their development and the best food to give them (I would even make my own soup stock for the stews I made for them thinking it would help them in some small way. If you've ever made your own soup stock just for one baby food recipe you'll understand how crazy that is!!). Basically, I was a bit of a nut and didn't really enjoy their growth the way I've been able to with Jack and Christian.

I'm so much more relaxed yet much more aware of how time is passing. Now instead of worry whether they're going to continue to develop, I wish they would slow down! Every week the tide brings in so many changes and new areas of development, every month rings out little things that they're doing that they will never do again because they're growing and growing. My friend Krista (see Bimpire blog) said it well... "i guess it's a fight that nobody can win: the unbearable sweetness of tiny versus the breathtaking wonder of growth."


So my only solution is to capture it all like crazy. So I click my camera and journal and scrapbook and I know someday I'll be very glad that I did...